I've not really thought about you in a while,

but it's like tonight I really just need some closure. I feel like I know I can live without you, but without you I'll be misrable at best. Cliche' I know, but I really do miss you. I'm not sure why though. I just really want to be able to hug you, and tell you good-bye. That's never going to happen though. I know that.

Tonight was a good night. I went to the Merkosky's for dinner, and I just got to hang out with them, and sing, and talk. It was beautiful. I'm seriously going to miss them. One day, I hope that I'll be able to say that they are family friends that go way way back. I love them, and the hearts they have for the Lord.

I don't know why I miss you so much right now, but I do. I really don't want anything other than to talk to you, and you probably don't feel the same way. I understand that. I just wish that you respected the need to talk to you the way I do when you just out of no where call me. It's not like I want you back; it's just that this is the first time in five years that I know you will be no where in my life. I guess it's where our lives go on.

I thought that first loves were the kind of things that you really get over, but some of me thinks there will be days that I'll miss you even after I'm grown up, and married. That could just be the medicine kicking in saying that. I don't really know. I miss you, and I wish you all the best as you go through your senior year. Make it count, and find where God wants you. Find your girl. I know she'll be beautiful. I love you forever, after all you were the first one I loved.

I'm scared I'm going to lose you as a friend. I don't think we're going to be anything more than that ever. I hope you're ready to let go of a long lasting friendship.

And to you, I don't have a clue what to say. I'm scared. I guess I'll leave it there.

God is encouraging me as I go throughout this last week and a half here in the states. I'm completely at peace minus wanting to tell you good-bye. You're the only one person I've not told. But I knew I wouldn't get to. I'll be okay.

This year is going to be one that will absolutely life changing, and I'm excited to see what God does in it. I'm pumped, and nervous, and at peace that God knows what He's doing. That He's going to be going with me, and that in the midst of aching and pain and homesickness He'll be there.

And you caught me off guard now I'm running and screaming....!