4/11/09

Change is pretty inevitable. The only one consistant thing is change right? You look different with every decision. Whether you decide to wear a new shirt, or get your hair cut. You're changing. People change. Personalities change. Friendships change. But really the only thing that I hate that's changed when I look around, is me. I'm the friend out of all the others that really has changed. I just realized it tonight. I'm so mean. I'm bitter. And I take it out on the people I love, and the ones who I'm scared to love, and the ones who I'm scared might hurt me. I am the epitomy of the "b word", and I don't care. I hurt people's feeling, and I never watch what I say. I am quick to anger and fast to tune you out. I'm instaneously moved to yelling and screaming. And nothing in me wants to back down. "Win this fight," is all that I think.I reel people in just to hook 'em and sink 'em. I want people to hurt the way I've been hurting. I want the ones that did and caused the pain to feel it. I hate who I am. I hate this bitterness that I keep built up inside.I saw a "best friend" from the fifth grade a couple months ago, and the reason we aren't friends today came rushing back to my head. I see people, and my first thought if I don't like them is the exact instint of why I hate them.My heart wants to be near, but I'm so far from who God is. You can't love God, and hate your brothers and sisters in Christ or treat peolpe the way I do. And just for the record, I'm going to Germany. I haven't left yet. That's a whole nother story for a whole nother time. And to those of you who have been in the middle of all my anger, I send you a deep and sincere apology.