Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Six months later, a new life!

I was sitting here tonight looking through my planner last year so that I could find some addresses to send people Christmas cards. I can't believe how fast time flies, and how fast it seems people stop having time for you. I'm not one to blame. I have time for no one really, not even for myself. I catch myself wishing some of you people were around from Germany from time to time simply because I feel like you are my friends through it all. I know that I have people here, but I can't help but to be so synical.

I have no excuse for this synicalness at all. I have a wonderful family, an amazing boyfriend, and school is almost over. The friends I have here are all I have ever asked for and more. I don't know why I am so bahumbug these days. It's not even Christmas that makes me that way... it's Southaven, I think.

There will be another move shortly to come. I've decided on a little school to go to in Kentucky, which I feel will benefit me on my journey towards what I felt I was called to a long time ago. I'm still not where I thought I would be by now emotionally or spiritually. I'm almost depressed by the person that I am not.... this girl who once was there is, well, gone, and I've tried and tried to be her, but I can't seem to find her anymore. I think it's time to leave her be...to maybe even let her go, and to move forward in this life. Forward with the people whom I love, and who I know love me.

I miss this blog.
I enjoy getting this all out.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Bye.

Time to move back to journeling.

Love you guys. ;)

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

It's a fairly simple concept.

My heart hurts.
I want to move on.
But my heart hurts.

It's days like these when things were supposed to be,
but now aren't... That hurt the worst. A pain that is not
describable.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Broken is NOT beautiful.

I've been home (or will have been home in two hours) for four weeks today. I guess the theme of my life right now is really how fast time flies! It's like it just doesn't let up for two seconds. Constantly ticking away, and yet dragging on and on... taking my heart through the deepest pain I think I have ever known.

I never thought that when I left for Germany that I know a love for people of a new place, with a different culture and customs, but I did. I fell in love with the way they treated me, and the thought that I belonged to a certain group of friends. I had the gorgeous boyfriend, the awesome group of friends, and we enjoyed our times together. The pain didn't come in meeting them, though. It came in the realization that I only had a certain number of days left with them. That's when the pain started. Not seeing and talking to them daily, or really being there...

Today, though, there is a new pain. A pain of not being able to see them. Knowing that there are seven hours between us at all times. Being broken because in a sense that aspect of my life, the one that I truly adored, is over. Over in the preivous sentence is used more as the verb gone. Like when someone dies, they are gone. That's the feeling I have. A feeling that I can never get them... or him back. A feeling that makes me sick.

I'm not sure how to explain my state of mind with anyone, but that's the best I can do. I fell in love not just with a person, but also with a community. A place that became my home. Where people knew when I was upset, and came looking for me on those bathroom toliets at school because they'd knew where I'd be.

They knew me. They loved me, even though they knew me. They held me. They listened to me. They taught me. And tutored me. They loved me.

And leaving them, and the place I love is my rock bottom. A place of mourning. A place of trying to fit in, and not succeeding like I have once done. A place of uncertainity. Of wanting to be back "home".

Friday, July 2, 2010

Impact & Love.

When I think about things that make me happy. I love relationships. You know the ones that really mean something to you. I remember riding around with my mom, helping her get some things from one store to the other, and I told her after mentioning meeting some people, "I just don't think they realize, I don't just meet people. I take these kinds of relationships seriously." And thinking about it.... I really do.

And when it's asked, "What do you want to do with your life?" The only answer that keeps coming to mind is, "Impact and love." I want to make an impact on the lives that I meet, on the people I befriend, and the relationships in my life. And I want to do that through love.

That's no career choice, and that answers absolutely NONE of the questions that I keep asking myself. But at the same time if I can do that throughout my whole life, impact and love that is, then I'm happy. I'm okay with that.

I know. I know. I should be thinking about what God wants for my life. I have no excuses to say to that, and I won't even start. They won't be good. But I do know that I want to impact and love no matter what.

Let's start this new adventure... (:

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Swimming without my floaties.

I was told once that I should be a philosopher because I ask so many questions. My heart is so heavy with just the desire to know what, where, when, why, and how. I mean, we are taught to pick out the five important questions in every passage that we read, to think critically, and choose our decisions wisely all throughout our high school careers.

But in church we are taught not to ask those questions really. I mean a little... to think critically..yeah, and to make wise decisions of course! But the what, where, when, why, and how... we are kind of taught to throw those out of the window. To just "go where God is calling us", to "trust in Him alone".

I apologize now that my thoughts are so twisted. I seem to be lost in America, with the decisions that I really should be making, that can change the out come of the rest of my life. To be honest, the thought of really making those decisions scares the living mess out of me. I left a seventeen year old little girl, and came back an eighteen year old "adult".... but as an "adult" speaking, I don't know what I want. Where I want to go, why I want to go there, when I want to get there, or how I want to succeed in doing it. I have no clue. None what so ever, and I have know clue where this journey is taking me.

I feel a little lost, swimming in the deep end without my floaties. I miss when I could show off and stand on my knees in the shallow end, and still have my head above water. I want to put the lessons of schredding water to use, but in the midst of all of the thoughts, I have forgotten the way it goes... how to get started.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

The lesson of my life....

I think even as I am coming home, and readjusting to life, I am still learning how to love. But I think too this past year has also taught me how to forgive. Not those, "I forgive you"s where you just say it, but what it truly means.
I also see a ton of anger from how much life has not changed in some aspects here, but maybe I will learn to forgive those situations too... with time.

"You will never be who you were again." -Audra Watson.

As I was looking for a significant "forgiveness quote", I realized that love and forgiveness have a ton of things in common. They are closely related, and go hand in hand which is a good "AH HA" moment for me.


Friday, June 4, 2010

Life in a suitcase?

Remind me next time, not to get so comfortable in one place; or let me go, and live all over the world.

That would be nice, living out of a suitcase. ;)

Thursday, May 6, 2010

"Hitting walls and gettin' scars only makes you who you are..."

"No matter how much your heart is aching, there is beauty in the breaking."

Some times when it's time to sit down, and be honest and real and tell someone something, it doesn't go good. The whole situation is uncomfortable, and makes you just want to run away. I had one of those situations today. And even when I was strong, and stood up for myself... there was pain in the outcome.

I guess today was just a reminder that I'll have "those" kinda days no matter what country I am in...


Becoming tougher,
Michelle

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Resting in the Oasis.

"JESUS answered, 'Everyone who drinks this (well) water will be thirsty again, but those who drink the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.'" -John 4: 13-14

The long tension of confusion and fear finally did me in last night. After an absolutely wonderful day with my host family full of laughter and stories of Maike's first years. But still there was something missing, and that something was deep in my heart. Was missing, and there was a confusion like I can't describe.

After realizing that there was something spiritually really going on in my head and heart, I decided to call people that have had huge spiritual influence in my life. And I continued to call people until the third one timidly answered his phone. (The out of country numbers are pretty intimidating.) None the less, I was able to cut up with him for a minute, and catch up, and have a good time, but still, being the person he is, he realized that something was up, and began to ask questions. It didn't take long until I had poured my guts out with huge tears and imperfect English.

My loving brother and mentor of so many years in Christ, openly told me that I was just believing so many lies from the enemy. Lies that make no sense. Blunt, bold faced lies. Lies that my God doesn't love me. That if I sin I can't pray. Lies that have caused heart-wrenching pain, along with confusion in what I stand for as a person. And I just had to get it out. Not only did my brother tell me the load of lies that I was believing; he also prayed over me, and spoke a word over my life that came directly from my God, my Father, my Savior:

"Michelle, I am so proud of you, and I love you tremendously. I need you to relax, and just trust me. You won't understand what I am doing, and you won't figure it out. Just trust me."


I began to feel an overwhelming peace that came across my body and heard, "The peace you feel is me wrapping you like a baby up in my arms. Just trust me. I haven't left you, even though you feel alone. You are making a difference for my kingdom in Germany, Michelle. Just trust me."

At the end of the conversation my mentor told me, "Baby girl, you're in a desert, but tonight you just experienced an oasis. Your God knows you can't go another step, and he's just going to sit down and rest with you tonight. You're not done in this desert, but don't forget that this is preparing you for what's next to come. Something you don't know, but in some way, will be used."

Even though there's a little negative side to the reality in this story, that I am in the desert desperate for water, shade, and rest, I'm ready to continue the journey. Ready to see that I will come out of this desert alive in one peace because I serve a faithful, righteous, and holy God. My heart is overjoyed with the love of my Savior who knows when I just can't go any more. Who is the breath of my life.

Resting in my oasis,
-Michelle

"Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit and his worshiper must worship in the Spirit and in truth." John 4: 23-24




Sunday, April 18, 2010

Imperfect Perfection.

So I am sitting here after a long, but wonderful weekend. I went to dinner at a friend from the family's, and Annette, my goodness can that woman cook! She did an amazing job. (: And then yesterday I spent time with the Mama Doris in the garden, and helped plant, and arrange the flowers until we had expected yet unexpected guests come by. Erika and her husband are very good friends of Doris's, and we all got together for coffee and cake, and just catching up and enjoying ourselves. After the cake, I of course went running. As if that really helped! Last night, Opa and Rolf and I went to the circus where I just felt like a little kid again... I really did enjoy myself. It might have been that that was only my second circus ever, but man was it cool!

This weekend has also been filled with blank thinking moments, where I just can't help but try to figure out why I am a ball of emotions. I know that this will take many of you by surprise, and some of you, will just sit there and think, "she is JUST NOW seeing that?!" But I've realized that I am scared of messing up, of making mistakes, disappointing the people I love. Scared doesn't even hit the emotions. It's honestly terror. I don't say that lightly either. This terror tears through me, and makes me think a hundred and twenty-seven thousand times over one subject. And this terror persuades my decisions every time.

This is a terror with real tears, and worries. With sleepless nights and long periods of thinking. One that will probably control the rest of my life. I think "if this gets back to the states...", or "but what if...", or "they would think...", or "if I did, then they will think/hate..." My heart aches from this, and the thing I hate the most is I'm terrified to tell that to someone. To say, "I want to be perfect for you, but I can't." I really don't know where this mind-set of trying to be the newest form of perfection came from, but I sure do know that nothing in me will ever be it. And in spite of knowing those(these) facts, I still stress myself out, and worry myself with these thoughts.

My heart is scared again for change once again. Shocking probably for many of you once again. Change is my middle name. "Bold and ready for change" has been my slogan for so long, and now "Timid and Terrified" has taken it's place. But this change is coming, whether I am ready or not.

Glad to get this out.
-Michelle


Saturday, April 17, 2010

It's Like Days Are Just Flying By...


And honestly, I know that I say this a lot, but I am just seriously not ready for this chapter of my story to be over. I'm selfish. Blah. Blah. Blah. I know that you guys don't want to hear or read that I'm not ready to come home. Sometimes it's hard to be honest and real on here because I don't want to offend you guys back home. Don't get me wrong the second I get on the plane to go home, I will probably be so excited. And I am ready to hug a few people, and meet the newest members of my family, who are now half grown... okay that's a little exaggeration, but still they won't be the tiny babies they were.

Some of me still has a feeling that I am going to just be the "world traveler" of my family. I hope that I will be able to say that I am going to go where ever God tells me to go, but I have no clue where that is. I was listening to a podcast from Louie Gigliou and the Passion Church, and he said something about going where ever in the world God calls you, and that sometimes God's story for us is a raging river with waves that knock us out of our rafts, but that God will pick us up.... Something in that whole symbolic picture of God comforts me. Even when it's been a really long time since I've sat down and read my word.

He went on to say that God is "longing to take his children back." Something that I believe. That God still has a purpose for his children, which really made me think... "God still called me to this placed, a place that I adore. I am scared of what's next...but what's next doesn't come for a few months, and I'm excited that He's getting my attention again." Really He's never lost it... I guess all that I am trying to say in this whole blog is that I am terrified about where and what God will call me too, but then when I think about where I am and how I got here.... there's a comfort and peace that calms me down more than anyone else's words or opinions can. And I feel that some where in this chapter of my life, but story of God's, that he's preparing my heart to find my person deep down beliefs for myself. Even when opinions fly, that I will know who I am, and whose I am.

"Ich gehore zu dir, aber ich bin mich gar nicht sicher was das bedeutet."
Hanging on, and hoping that I will make a difference in this life.
-Michelle

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Scream your heart out.

I had a great time in Langeoog this past week with my host family. Langeoog is a little island off the Northwestern coast of Germany in the North Sea, and it's dang stinking cold. No cars are allowed, and every one greets one another with "moin." I think I rode a bicycle more this past week than I have in my entire life, but it was so much fun just getting a chance to spend time with my family there. This is a memory that not many people will get to say they experienced in their life, and I am so honored for the privelage of getting to take part in another part of the German culture.

One morning I decided to go to the beach early while on Langeoog, and before I left I just felt an urge to take my Bible with me. Sadly, I decided against bringing it with me, and this particular morning I just felt that God had something to say to me about his redeeming love. (It's insane that over a year later I'm still hung up on this love concept. Even after a camp that I experienced in June of last year where God's love was so real and big to me. It still is a touchy subject.) Needless to say, my morning on the beach was a peaceful one. One where I just listened to the birds chirpping and the waves crashing, and heard some where in the whisper of the wind the scripture that says something to the effect of "if you don't sing my praises, the rocks of the earth will". Don't ask me for a refference, I don't know where it is. But I heard God's creation singing praises to their king.

I leave in four days to finish out my Spring Break 2010 to go to London with two very good friends from school. We are all very excited about seeing London, and just hanging out together. :)

"My life doesn't belong to Germany, but it doesn't belong to America either."
Searching for my place,
-Michelle

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Realizations of myself.

I finally decided to start on my biggest assignment of the year, where my teachers here allowed me to write in English, which is a darn pitty because my English is a bit rusty. ( You'll be able to tell as you continue to read this, I am sure.) I wanted this to be a master piece to give to my teachers here, and I thought it really would be one. But I also thought this was going to be one of those easy
"this is what I did the two weeks I was interning at the school" essays, which by the way is completely false.

This is a folder of many different essays, including where my personal role was, how the kids/employers took my being there, there is one where I have to explain the entire school system, and how this particular school is run in comparision to other schools and so on. I am now working on something similar to a research paper that is also another part of this big assignment. Since I worked at a school, I decided to write about "Teaching Foreign Languages: The Earlier the Better", and I am very much interested in this subject. There are many fascinating articles, and interesting facts about the human mind, and how we as adults use to learn as children.

But here I am also learning many things about myself. I see that as an advanced student from America, how far behind as a student I am here. Maybe that is partly on a different system to blame, but maybe that also is to be blamed on myself. There are things that I should have and honestly could have asked for help in, such as Math. My Math skills here in Germany are very hindering to my education.

This thought that "grades don't matter for exchange students" doesn't help either because even when I want to understand, it makes no sense to ask for help because the grades don't matter in the end. This week I found out that I will not have to take my Math test, which is actually a bit unfair for many of the other students who also don't understand the subject.

But the thing that I see in myself, the thing that is good, is that I want to go back, and really sit down, and learn the things that in the past frustrated me. Things that I said were "too hard" and then gave up. I want to sit down, and learn how to study, and really apply myself to my school work. Not worship it, but really push myself to make an effort to catch myself up, and relearn things that I never "got".

I am ready for that challenge, and excited to sit down, and really learn how to learn.
Finding myself.
Michelle

Sunday, March 14, 2010

The one day I sleep in late...is a day when I need to go to bed early!

Typical of me, I know. Not thinking through things before I do them. Well I went to a dance last night, and it was so neat just to be with friends, classmates, teachers, and parents, and watching how much fun, (and participating) everyone was having.

Now I am awaiting the chance to travel to St. Johann, Austria with the eighth graders at school to do some skiing, which would be the coolest thing next to going to London, England with two of my absolute favorite Germans that walk the earth. :) The coolest part though, is if everything works out, I will be gone starting Friday then come back about a week later, in time to wash clothes and pack again so that I can join my German Family on a trip to the North Sea(Nord See)... then to come back home in time to celebrate Easter with the family plus Oma and Opa. And then to head out for England. That's right! Practically three weeks vacation. :D

It seems like a year should be an excessive amount of time, which in perspective to a week, it is... but I'm telling you, it's not enough time at all to really see everything... that comes with being a citizen of a specific country. No different than no foreign exchange student could spend one week in every state of America in one year. That's just the way the cookie crumbles I guess.

Looks like when I make it back to "the home land" I will be visiting a doctor about removing my oversized tonsils. They are being dumb, and are causing me to have fever, sore throat, and all sorts of dumb ill rated problems. But once they are out, so I have heard, things start pointing upward.

Well, it is 2 til midnight, and I have school, and am curling Maike's hair early because I love spending girl time together with my sisters. So good night/day/morning from where ever you are reading. I'm signing out, and going to sleep.

Monday, March 1, 2010

"Oh lasset uns an beten den König."

What a great and gloriomyself us God we serve. I just want you to stop, and really take in who your God is. Please take time to stop reading this, and just realize who it is you serve. I can tell you know who my god has been the last few months. Myself. Facebook. Perfection. Laziness. Feeling sorry for myself. My friends.

My god became thinking of before others. I noticed that today in the doctor's office when the doctor decided to take a man, who had been waiting longer than myself, before me. The way I made others feel was the last thing on my mind. Making time for people that I love hanging out with, was the furthest from my mind. Why couldn't they ask me first?

I started deliberately spending time on facebook, and not on my homework. Today I went to school completely unprepared for the day. None of the correct folders, books, and I still thought tomorrow I had a class that I don't have until Friday.

Overwhelming thoughts that I can't live up to expectations, or make deadlines, or be a good daughter, friend, sister, or aunt became just that....: overwhelming. I stopped sleeping. My thoughts turned and turned, and all I would think about was how can I improve myself? How can I make me better than I am. Maybe I should be nicer here, or do more work in that class to make my teacher realize that I am not dumb. That I really do understand my homework, and that I enjoy his class. Unreachable expectations of making make parents proud, or of making making my friends know that I am still standing behind them 5,000 miles away. I wanted to be perfect, something that I will ever be. Something that I know, but something I still have trouble with.

My heart was filled with pitty from the fact that I hated, and still do, not being able to be perfect. I would be happy on the outside, but on the inside, I questioned why I couldn't be perfect, and why I had to be so ugly....not physically meant. Why couldn't people do what they were asking me to do? Where did my friends in the states go? I have no friends... and such crap.

My friends here have become my world. I make sure to have time for them, before for myself or for my Lord. I began to shut him out so that I could spend as much time with them as I could. (Don't take that the wrong way. Spending time with your friends, really isn't that bad. But it doesn't help if it's your whole life. Everything is in measurement.)

Then I talked to a great friend of mine who was up way past her bed time. But I feel like for a divine moment... to remind me that I am not alone, and that our God is here. But not only that... that she hasn't forgot about me, and I her neither. And then at the end before she pleaded for sleep, she told me, "I am praying that God would give you the desires of your heart."

"Desires of my heart," I thought. "What desires?" I had no clue what my heart longed for so badly until tonight. Until my God gave me the desires of my heart. Until he spoke his love over my heart, over my life. A friend of mine, just sent me an email. "Hey, I'm praying for you. Hope you're still enjoying yourself. I miss you. See you soon." My heart was just humbled that God would know that I NEED that. Exactly, hearing those things was what I needed. And then another good friend of mine that I was pretty evil to, sent me a reply to something I sent. Something I expected, with love and gentleness that I've never known. A love that can only come from my God. From the one screaming, "Michelle, I LOVE YOU!" And I heard it again tonight.

I heard it from these emails. From a gift from a friend. From a friend calling and saying I want to see you. It's been too long, let's go out on Wednesday. From God giving me the desires of my heart.... the ones I didn't even think of.

"May God give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed." Psalm 20:4

Praise the God of this universe, who gave me the gift of Germany... to realize who I am!

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Ann boa lynn?

Sometimes I wonder what life will be like when I get back home because reality is: I'm not going back to the same life that I had. That's just the way it is. I am here in this place, and every one here has a story... that everyone knows. Like we all do in Southaven. It comes with having a little home town.

But it's like I wonder if things, friendships, and such are still there. I know some are... but then some of me has no clue what is going to come out of "coming home". Who will be there when I arrive on the 21st? Or will I even be able to say anything in English... that makes sense? Or will I be so sad?

This is the first time in my life that in my heart, I really have no desires. I don't know anything that my heart wants. It's like I can't think it through. Lie. I know what I want haha.

But really... I'll be back in church. I'll see people and meet people for the first time, and I'll start again at zero. (I mean that in the way that when I left the states I knew no one in Germany, and then I worked on meeting people and the language, and now things are rolling right along here in the big G-land. And I will have to do that again, but just in reverse for the states.)

I still love this place. It's still where I want to stay, there's just a voice in the back of my head reminding me that it's almost over, and life goes on. Time flies way to fast in my opinion. I have a fear of man.... I hope I fit in still when I get back to the states.

Friday, February 12, 2010

I'm beginning to see it in a different perspective.

I realized today that everything I do here is being watched, and filtered through by people here in Germany or in the States. Either way everyone knows, and there is no way of hiding who I am. Either I "shine" for the Lord, or I act like a pagen child. One way or another I will be remembered.

Crazy.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Mission: Failed.

I remember the excitement that I had as a Christ follower for the opportunity that God placed in my hands. I remember the drive and the goals that I set for myself, and one day I will be able to say I remember the day I decided to just live life.

At least I can say though that I am not going through the motions like I would in Southaven. I would continue to go to church, and give God lip service. Please know that I still believe in the One true and living God. My walk is just taking a look at absence right now. All of me wants to be praising the God of the Universe, and singing His praises. Irony in it all is that I do still sing love songs to the Lord. Most of the songs in my head are songs of who He is, and how His love brings us to such better places.

My biggest fear was that I would dissappoint my God and my family, and honestly, I'm not doing anything wrong. I am happy, and I am making friends, and spending time with my family, and getting to know what they like, what they don't, making time for them, and just having such a wonderful time here. But some where in there I have left out the my God sent me here to be His light. I look exactly like the German culture, and I am scared of coming back home to a Bible belt home.

To people who love, but to a culture that judges all that you do, or have done. I am no different. I use to do the same thing. I would look at those people who did this or that, and my heart would break, but my head would be talking them all up. Whether it is in my head, or it is in my heart, or out of my mouth it is still there, and it is still sin.

My calling is to love, and I just want to fulfill that with everything I have. My God said to me a long time ago, "You are to go and love the people where ever it is that I call you to go." And I do love these people, but I have no clue if I show them that. If they know that the love I have for them is a love that only Jesus Christ can give, and living and experiencing so much together. My heart longs to be in the will of my Lord, but I refuse to play in both worlds. I'm not going to just give Him lip service, when He calls for everything. I can't.

I would rather not give anything as to JUST give Him lip service. As I look at the fact that it's already February, my heart breaks. My time is almost up, and at the end of the time, I feel like I am going to hear, "Michelle Engelke: Mission Germany: Failed."

It's about living for the glory of Heavan, and the Kingdom. I'm not a bad person, and I don't buy alcohol illegally or do drugs, but I haven't showed any one into the Kingdom of the Lord, and for that I am broken. My fruits should show better than I have let them.

Living in Silence.
Michelle

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Goals, again?

My goal this weekend is to go, and have fun with the people who have become so important to me, and the same ones who I have seen since August the 15, 2009! Crazy how time really does fly. We'll get to be together for 4 days, and these have been the 4 days that have really kept some of going one the bad days.

I just thought this would take so much longer to get here really. It just makes me realize how fast this year is, and how this really isn't enough time. But I have to keep the head up, and just realize this is the best thing and craziest thing I think I have ever done.

Decide to come to Germany that is. I'm in loveeeeeeeeee. :D

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

So full of thoughts.

My head is just so full of thoughts these past few days. It's coming up on a week where sleep has been stollen from me, and my head just won't settle down. And when it finally does it seems that I am once again reminded how soon I am going to be leaving. This feels like my normal life. Don't get me wrong, I miss people, and I look forward to seeing them again, but I am so so sad that I am going to miss out on seeing people, and being with the friends I have made.

I guess that just means that I will eventually be very excited about coming back here to see everyone and every thing that I do have. I suppose I should be thankful that everything is and has worked out so well as it has, and yet it just feels like I'm screaming for time to go a little slower.

To those reading this, I hope you understand that I say that not trying to make you sad, but just to say that I really do want to continue living my life. The one that I have put so much work into. I mean it hit me to as I was speaking with a man from the German Parlament in Berlin that I really have come so far as to being able to telephone with someone about coming to visit them in Berlin. I am so proud of myself, but now I don't want it to end. You know?

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Learning my gifts.

As some of you may know, I just got through with a two week internship as an English teacher at the elementary school here in Lage-Müssen. It was something that at the first glimpse I had no desire what-so-ever to do, and then as the first day passed there was something in my heart that changed. Something that as the week went on, my heart began to really enjoy seeing my kids. And the though of saying "my kids" is now understood in my heart and head.

I had the chance while at this school to observe, and really put to the test my understanding of my own personal language, and how to explain it to a native German speaking student. It was actually probably the most fun I had in a long time. I got to use things like simple games to help teach the kids what body parts were, or how to say something correctly.

At the end of my two weeks, I got probably the coolest complement from one of the teachers at the school, who told me that I should really consider studying elementary education. She said, "You can't learn how to interact with children like you do. Nor can you learn how to explain things on their level like I have seen that you can. Nor have I seen children flock to someone the way they did with you. You have a gift."

After standing there not knowing what to think, I just said "um..thank you. Really thank you." My prayer has just been that God would take my heart, and make it his. Make my dreams his. I knew something was happening the second I began to wake-up excited to see my kids, and dred that my two weeks were almost over. I knew that my dreams were coming to a stop one day just laying in bed a little before christmas, thinking is NYU even where God wants me?

Is this still kicking my pride? Absolutely. Teaching isn't worth anything in the states, but I honestly feel that God has used my internship here in Germany to show me that I do have a gift with children. After the lesson that I did with the third graders, they had to tell the class what they thought, and they all said that they enjoyed it, and one said that I taught the class better that the regular teacher. I think that's partly because I'm not him, and I am someone different, but still it touched my heart.

Now my prayer continues to be that God would make it clear how I am going to accomplish His will as an elementary school teacher. With all the laws of separation of church and state, I'm not sure how much I look forward to this, but if this is my Lord's will for my life, if this is what He has designed my life for, then bigolly George! I am honored! I am honored that He showed me this gift, and honored that His has spoken in my life. Honored that I am rescued by the cross!

Learning my gifts and persuing the cross,
Michelle

Saturday, January 9, 2010

I dread summer.

When did it happen? No idea. How did it happen? No idea. Why did it happen? NO idea. But it did, and I am so glad it did. Nothing in me wants to leave this place. I love it here. I am so overwhelmed not about coming home, but about saying good-bye again.

The first time it was yeah, I'm coming back come...so it is no big deal, and I cried, and thought really hard, and was scared...but in the end I didn't know what I was scared of. The unknown...the "I am about to be on my own...at seventeen/eightteen....in a foreign country...with a language I can't speak." It was the things that I didn't that I could manage that scared me. What people would think of me. Would I even make friends? Would I fit into the culture. And now?

I am sitting here a little over 5 months looking to the future, and all I see is "Good-bye". And there is pain in that. There is pain in having to look these people, who have accepted me, and taught me their culture and language, who have become my friends, and knowing that my time with them is short. In my heart, they will always mean something to me. But it's like one of the girls said, "It's hard to stay in touch." I mean look at America... I can't keep up with y'all to save my life, and Germany too... she's right. It's hard.

I know what's coming. And as much as I love summer with the long days of work, and the spontaneous speeding (dad that's a lie) to get home to take a shower, getting ready, and going out, just to come home in time to see my parents pasted out on the couch. Those are great things. Missed things even, but I don't know how my heart is going to do when I leave. This place feels like home. I dread you, Summer. And, June, you in particular.

Tears will flow the entire week to two weeks before I leave.
To the best Germans I know! I love you all. :)

Sunday, January 3, 2010

When is strong too strong?

I guess the cool part about getting to be sick is Mom Doris always makes this drink, but it sounds disgusting so I will save you the details, but know if you are ever sick (throwing-up) I will be making this drink for you. And of course you get to sleep the whole day away, but anyone who knows me knows that I would rather be exploring, or walking, or drawing dresses. One day I will make a beautiful dress by the way.

A few weeks ago I was given the complement that I was a strong person. Honestly, here I have heard that many more times than I can count. Every time I hear it, it blows my mind. I mean I guess there are somethings that we just don't see in ourselves, right? Not saying I don't think I am a "strong person", but I know I have my weeknesses too.

For example, I can't do the whole being sick thing. If you've ever seen me sick, you'd understand that I am a complete baby the whole time. I remember my mom telling me one time when I was like six or seven that my husband was going to have to be one patient man to stay with me after the first time I am sick...hahaha. Such good memories.

But I guess the only thing I never want to happen is that I become too strong. That I become someone who doesn't feel anything. That kind of character is something I never want in my life. I want to be strong, of course. But my heart isn't to become ice cold...which is what happens sometimes with people who become strong. They are never again vulnerable or honest when they need help. I want to have a good balance.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Is falling in love with my Romancer.

I am really not sure when it happened, or how it happened really, but it's true.... I am falling in love. God has taken the broken mess I was, and is putting all my pieces back together. But what I am realizing is that before he could take and put my pieces back together, He had to break me and my heart, take out the parts of me that were cold, hard, and unmoved, and then He had to craft new pieces of my heart. He had to put new desires in it. He had to fill it with his love, his grace, vulnerability, compassion, and willingness to keep pushing forward in HIS name.

As I began this journey, I heard a voice saying to me that He had plans for me, plans for this year. (Jer. 33:11) He told me through simple songs that He could take care of the heartbreak, of the pain, of the journey to get to a new place as a person. I remember sitting there on a snow day in Southaven, right after a friend and I arrived at a sister church of ours for Sunday morning service. Then and there, my heart was beginning to be romanced. The worship team began to sing, "Nothing is impossible for you. Nothing is impossible for you. Nothing is impossible for you. Nothing is impossible for you...You hold the world in your hands." My heart was given hope that if it was His will for my life, I would be in Germany this year.

I was sitting in my room late one like, a little like tonight, and I was reading through Hosea, where the Lord just blasted 2:14-15, "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards and will make the Calley of Achor a door of hope. There she will respond as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt." God told me, "Michelle, I am going to give you your heart back."

God is continuing to give me promises. I am going back through Nehemiah right now, and honestly, I don't remember the story...which I have read in the past 5 months, I know that just from a pen, written on the pages of Nehemiah, that I got right before I left. But I read something I wrote in my margins of chapter three, " When you read this, they are rebuilding walls that have been torn down, but they are doing it a little bit at a time. God is rebuilding me a little bit at a time." (8/11/09) It goes on to say, " 35 different repairs are made in just chapter three alone." And my last note hit me really good, "Not only did it take time, but it took many people."

The Lord is going to give me my heart back a little bit at a time. But God isn't a fast pase God all the time. Some times it takes weeks, months, or years to see what it is He does in your life. This whole journey for me started in 2008, and now we are thankfully living in 2010.

After a night of bringing in the New Year with good friends, and lots of brownies, and good food, I got to sleep and wake up to an amazing day, where God's promises where fulfilled. I was standing in the living room of an amazing young lady her. We were listening to music, and I think she left the room for a minute or two, and in the mean time, I just stood at the window and watched huge snowflakes hit the already frozen early morning snow. Just watched it continue to come and come and come. Then, out of no where, I heard a familiar voice just say to me, "Michelle, I told you I was going to give you back your heart this year. I love you."

The thought that my God is my Romancer, is honestly something I never thought I would comprehend. I still don't comprehend it so well now, but I sure do know that my God is, "holding my heart." Showing me that I can trust him, that he fulfills his promises, and brings joy even when somethings He calls us to, are exactly the hardest thing to do.

I am looking forward to seeing what 2010 brings. Hopefully a year full of new things. A year full of God's lessons. I mean everyone hopes for a good year; a joyful year, right? I do too, but I will continue to know that my God is trustworthy, my God is Holy, my God is Love even if my year turns to poo. My God has shown me that.

Yeah, getting prayer answered with, "do you trust me?" gets really annoying sometimes, but those are the answers that push us to keep walking in His ways. My God is a beautiful Romancer. He can speak to me with words that blow my mind. Hold me with his tender arms, and rebuke me. He is who I want to please in this life.

Word of the day: Wait: to be content with uncontentness


I am Michelle Engelke the beloved of Jesus Christ.