I think I'm going to name him Johannis. :)

I just recieved a package from my host familie. It's like a little care package full of German cookies and candy and a sweet letter with a little bear. I think I'm going to name him Johannis. He's so cute. I'm so blessed by my host familie.

Yesterday was Mom Doris's birthday and I called to wish her ein Froh Geburtstag and she said all is wonderful because Christan, their son was there, but ,,Michelle ist nicht da!" Which means Michelle isn't here though. It touched my heart after the day I had yesterday.

The day wasn't bad. I just got sick. I'm going to be very transparent here when I say that I really feel like I was sick based on a spiritual attack from the enemy, and I would really appericate if you guys would join me in praying against sickness simply because it kept me out of classes and assemblies yesterday, and I am perfectly fine today. Which is not only an answered prayer, but a praise to the Lord.

I did get the much needed alone time in spite of being sick yesterday. The teamers decided I should stay in the room and rest until morning which was basically the whole afternoon. I started reading CAPTIVATED by John and Stasi... something or other. It gave me a peace, and I just got to ,,be still and know that He IS STILL God."

Tonight we are going out with all the Germans and I'm so excited...Charley's Disko! Man yeah!! So get this, we have an apartment and there are eight girls per apartment, but two girls per room. In my apartment we have the same size feet for each room. Hahahahahaha. Like the first room is Joy and Josie who wear 7 1/2. Then me and Melina 6 1/2. Then Maddy and Robynn 8 1/2. And Shanna and Caty 9. Hahaha.

Lieb dich.

Frau Engelke!

Bahaha. I'm even Engelke over here. It's pretty funny.

Um... I ate fisch today. I didn't sleep well last night, but other than that I'm good.
We're watching a film later, but class is about to start again. I'm really not sure what all to tell today.

Nothing besides the fisch has happened...well and class.
I am proud to announce that my German is getting better daily and that I had one of those deep friend talks with one of my apartmentmates. I really cherish her.

Thank you for all the prayers.
And I claim Psalm 85:11 for Germany even if Christian says it's all atheism. :)

Wohnung 7....Wir sind die STUFF! :)

Hu(flim)-man. Haha. David. :)

Alright guys. I'm finally here to blog everything out for you. Ah. So what to tell? I know I know....EVERYTHING.

I'll start with telling you that I've been placed in Klasse 3 which is intermediate German language skills only surpassed by the advanced. And this is exciting and encouraging to me. My teach is MAIK, and he is the freaking coolest German along with Kath. (She's my teamer..or small group leader and the equilivant of my house mother for all your college kids.)

Ah. Wohnung sieben girls are becoming very close, and enjoying time together. We're all eating wayyyyyyy too much chocolate though. Hmmm. When I look outside the window I see a wine vineyard, and tons of rolling hills. It's rained only once here so far...which is amazing.

I'm pumped about German food, and if you decide to visit this wonderful country don't forget your German table manners. ALWAYS USE A KNIFE TO SPREAD THINGS ON BREAD. And bring a tooth brush. It will be needed.

As far as the language goes, I'm understanding what is said to me. And I'm getting my toes wet with speaking it. The people here say I'm really funny....and I bought a new watch that is pink and says Princess on it. I'm getting ragged so hard that everything I own is pink. I guess I'm really girlie now. BAH! :)

Hmmm.. Ich muss zu Assembly gehen.
Ah. Look up Coperia...the coolest freaking stuff in the world. It's Brazilian martial arts that will make you sore for days! I love it!

I'll post pictures super soon. Liebe alle. :)

Goodnight, America. Good morning, Germany!

I'm here in the most beauitful place that I've seriously ever seen. I wish I had the thought and the concentration to write a really long blog about all that is going on, but the truth is I'm just ready to ditch this English and move on to German.

I've been traveling these past few days, and I'm honored that I've met every person that I have. I met the coolest girl on my way to Atlanta, Minnie. She was headed out to see her dad in New York. And Mr. Ron from my seven hour flight to Germany. We became pals. I kind of imgined it like it was my daddy sitting with me. He's an American who has been living in Germany for the past 15 or so years. Awesome.

What else? I've been singing addict like constantly. I'm dubbed the girl with the hiccups, and my roomie is Puerto Rican and beautiful. Everyone here is ready to drink and that scares me. I'm not.

More.... most of these people have been trying to get this scholarship for YEARS. I found out and made it in two weeks. Of course, God is blowing my mind. My thoughts are constantly being challenged and I'm having to be concious of everything I'm letting come out of my mouth.

I am taking pictures, but they'll be up in about a month...no wifi here at the Schloss. Class starts tomorrow, and I'm telling you...go get some German food. It's the stuff.
I'm going to either explore or organize my room.

You getting nervous?

You know, I think I'm alright. I'll get nervous when I have to walk down to the gate tomorrow. Robbie looks up and smerks, and says, "Yeah if the sight of the airport doesn't do it first."

Today has been such a great day. I could've most certainly lived without all the vomiting, but I'm okay. I think it was partly nerves and reality and some of the meds I've been taking mixed all together to make me sick. Ha. But I do have good news in that I'm not feeling at all bad right now.

I've just got done putting the final touches on packing. All that's left are things that I'll need in the morning. You know like my contacts, solution, toothbrush, and straightener. Ha. I'm completely at peace. Don't get me wrong, I'm sad to be leaving, but excited to go all at once.

My last night in the country was probably the best it could ever have been, and even if it could've been better I'll keep it just how it was. No regrets in this. None at all. I got to hug and cry with all the people I love tonight at church, and I was so dearly encouraged by my student ministry and my family being able to pray and worship with me. It was so neat to step out and see them worship...my family too.

I got to surprise my brother with dinner tonight, and I promise you the content look on his face at the end of the night was worth every minute of eating Mexican. We went to El Chico which is Chad's favorite place in the world to eat, and he had no clue. My best friend Robbie came with us, and dad blessed him too with a meal that he didn't have to pay for. I think it shocked Robbie, but that's okay.

We went back and he helped me get somethings taken care of with my computer, and he fixed my beloved pink Ipod. I'm forever greatful to each and everyone of you who were and are still apart of this adventure. To the people that I've not met yet, I'm excited to see you. To my family in Germany, I can't wait to finally be in your home. To my family here, I'll miss you with everything in me. To my friends, I'll miss you and miss you and miss you. To the ones that will befriend me, I'm excited for what's to come.

I'll be seeing you, and remember you're never alone. :)

My heart is touched.

I got my day started with going to get my hair cut, and Dennis absolutely blessed my heart today. He's such a sweetheart. I like his new salon, and I think he's going to be great there, and I think he's really going to flourish there. I'm super proud of him. I went to pay him, and he gave me a hug and told me to have a great trip, and when I walked out to my car my heart was overjoyed and blessed with him giving me a free hair cut.

It's similar to when my step-mom came to me and handed me her pride and joy: Pink Camera. It's a NICE camera that she bought with HER money. She worked for it, and then just asked if we could switch cameras. My heart was touched. Janet said, "Oh, you'll use it more, and I can just use the other one." God has blessed me with that, and just for the record she's done that before, but on a much larger scale. She gave me HER car for MY truck, and I got the better end of the deal. Yes, they are the same age, but it's a nicer car than it is a truck. My God has blessed me. I can't express in mere words what she means to me.

It's was cool tonight because Mom came over to eat with Janet, Josh, Tawny, and I and she wasn't quite hungry so she finished dinner and helped me with my laundry while we all ate. And then she came over with the okra in the bowl and said, "Well, I got it to brown." She sat down beside my Janet, and we all ate as A FAMILY. Then Chad and Dad walked in the house and they talked worked blah blah blah. Ha.

I've been keeping busy because of my steroid shot; I'm so sore and tired put very alert at the same time. I wouldn't wish all this medicine on my enemy ever. No lie.

A friend that I've been praying for texted me today, and it said, "I'm so scared."
I replied with: "of?"
Him: "I think I believe."
I cried just a real honest cry, but tears of joy. We're eating in the morning to have a Bible study, and to just spend time together before I go.

I want to see the other one too. I miss him so much. I'll stop by his house tomorrow if it kills me.. I'M SEEING HIM BEFORE I LEAVE.

Jeff and I had a good talk today, and I'm humbled by how much I've changed through the years. I'm thankful that I'm not the eighth grader I once was, and that God matures us through the years.

Today has been good. Night. :)

Just go to that steroanglekraklfasdfher and get one when you get to Dutchland.

My dad's German is so so funny. I love it. That's what my family might say about me one day when I finally meet them. Haha. :)

Today was our family lunch, and it was basically the best thing in the entire world. Better than any other time we've had here recently. I loved it. I tend to "love" lots of things, but really these people are who I click with. They are my blood and I'm there's. Nothing changes the fact that we're related. Ha. And praise God that that'll never change.

Church was amazing today also. We really did meet in the presence of the Lord, and for that I'm so honored. He was there, and it was real. Beautiful. My words can't express how grateful and thankful for today I really am.

Mom and I did the cupid shuffle in the backyard, and Cristan and I had a serious talk. Ian and I hung out like little children do, and just played in the pool. These are the people I love, and this is my life. They are the reason I do what I do, and I want to give them someone to look up to. Someone for them to see Jesus. I hope that my babies will see Jesus, and that Nathan learns the word please. Ugh. Stubborn child.

I'm out. :)

Best last Friday in town for awhile. :)

Swimming pools and longggggggg movies...with people the people I love. The people who've been there through all the years before I was ever one in a million, but are the ones who told me I was even if NO ONE else saw. True blessings in the midst of uncertainty.

I was listening to a beautiful song that a WONDERFUL friend made for me, and this kind of special person in my life. It's cd title is "GERMANY." Fitting, huh? But the song was "Vulnerable" by Secondhand Serenade. There's this line that I've been chewing on, and it says...
"Tell me. What makes you think that you're so invincible?" It's perfect for the here and now, or at least some people would say so.

Invincible: Incapable of being overcome; unconquerable.

I think that yes love is a scarey thing, but in the midst of thinking this I think that becoming less invincible is all part of becoming real with another person. I'm terrified that you're wrong, and I'm right...or that you're right, and I'm done for. Haha. Either way, I guess what I'm saying is I think I'm invincible because every other time it's been people that were never friends first. And because I'm Michelle Engelke of course. That's a great reason.

I realized that Lauren is correct again. She made the statement to me or all of us or something that we as women think there is this certain timeline that we're suppose to live, and that if our lives don't go in that timeline it's not glorifying to our God. Not true. I'm learning that, and continuously being put in my place. I'm the "ap" kid. I'm technically holding myself back. I'll leave it there.

Before I even forget, I want to praise my God for the fact that I've got people here in America that support me. I've got people in Germany that support me, and I've got the God of HEAVEN that supports me. He's never going to leave me, or forsake me. I'm honored. My God is showing and challenging me with my best friend. THAT'S CRAZYYYYYYYYYY!

I can't skype all the time!
I just want to skype with you like once, Michelle!
...like your birthday?
:)

1. Kick a rock, Ja!
2. Lieb dich, Mein Swartz. :)
3. I love you unicorns and bunnies, Taybabe!! :D
4. I love you oodles and boodles. :)

I'm scared to really say it, and it not be for real.

"It's like you wake up everyday, and you realize...'wow, we're one day closer to saying good-bye.'"

I remember when I first found out I was leaving, and I told my daddy. I looked into his face for the first time in a long time, and saw him crushed. It was like I indirectly broke his heart. I'm really going to miss the ONE man who has never walked away from me. He's taught me everything I know. I love him, and he's taught me love. It hurts coming into the house or waking up in the mornings because it's like the closer we get to Thursday the more that look on his face gets harder to see. I really am going to miss him. I think you all NEED to know that I'm terrified, and that I'm scared out of my mind, and that I'M GOING TO MISS MY DADDY.

My name is Michelle Engelke, and I'm seventeen years old. I love Jesus, and I'm scared out of my mind. I've get peace. This is right.

I know that I'm spoiled, and I have more that I will ever need. I know that. I don't know what else I really have to say. I'm in love with Lauren's cd's. They are beautiful. Track number seven made me cry, but in a good way. And I love the way you title them. Haha. You're adorable.

God's provided me with friends that I'm so pumped about coming back to. Like Tay and Jess, and then of course I'll get to see my George again. It's neat. I love how God is so much bigger than we could ever imgine. You know like I've dreamed a while now that I'd be able to leave the country, and it's like God put that in me...and He's giving me the strength to get myself up and go do it.

And have you ever thought that sometimes the people in your life are there to make you who you are? Like without certain people you wouldn't be who you are? Like for instance, Billy Graham. He wouldn't be who He is today if someone didn't invest time into him, right?

By the way, to the people who've taught me and invested in me, I've not forgotten you at all. I'm honored that you've taken time to spend with me. I hope that even it doesn't seem like I remember who you are, you'll remember that I really listen to every word you say. If you don't believe me, ask HIM. He knows I listen, even if I'm pretending like I'm not.

God is such a beautiful thing. He's big all around me. I hope his bigness doesn't become small. I think it might be. It was the biggest blessing I've had in a while going to the dentist...that is. My cavity was wayyyyyyy worse than they thought, and they had to drill alot. But then they still got it all out, and they didn't have any complications at all. They could've had to do a root canal once I got to Germany, and God spared me that. God please don't let who you are to become little to me. Stay huge. Please. I can't go on without YOU by my side.

"Just as God wait patiently for us to be ready, I have been waiting on you. It had to be your time or it wouldn't have meant what does. I miss you, love you too. And I'm so proud of you." -Mom.

All I have to say to that is Ezkeiel 36:36. God doesn't leave relationships broken, and relationships aren't easy. Life is about waiting. Have you thought about that. You're waiting as a child to be a teen-ager, and then as a teen-ager to be in college. Then it's like you just want to be in love, or once you're in love you want to be married, or then you wait to have kids. It feels like that's just what we do. We wait until we get there, and the we wait again.

Timing is right, and God's timing is so much better than just timing. He's timing is perfect.

Love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for.

I'm so scared, but I've got so much peace. A good friend prayed over me to be encouraged by the people around me. Such a beautiful prayer. I've been encouraged over and over again. It's all God.

I've got so much more to say, but I've got to just sit. I might cry, but it's just because I'm a girl, and that's what we do. I'm really going to miss everyone here. Source stories when they get here, mkay? I love you all. :)

I really want either a purple or yellow dress next year.

Wear a white tux? All white, and then match with me? That'd be cool. I just hope it really does work out. I want to make it work, and I want you there. You know what I'm talking about. Keep your end of the deal, mkay?



I leave in a week from tomorrow, and I'm okay...sad, but okay. I have people that I absolutely love, and I'm going to miss more than I really thought would be possible. God has provided me with people that are going to be here when I get back.

"Don't be afraid, for I have ransomed you; I have summoned you by name; You are mine. When you go through the waters, I will be with you. And when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you. When you pass through the fire you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the HOLY ONE of ISREAL, YOUR SAVIOR!"
-Isaiah 43:1&2

God is continuously showing me that trust is so important in relationships, and relationships take lots of time and dedication to make them work. I'm glad to have realized that, and I wish that my husband and I are as cute as my Dad and Step-mom. They exude how much they love eachother. Sometimes it's yucky, but at the same time it's really cool to see my dad love and be loved like God designed love to be. He deserves it. I trust his judgement in every person I date, and I hope he knows that.

I'm not sure where life is going to go from here...I suppose that next July I'll say the exact same thing, but it's like a whole nother experience. I'm glad to be leaving, but I know that I'll be glad to be coming home too. And I have to thank Anna Katherine for the thought she gave me tonight. She told me that I'll have to rest of my life to live in America, and that I'll just have to wait eleven months to live here again. I liked that thought. It really encouraged me in that as everyone else's lives go on, they'll be here when I get back.

"Look at her gentlemen of the jury, look at her well. Take this away from her, and she has no reason to go on living. We may see him as not much, but he's her reason for existence. Think on that, gentlemen, think on it." -A Lesson Before Dying.

1. I hate that it took us up until a week before I leave to really talk again, but it's encouraging because it's like God used you to show me that I'll have everyone when I get back. It was a really awesome ephiany. :)

2. You are so wonderful, and I'm so greatful for God's timing. God has known that we'd all need this summer, and I'm proud that we've done such a good job at being there for each other. I'm proud of how far you've come in who you are as a young GODLY woman. I love listening to you talk, and I like our fun times. You are beautiful. I love you.

3. I'm blessed that you challenge me in my faith even though sometimes I rag on you about it. Well basically all the time, and I'd apologize for that, but I don't mean it. I mean don't get me wrong I'm sorry that I can just look at you, and then you look up and say, "Don't say a word." You've been completely vulnerable, and shown me that even in the midst of being in pain that you have to pick yourself up, and decide when you're going to dust yourself off. I know that you're legit with all that you've told me this summer, and I refuse to take any of it back. This has been the summer I think we've all been waiting for. Don't ever forget that I love you with all that I am, and that my God...OUR God loves you more than I ever will be able to. Rest in that.

4. I really like your friendship, and I didn't really think that you'd be all that everyone told me you were, but really you're a great friend. You stand for what you believe, and you live a life that glorifies the God we serve. So cool.


I don't wanna be just friends. That's something I can't understand. I don't wanna be just friends. Not now. No, Not ever. Those two words are bullets in my chest...Just friends. Those two words are bullets in my chest And it's never gonna be the same again, My Love. It's never gonna be the same again.

I've not really thought about you in a while,

but it's like tonight I really just need some closure. I feel like I know I can live without you, but without you I'll be misrable at best. Cliche' I know, but I really do miss you. I'm not sure why though. I just really want to be able to hug you, and tell you good-bye. That's never going to happen though. I know that.

Tonight was a good night. I went to the Merkosky's for dinner, and I just got to hang out with them, and sing, and talk. It was beautiful. I'm seriously going to miss them. One day, I hope that I'll be able to say that they are family friends that go way way back. I love them, and the hearts they have for the Lord.

I don't know why I miss you so much right now, but I do. I really don't want anything other than to talk to you, and you probably don't feel the same way. I understand that. I just wish that you respected the need to talk to you the way I do when you just out of no where call me. It's not like I want you back; it's just that this is the first time in five years that I know you will be no where in my life. I guess it's where our lives go on.

I thought that first loves were the kind of things that you really get over, but some of me thinks there will be days that I'll miss you even after I'm grown up, and married. That could just be the medicine kicking in saying that. I don't really know. I miss you, and I wish you all the best as you go through your senior year. Make it count, and find where God wants you. Find your girl. I know she'll be beautiful. I love you forever, after all you were the first one I loved.

I'm scared I'm going to lose you as a friend. I don't think we're going to be anything more than that ever. I hope you're ready to let go of a long lasting friendship.

And to you, I don't have a clue what to say. I'm scared. I guess I'll leave it there.

God is encouraging me as I go throughout this last week and a half here in the states. I'm completely at peace minus wanting to tell you good-bye. You're the only one person I've not told. But I knew I wouldn't get to. I'll be okay.

This year is going to be one that will absolutely life changing, and I'm excited to see what God does in it. I'm pumped, and nervous, and at peace that God knows what He's doing. That He's going to be going with me, and that in the midst of aching and pain and homesickness He'll be there.

And you caught me off guard now I'm running and screaming....!

It just hit me all at once

...but I'm scared it's just another summer thing. I really don't know what to do with what this is. This next year will tell me everything I can possibly ever need to know.

I'll decide then, and until then I'm living me life to glorify the God of all creation. I refuse to give up on this, on you. You are something I've invest so much of my own life into, and I think that something I said to you once has just been proved. The more time you spend with someone the more you really do being to want more with them than what they have. I'm glad I'm leaving you this time though, that way I don't have to watch your car leave me again. It's not fun. I'm selfish I'd rather be the busy one, and let you have a few more weeks.

I hate that you're not selfish, and you'll hold back just to prove a point. I hate it, but that's why I think I'm still so mezmorized by you. Maybe it's just because you chased me. I'm scared because I'm beginning to see everything you've been saying. I guess I'm just stubbon, and I just didn't want to trust another pig-head dusche.

You never cross lines. Not really, and if you do, you make sure not to do it again. It's cool. You hold my arms down, and treat me like a five year old telling them constantly to stop itching, and I'm volunerable to you. I don't know if that's a good thing. I think someone is going to get there heart broken, and I'm selfishly thinking it's me. I'm concerned about your heart too, but no that I'm beginning to like you..... I think we're in for it.

I leave next Thursday.

One shot, one perscription, two over the counter drugs, and no scratching should help, right?

My latest posion ivy outbreak has been awful, but a trip to the doctor today seems to have helped it some. I also had to go to the dentist where it seems I have one awful cavity that they can maybe fix. Pah. I should've known my world would go crazy right before I left. It's alright though. God's got my world, and He knows what best.

I have a family that I am very close to that I will be saying good-bye to soon, and they mean the world to me. They are the biggest blessing I think I could possibly have. The daddy of the family called me as they had been praying and felt that I should know what I was about to be hit with. Lies lies lies from the enemy. I'm humbled and honored that God has put my on other peoples hearts. It's truely a blessing, and this is turning into more of a trip than I ever expected.

I know God has huge purpose from this trip, and I know that it won't always be just a fun time. I will struggle, and I will have days that I just want to go home. I know that. God has blessed me with a family that I truely believe will be there for and for my husband and children. I don't take lightly what God has given to me.

Please pray for my family as I come to live with them, but also as they say good-bye to their oldest daugther, Christine. Pray for the language as learn, for determination in the midst of frustration, for peace in the midst of homesickness, for self control in the midst of being offered things I don't need or in the midst of situations that I might find myself in.

The LORD your God is with you, He is Mighty to Save. He takes great delight in you; comforts you with LOVE; rejoices over you with singing.
-Zephaniah 3:17

She's Georgia honeysuckle sweet.

She smiles at strangers on the street. She's got a smile like Cali-fornia. She's got a spirit like New Orleeeeens, She's got eyes like New York city, She's cool as a Carolina breeze, but underneath..... SHE'S GOT A HEART LIKE MEMPHIS.

This weekend has been something like memories that you read from a diary. From my going away party, to Nick's place, to Redbirds, to after church hang outs it's been the best. This summer has been like no other, and hopefully next summer will top it. But who knows. I guess the cool part of it all is it's like I'm leaving with all the college kids because like two weeks after I leave they do. Looks like I'm just a step ahead.

I've learned so much this summer from learning to always stay up and not waste time sleeping to you're suppose to miss turtles on the road to how awful posion ivy is. I'm glad I did have to stay here and wait a bit before I shipped out to the Motherland. I can't believe it's right here, and steadily approaching.

I've made friendships that I know will last for a long time, and I love each and everyone of them. I'm so pumped about everything, and praise God that He's provided me with all that He has. From opportunites to forgiveness I should never stop praising who He is. He truely amazes me. I'm not gonig to miss Him though, I'm so going to just stick beside Him while I'm gone.

1. I won't forget you; You're my babe, and we've got "our song."
2. I'm pupmed about our friendship, and I know it'll last. Chin up, Beautiful, he's waiting for you.
3. Best wishes to you and the groom. :)
4. Don't forget, I'm a girlie girl now. We like wearing dresses, and getting flowers once we walk off the plane. Keep your end of the deal because I'm not giving up on you. I think this could be the best timing we've ever had, and I'm not taking anything about it back. You'll be my date forever....at least to one thing, and I'm pumped for next year. Write me letters, and I'll write you back. I love you.


Don't ever hold back anything, and never let you hold yourself back from reaching your dreams and making a difference.

austa facebook.

It's time to be completely honest. I'm done with playing around...not really. I'm still Michelle Engelke. But here's the thing. I'm sick of itching. :/

I had a blast tonight, and I wish I could talk a whole lot, but I'm just tired. Ha. I'm so so tired. And I love baseball games.... not that i watch em or anything. I itch. Night.

1. I'm glad that we have traditions, and insiders, and deep convos. I'm going to have to stalk up on dresses while I'm gone that way we'll be able to have lots of dress wearing occasions when I get back. And I think you're right, you so should've played spin the bottle in bed. :)

2. Here's what I think: I know that I like you, and that I'm hoping you're telling me the truth. I don't care anymore that if I wasn't leaving you wouldn't have said a thing. I'm terrified that you're just playing me, but now I've infested too much time to not find out who's right. I'll gladly give you five dollars if you are. Remember, I want flowers. I'm becoming a girlie girl, and we like flowers. And wearing dresses practically everywhere we go. Thank you for not letting me scratch in bed.

3. You frustrate me so much with your advice. I love you. I really do, but sometimes you make me feel worse than crap. I think it's scheße... maybe. Who knows. Please remember I didn't go after him. He chased me. I just wanted a best friend. I'm not mad, but tonight I felt like a slut. Say things in private when it's just us. Don't mention it unless we're the only two in bed.

4. I really like you as a friend. Seriously in bed.

Night foos. In bed. :)

5/29/09

...here comes good-bye.I can't get these words out of my head after today. I started with my fair wells. I didn't think I'd be sad leaving this town, but this is home. These are the adults who've poured out all they are into my life. They shared part of their lives with me, and taught me. Some of these teachers have watched me grow up: from the sixth grade until now. They've seen me go from tomboy to cheerleader, and watched me figure out who I am. And now, they see the confident girl I've become. And others have been there for me when I wouldn't let anyone else. And one teacher, she is the one who presented me with this opportunity. I can't lie. I left the great hall with a huge smile on my face. We were all laughing and cutting up with each other, and I was so excited to talk with them. When I got into my car, though, I was a little reluctant to drive away. These are the people who I love. The ones I didn't realize I'd miss. The ones who I have to thank for helping me see my potential, and to take myself seriously. I can overcome the circumstances that could possibly present themselves. And I can take away from this many lessons I'll never learn again.To my teachers:Thank you. I love you. I will miss you.

5/19/09

"I mean really why would anyone in their right mind lay out in their driveway listening to their ipod? It's so strange! And you could seriously get run over just laying there. " -Janet"Do you think people would look at us strange if WE laid out in the driveway?" -Dad."Haven't y'all ever heard of watching airplanes?" -Me.I can't begin to express my excitement in leaving. I'll be leaving on July 23, 2009 at 8:30 A.M. and arrive in Washington D.C. at 2 P.M. I hope that CIEE has a cute little sign that reads "Lauren Engelke." I wonder what my room mate will be like, or if I'll make a cool pal. Planes are in the air, and my mind is in the planes. I can't wait to see what will be outside of my window in seat 6A. I will miss y'all, but it's time for me to leave for a while

5/11/09

1. I try really hard when I around you just to continue to be the same girl I was. I don't understand how you can go from cutting up with me in the kitchen, and giving me so much advice, and showing me grace, and such to this stone cold wall. Your approval means so much, and I have no idea why.2. Things you say really do effect my thoughts. I take the little things out of context, and the big things over board. You drive me absolutely crazy, but you support me. And I love you. You have the sweetest heart.3. You are so confusing. I love you, but I don't get you. And honestly I don't believe that you wanted anything more than a "good" time. And I think it's funny that you were the one egging it on. 4. I've been thinking. And you should look for a better best friend. I've thought through all the times we're together, and really you're the bigger person. You're the one who listens. Not me. You're the one who let's me cry. I don't let you. I love you for what you've done for me, but I don't have a clue why you should love me.5. Some times I think I'm wasting my time trying to be your friend through it all. 6. You are such a genuine person. I love you for what you've brought to the table. You are such an encouragement. Things will work out.7. I love dancing with you. You've been such an amazing friend. Bless you child.8. You amaze me with your honesty. You are beautiful inside and out. I love you dearly. And I'm sorry for making you cry during circle time.9. I CAN dance, and I'm still shocked nothing more was tried. I think we could be really good friends.10. I heard that song three times today. And at first I wasn't thinking about the good-bye but now it's all that's on my mind. I'm terrified that nothing will be the same, and when I look you in the eyes and say see you later, we'll be done. I'm scared my mind has played so many tricks on me again. I'm scared I'll come back, decide to see you, and leave feeling the way I do when I see all the other ones.

vernugungen von Michelle.

Die alte Freunden besuchen
Ohne Schuhe
draussen zu Fuss gehen
Spontan Kuessen
Spontan Tanzen
Muesik, dein leiblings leid singen
Der Laecheln
Der Frosch
Seuden Fisch Essen.
Lesen
Schoenes Kleid
mitUnpassende Schuhe
Lachen
Warmer Regen
Laufen, Springen
Learnen
Leiben
Blumen reichen

4/11/09

Change is pretty inevitable. The only one consistant thing is change right? You look different with every decision. Whether you decide to wear a new shirt, or get your hair cut. You're changing. People change. Personalities change. Friendships change. But really the only thing that I hate that's changed when I look around, is me. I'm the friend out of all the others that really has changed. I just realized it tonight. I'm so mean. I'm bitter. And I take it out on the people I love, and the ones who I'm scared to love, and the ones who I'm scared might hurt me. I am the epitomy of the "b word", and I don't care. I hurt people's feeling, and I never watch what I say. I am quick to anger and fast to tune you out. I'm instaneously moved to yelling and screaming. And nothing in me wants to back down. "Win this fight," is all that I think.I reel people in just to hook 'em and sink 'em. I want people to hurt the way I've been hurting. I want the ones that did and caused the pain to feel it. I hate who I am. I hate this bitterness that I keep built up inside.I saw a "best friend" from the fifth grade a couple months ago, and the reason we aren't friends today came rushing back to my head. I see people, and my first thought if I don't like them is the exact instint of why I hate them.My heart wants to be near, but I'm so far from who God is. You can't love God, and hate your brothers and sisters in Christ or treat peolpe the way I do. And just for the record, I'm going to Germany. I haven't left yet. That's a whole nother story for a whole nother time. And to those of you who have been in the middle of all my anger, I send you a deep and sincere apology.

2/24/09

Dear Friend,
I found a picture of you today. It put a not in my stomach and a lump in my throat.
Sincerely,Michelle.

2/22/09

These are ten things I want to say to different people.:)1. I love you. I never want to hurt you, but I am scared that I will wind up doing just that.2. When you look at me, I have to look away to keep you from seeing. 3. Remember, you had your chance. 4. I have never trusted someone like I trust you.5. You are the first boy I fell in love with.6. I really wish you would learn when to say certain things. Like read the moment, and decide if it's the right time to say whatever it is that is about to come out of your mouth.7. I thought I missed you. I don't.8. The day you told me I was full of crap, I knew I wanted to be close to you.9. You are really adorable, and you don't need a boy. You introduce me to new things, and for that you are so thanked!10. I never loved you. I loved the thought of you


These are all lies. I don't think this anymore.

Feb 6. 2009

For Kels and David. =)1. I never match my outfits intentionally. I pick a pair of pants, then a shirt, then shoes, and grab my luggage I call a purse and run out the door.2. I often get asked if I'm in choir, and the answer is no. I am not. But I go to the choir room daily.3. The smell of gas is amazing.4. Clothes are amazing.5. Apparently, from everyone else's stand point, my favorite color is pink. Just about everything I'm given is pink, but if you ask me I will say it is green. I really don't know the truth the that statement though.6. I had a little sister named Chelsea.7. I slept in my dad's room until he got remarried when I started the sixth grade, and I don't see a thing wrong with it.8. The boys I like are always out of my league. haha.9. I love to make people think I'm smart.10. For some people that don't know, I play the flute.11. I love hanging out with random people that I've met maybe once.12. I don't sing in the shower, but I do sing every where else.13. I think very highly of myself, but you might actually know that.14. I don't have a clue what MY laugh sounds like.15. My mom and I do look a bit a like, but you'll never hear me say that.16. Sometimes I wish I could lie, but that doesn't happen.17. Dead people scare me. Even the fact that I'm typing about them wigs me out.18. I still doodle and write notes like a middle schooler.19. I hate dogs, though we own a ton. Hate them.20. You are probably the 100th best friend I've had. I find new ones daily. I adopt them as "best friend" and then they never talk to me again.21. I love homosexuals. They are so much fun.22. I still think one of my best friends is a four year old named Caroline.23. I'm addicted to coffee, but you guys know that.24. In the fourth grade I was addicted, I mean dependent as the doctor said, to advil; to this day I will not take advil, but I'll take four IB Prophen. Which is the same thing.25. You will never meet someone who is a better Mooch, than I am. But that is not why my nickname is mooch. That is actually a derived version of Moochie doo that somebody starting calling me after I wrote Moochelle a something... Odd.

February 2, 2009

Here:1. I'm apathetic to life right now.2. I'm addicted to procastination.3. I HATE tst messages.4. I cry at some point every week.5. My parents are divored.6. Love has a negative connatation in my mind.7. I don't eat like i should.8. I'm scared of being label fat.9. I love my skinny jeans.10. I will not change because someone tells me they don't like me.11. I don't believe in second chances.12. I wear little make up.13. My ipod and my car are my two best friends.14. The people I love that aren't my family I can count on my hand.15. I have head aches regularly.16. I run away from my problems.17. I don't smile often.18. I hold grudges.19. I usually don't match.20. I hide why I'm upset.21. I don't trust.22. I'm not very nice anymore.23. I'm an aunt to at least 16 kids.24. I really do think on of my best friends is only four years old.25. God doesn't make any sense to me

October 20, 2008.

I don't know what it is, well, alright I do. It seems that everything I do is wrong. Some of my friendships are failing and everyone of them that have failed are blaming me for it. It hurts, you know? But that's really not why my heart is heavy. It's a bit more complicated than that, really. It's so dumb. I'm so sick of drama. I despise it. I get all worked up over nothing, and it's so stupid. And me and my dramatic self makes it worse for everyone invloved because I can't just let things go, or on the complete opposite extreme, I get my feelings all hurt and torn into pieces.I know that everything will be alright. And that all these weird things that are going on in my life, they show that I should be rejoicing. But my selfish heart just wants it better than this. Instead of seeing the good in this situation, all I see is the junk. It's like spiritually I'm blind or something. Or just making wrong choices... I know what to do, I just have to do it.I feel like I am worshiping things that were never created to be worshiped. School has become overwhelming, and insanely difficult. Grr. It really frustrates me. I never see my family, but when I do I'm so tired that they annoy me so much... I should be so happy to see the, but I just stick to my greedy ways, and get all bent out of shape.I'm starting to realize the I'm nothing specail, and I kind of thought I was, for a very long time. I really have no desire to hurt people, but it seems all my choices do. They hurt people who aren't even involved. Gr.I know this is going on and on and it just seems like rambling, but it's rambling with a purpose. One that serves simply for me to figure out where I'm at. Besides the obvious, my room. It's to let me get everything out so I can really see where I'm at. I don't need comments on this. Really, I'd rather you not. I'm not depressed, so please don't think that or say it to me. I'm tired, and I'm definitely running under the E. (And for those of you that don't get that, I'm saying that my tank of gas ran out a long time ago. ANd I can't seem to find the gas station to fill myself back up.)God would be a great place to start with the refilling, but I feel like I'm just roaming around and I know exactly what I need to do, but I'm not doing it which is abosolutely ludicrious! People are calling me out all the time for the little things I do. ANd I say they do it all the time, that's not true, I really don't talk to many people anymore. Not really. I've become the loner of all loners. I'm a social person when it's needed, but I'd rather just not be with anyone. Not talking. Not doing anything.What a slacker I've truely become! Speaking of slacker, I've got a ton more homework to do and it's eleven. Dumbness! blehhhhh!I need to praise God though. I've got alright grades, a nice life, a beautiful savior, and the blessing of education. For real I've got more than I need. Praise the Lord.I'm going to go. Have a blast kids. =)

August 24, 2008

I should probably lay off of the coffe and caffinee. Bleh. That's not what this note is about.God is up to something. And I find it truely amazing that even when life feels chaotic, and the heat of the world is on your back, that God in His Mightiness, is right there. He's standing there, like in that video of "Everything" skit, he's not going to let the world bring me down. He loves me, and He is holdiing me. That truely amazes me.

Tuesday August 6, 2008.

I look around, and I'm surrounded by people, boys and girls alike. They are bying into the lies that surround them. And it breaks me down. Like people all around me are hurting deep on the inside. And like God has surrounded me by them, and I'm aching and grieving for them. I just want them to see that there's a better way. More out there, and that someone really does love them. I have fallen in love with these people, not in the mushy gushy way, but in an honest i long to be a real friend to you, and show you there's more. And I just sit here and think that they really want to be accepted. And all I want them to see is the love of Jesus Christ.