October 20, 2008.

I don't know what it is, well, alright I do. It seems that everything I do is wrong. Some of my friendships are failing and everyone of them that have failed are blaming me for it. It hurts, you know? But that's really not why my heart is heavy. It's a bit more complicated than that, really. It's so dumb. I'm so sick of drama. I despise it. I get all worked up over nothing, and it's so stupid. And me and my dramatic self makes it worse for everyone invloved because I can't just let things go, or on the complete opposite extreme, I get my feelings all hurt and torn into pieces.I know that everything will be alright. And that all these weird things that are going on in my life, they show that I should be rejoicing. But my selfish heart just wants it better than this. Instead of seeing the good in this situation, all I see is the junk. It's like spiritually I'm blind or something. Or just making wrong choices... I know what to do, I just have to do it.I feel like I am worshiping things that were never created to be worshiped. School has become overwhelming, and insanely difficult. Grr. It really frustrates me. I never see my family, but when I do I'm so tired that they annoy me so much... I should be so happy to see the, but I just stick to my greedy ways, and get all bent out of shape.I'm starting to realize the I'm nothing specail, and I kind of thought I was, for a very long time. I really have no desire to hurt people, but it seems all my choices do. They hurt people who aren't even involved. Gr.I know this is going on and on and it just seems like rambling, but it's rambling with a purpose. One that serves simply for me to figure out where I'm at. Besides the obvious, my room. It's to let me get everything out so I can really see where I'm at. I don't need comments on this. Really, I'd rather you not. I'm not depressed, so please don't think that or say it to me. I'm tired, and I'm definitely running under the E. (And for those of you that don't get that, I'm saying that my tank of gas ran out a long time ago. ANd I can't seem to find the gas station to fill myself back up.)God would be a great place to start with the refilling, but I feel like I'm just roaming around and I know exactly what I need to do, but I'm not doing it which is abosolutely ludicrious! People are calling me out all the time for the little things I do. ANd I say they do it all the time, that's not true, I really don't talk to many people anymore. Not really. I've become the loner of all loners. I'm a social person when it's needed, but I'd rather just not be with anyone. Not talking. Not doing anything.What a slacker I've truely become! Speaking of slacker, I've got a ton more homework to do and it's eleven. Dumbness! blehhhhh!I need to praise God though. I've got alright grades, a nice life, a beautiful savior, and the blessing of education. For real I've got more than I need. Praise the Lord.I'm going to go. Have a blast kids. =)