It's a fairly simple concept.

My heart hurts.
I want to move on.
But my heart hurts.

It's days like these when things were supposed to be,
but now aren't... That hurt the worst. A pain that is not
describable.

Broken is NOT beautiful.

I've been home (or will have been home in two hours) for four weeks today. I guess the theme of my life right now is really how fast time flies! It's like it just doesn't let up for two seconds. Constantly ticking away, and yet dragging on and on... taking my heart through the deepest pain I think I have ever known.

I never thought that when I left for Germany that I know a love for people of a new place, with a different culture and customs, but I did. I fell in love with the way they treated me, and the thought that I belonged to a certain group of friends. I had the gorgeous boyfriend, the awesome group of friends, and we enjoyed our times together. The pain didn't come in meeting them, though. It came in the realization that I only had a certain number of days left with them. That's when the pain started. Not seeing and talking to them daily, or really being there...

Today, though, there is a new pain. A pain of not being able to see them. Knowing that there are seven hours between us at all times. Being broken because in a sense that aspect of my life, the one that I truly adored, is over. Over in the preivous sentence is used more as the verb gone. Like when someone dies, they are gone. That's the feeling I have. A feeling that I can never get them... or him back. A feeling that makes me sick.

I'm not sure how to explain my state of mind with anyone, but that's the best I can do. I fell in love not just with a person, but also with a community. A place that became my home. Where people knew when I was upset, and came looking for me on those bathroom toliets at school because they'd knew where I'd be.

They knew me. They loved me, even though they knew me. They held me. They listened to me. They taught me. And tutored me. They loved me.

And leaving them, and the place I love is my rock bottom. A place of mourning. A place of trying to fit in, and not succeeding like I have once done. A place of uncertainity. Of wanting to be back "home".

Impact & Love.

When I think about things that make me happy. I love relationships. You know the ones that really mean something to you. I remember riding around with my mom, helping her get some things from one store to the other, and I told her after mentioning meeting some people, "I just don't think they realize, I don't just meet people. I take these kinds of relationships seriously." And thinking about it.... I really do.

And when it's asked, "What do you want to do with your life?" The only answer that keeps coming to mind is, "Impact and love." I want to make an impact on the lives that I meet, on the people I befriend, and the relationships in my life. And I want to do that through love.

That's no career choice, and that answers absolutely NONE of the questions that I keep asking myself. But at the same time if I can do that throughout my whole life, impact and love that is, then I'm happy. I'm okay with that.

I know. I know. I should be thinking about what God wants for my life. I have no excuses to say to that, and I won't even start. They won't be good. But I do know that I want to impact and love no matter what.

Let's start this new adventure... (: