My goal this weekend is to go, and have fun with the people who have become so important to me, and the same ones who I have seen since August the 15, 2009! Crazy how time really does fly. We'll get to be together for 4 days, and these have been the 4 days that have really kept some of going one the bad days.
I just thought this would take so much longer to get here really. It just makes me realize how fast this year is, and how this really isn't enough time. But I have to keep the head up, and just realize this is the best thing and craziest thing I think I have ever done.
Decide to come to Germany that is. I'm in loveeeeeeeeee. :D
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
So full of thoughts.
My head is just so full of thoughts these past few days. It's coming up on a week where sleep has been stollen from me, and my head just won't settle down. And when it finally does it seems that I am once again reminded how soon I am going to be leaving. This feels like my normal life. Don't get me wrong, I miss people, and I look forward to seeing them again, but I am so so sad that I am going to miss out on seeing people, and being with the friends I have made.
I guess that just means that I will eventually be very excited about coming back here to see everyone and every thing that I do have. I suppose I should be thankful that everything is and has worked out so well as it has, and yet it just feels like I'm screaming for time to go a little slower.
To those reading this, I hope you understand that I say that not trying to make you sad, but just to say that I really do want to continue living my life. The one that I have put so much work into. I mean it hit me to as I was speaking with a man from the German Parlament in Berlin that I really have come so far as to being able to telephone with someone about coming to visit them in Berlin. I am so proud of myself, but now I don't want it to end. You know?
I guess that just means that I will eventually be very excited about coming back here to see everyone and every thing that I do have. I suppose I should be thankful that everything is and has worked out so well as it has, and yet it just feels like I'm screaming for time to go a little slower.
To those reading this, I hope you understand that I say that not trying to make you sad, but just to say that I really do want to continue living my life. The one that I have put so much work into. I mean it hit me to as I was speaking with a man from the German Parlament in Berlin that I really have come so far as to being able to telephone with someone about coming to visit them in Berlin. I am so proud of myself, but now I don't want it to end. You know?
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Learning my gifts.
As some of you may know, I just got through with a two week internship as an English teacher at the elementary school here in Lage-Müssen. It was something that at the first glimpse I had no desire what-so-ever to do, and then as the first day passed there was something in my heart that changed. Something that as the week went on, my heart began to really enjoy seeing my kids. And the though of saying "my kids" is now understood in my heart and head. I had the chance while at this school to observe, and really put to the test my understanding of my own personal language, and how to explain it to a native German speaking student. It was actually probably the most fun I had in a long time. I got to use things like simple games to help teach the kids what body parts were, or how to say something correctly.
At the end of my two weeks, I got probably the coolest complement from one of the teachers at the school, who told me that I should really consider studying elementary education. She said, "You can't learn how to interact with children like you do. Nor can you learn how to explain things on their level like I have seen that you can. Nor have I seen children flock to someone the way they did with you. You have a gift."
After standing there not knowing what to think, I just said "um..thank you. Really thank you." My prayer has just been that God would take my heart, and make it his. Make my dreams his. I knew something was happening the second I began to wake-up excited to see my kids, and dred that my two weeks were almost over. I knew that my dreams were coming to a stop one day just laying in bed a little before christmas, thinking is NYU even where God wants me?
Is this still kicking my pride? Absolutely. Teaching isn't worth anything in the states, but I honestly feel that God has used my internship here in Germany to show me that I do have a gift with children. After the lesson that I did with the third graders, they had to tell the class what they thought, and they all said that they enjoyed it, and one said that I taught the class better that the regular teacher. I think that's partly because I'm not him, and I am someone different, but still it touched my heart.
Now my prayer continues to be that God would make it clear how I am going to accomplish His will as an elementary school teacher. With all the laws of separation of church and state, I'm not sure how much I look forward to this, but if this is my Lord's will for my life, if this is what He has designed my life for, then bigolly George! I am honored! I am honored that He showed me this gift, and honored that His has spoken in my life. Honored that I am rescued by the cross!
Learning my gifts and persuing the cross,
Michelle
Saturday, January 9, 2010
I dread summer.
When did it happen? No idea. How did it happen? No idea. Why did it happen? NO idea. But it did, and I am so glad it did. Nothing in me wants to leave this place. I love it here. I am so overwhelmed not about coming home, but about saying good-bye again.
The first time it was yeah, I'm coming back come...so it is no big deal, and I cried, and thought really hard, and was scared...but in the end I didn't know what I was scared of. The unknown...the "I am about to be on my own...at seventeen/eightteen....in a foreign country...with a language I can't speak." It was the things that I didn't that I could manage that scared me. What people would think of me. Would I even make friends? Would I fit into the culture. And now?
I am sitting here a little over 5 months looking to the future, and all I see is "Good-bye". And there is pain in that. There is pain in having to look these people, who have accepted me, and taught me their culture and language, who have become my friends, and knowing that my time with them is short. In my heart, they will always mean something to me. But it's like one of the girls said, "It's hard to stay in touch." I mean look at America... I can't keep up with y'all to save my life, and Germany too... she's right. It's hard.
I know what's coming. And as much as I love summer with the long days of work, and the spontaneous speeding (dad that's a lie) to get home to take a shower, getting ready, and going out, just to come home in time to see my parents pasted out on the couch. Those are great things. Missed things even, but I don't know how my heart is going to do when I leave. This place feels like home. I dread you, Summer. And, June, you in particular.
Tears will flow the entire week to two weeks before I leave.
To the best Germans I know! I love you all. :)
The first time it was yeah, I'm coming back come...so it is no big deal, and I cried, and thought really hard, and was scared...but in the end I didn't know what I was scared of. The unknown...the "I am about to be on my own...at seventeen/eightteen....in a foreign country...with a language I can't speak." It was the things that I didn't that I could manage that scared me. What people would think of me. Would I even make friends? Would I fit into the culture. And now?
I am sitting here a little over 5 months looking to the future, and all I see is "Good-bye". And there is pain in that. There is pain in having to look these people, who have accepted me, and taught me their culture and language, who have become my friends, and knowing that my time with them is short. In my heart, they will always mean something to me. But it's like one of the girls said, "It's hard to stay in touch." I mean look at America... I can't keep up with y'all to save my life, and Germany too... she's right. It's hard.
I know what's coming. And as much as I love summer with the long days of work, and the spontaneous speeding (dad that's a lie) to get home to take a shower, getting ready, and going out, just to come home in time to see my parents pasted out on the couch. Those are great things. Missed things even, but I don't know how my heart is going to do when I leave. This place feels like home. I dread you, Summer. And, June, you in particular.
Tears will flow the entire week to two weeks before I leave.
To the best Germans I know! I love you all. :)
Sunday, January 3, 2010
When is strong too strong?
I guess the cool part about getting to be sick is Mom Doris always makes this drink, but it sounds disgusting so I will save you the details, but know if you are ever sick (throwing-up) I will be making this drink for you. And of course you get to sleep the whole day away, but anyone who knows me knows that I would rather be exploring, or walking, or drawing dresses. One day I will make a beautiful dress by the way.
A few weeks ago I was given the complement that I was a strong person. Honestly, here I have heard that many more times than I can count. Every time I hear it, it blows my mind. I mean I guess there are somethings that we just don't see in ourselves, right? Not saying I don't think I am a "strong person", but I know I have my weeknesses too.
For example, I can't do the whole being sick thing. If you've ever seen me sick, you'd understand that I am a complete baby the whole time. I remember my mom telling me one time when I was like six or seven that my husband was going to have to be one patient man to stay with me after the first time I am sick...hahaha. Such good memories.
But I guess the only thing I never want to happen is that I become too strong. That I become someone who doesn't feel anything. That kind of character is something I never want in my life. I want to be strong, of course. But my heart isn't to become ice cold...which is what happens sometimes with people who become strong. They are never again vulnerable or honest when they need help. I want to have a good balance.
A few weeks ago I was given the complement that I was a strong person. Honestly, here I have heard that many more times than I can count. Every time I hear it, it blows my mind. I mean I guess there are somethings that we just don't see in ourselves, right? Not saying I don't think I am a "strong person", but I know I have my weeknesses too.
For example, I can't do the whole being sick thing. If you've ever seen me sick, you'd understand that I am a complete baby the whole time. I remember my mom telling me one time when I was like six or seven that my husband was going to have to be one patient man to stay with me after the first time I am sick...hahaha. Such good memories.
But I guess the only thing I never want to happen is that I become too strong. That I become someone who doesn't feel anything. That kind of character is something I never want in my life. I want to be strong, of course. But my heart isn't to become ice cold...which is what happens sometimes with people who become strong. They are never again vulnerable or honest when they need help. I want to have a good balance.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Is falling in love with my Romancer.
I am really not sure when it happened, or how it happened really, but it's true.... I am falling in love. God has taken the broken mess I was, and is putting all my pieces back together. But what I am realizing is that before he could take and put my pieces back together, He had to break me and my heart, take out the parts of me that were cold, hard, and unmoved, and then He had to craft new pieces of my heart. He had to put new desires in it. He had to fill it with his love, his grace, vulnerability, compassion, and willingness to keep pushing forward in HIS name.
As I began this journey, I heard a voice saying to me that He had plans for me, plans for this year. (Jer. 33:11) He told me through simple songs that He could take care of the heartbreak, of the pain, of the journey to get to a new place as a person. I remember sitting there on a snow day in Southaven, right after a friend and I arrived at a sister church of ours for Sunday morning service. Then and there, my heart was beginning to be romanced. The worship team began to sing, "Nothing is impossible for you. Nothing is impossible for you. Nothing is impossible for you. Nothing is impossible for you...You hold the world in your hands." My heart was given hope that if it was His will for my life, I would be in Germany this year.
I was sitting in my room late one like, a little like tonight, and I was reading through Hosea, where the Lord just blasted 2:14-15, "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards and will make the Calley of Achor a door of hope. There she will respond as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt." God told me, "Michelle, I am going to give you your heart back."
God is continuing to give me promises. I am going back through Nehemiah right now, and honestly, I don't remember the story...which I have read in the past 5 months, I know that just from a pen, written on the pages of Nehemiah, that I got right before I left. But I read something I wrote in my margins of chapter three, " When you read this, they are rebuilding walls that have been torn down, but they are doing it a little bit at a time. God is rebuilding me a little bit at a time." (8/11/09) It goes on to say, " 35 different repairs are made in just chapter three alone." And my last note hit me really good, "Not only did it take time, but it took many people."
The Lord is going to give me my heart back a little bit at a time. But God isn't a fast pase God all the time. Some times it takes weeks, months, or years to see what it is He does in your life. This whole journey for me started in 2008, and now we are thankfully living in 2010.
After a night of bringing in the New Year with good friends, and lots of brownies, and good food, I got to sleep and wake up to an amazing day, where God's promises where fulfilled. I was standing in the living room of an amazing young lady her. We were listening to music, and I think she left the room for a minute or two, and in the mean time, I just stood at the window and watched huge snowflakes hit the already frozen early morning snow. Just watched it continue to come and come and come. Then, out of no where, I heard a familiar voice just say to me, "Michelle, I told you I was going to give you back your heart this year. I love you."
The thought that my God is my Romancer, is honestly something I never thought I would comprehend. I still don't comprehend it so well now, but I sure do know that my God is, "holding my heart." Showing me that I can trust him, that he fulfills his promises, and brings joy even when somethings He calls us to, are exactly the hardest thing to do.
I am looking forward to seeing what 2010 brings. Hopefully a year full of new things. A year full of God's lessons. I mean everyone hopes for a good year; a joyful year, right? I do too, but I will continue to know that my God is trustworthy, my God is Holy, my God is Love even if my year turns to poo. My God has shown me that.
Yeah, getting prayer answered with, "do you trust me?" gets really annoying sometimes, but those are the answers that push us to keep walking in His ways. My God is a beautiful Romancer. He can speak to me with words that blow my mind. Hold me with his tender arms, and rebuke me. He is who I want to please in this life.
Word of the day: Wait: to be content with uncontentness
I am Michelle Engelke the beloved of Jesus Christ.
As I began this journey, I heard a voice saying to me that He had plans for me, plans for this year. (Jer. 33:11) He told me through simple songs that He could take care of the heartbreak, of the pain, of the journey to get to a new place as a person. I remember sitting there on a snow day in Southaven, right after a friend and I arrived at a sister church of ours for Sunday morning service. Then and there, my heart was beginning to be romanced. The worship team began to sing, "Nothing is impossible for you. Nothing is impossible for you. Nothing is impossible for you. Nothing is impossible for you...You hold the world in your hands." My heart was given hope that if it was His will for my life, I would be in Germany this year.
I was sitting in my room late one like, a little like tonight, and I was reading through Hosea, where the Lord just blasted 2:14-15, "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards and will make the Calley of Achor a door of hope. There she will respond as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt." God told me, "Michelle, I am going to give you your heart back."
God is continuing to give me promises. I am going back through Nehemiah right now, and honestly, I don't remember the story...which I have read in the past 5 months, I know that just from a pen, written on the pages of Nehemiah, that I got right before I left. But I read something I wrote in my margins of chapter three, " When you read this, they are rebuilding walls that have been torn down, but they are doing it a little bit at a time. God is rebuilding me a little bit at a time." (8/11/09) It goes on to say, " 35 different repairs are made in just chapter three alone." And my last note hit me really good, "Not only did it take time, but it took many people."
The Lord is going to give me my heart back a little bit at a time. But God isn't a fast pase God all the time. Some times it takes weeks, months, or years to see what it is He does in your life. This whole journey for me started in 2008, and now we are thankfully living in 2010.
After a night of bringing in the New Year with good friends, and lots of brownies, and good food, I got to sleep and wake up to an amazing day, where God's promises where fulfilled. I was standing in the living room of an amazing young lady her. We were listening to music, and I think she left the room for a minute or two, and in the mean time, I just stood at the window and watched huge snowflakes hit the already frozen early morning snow. Just watched it continue to come and come and come. Then, out of no where, I heard a familiar voice just say to me, "Michelle, I told you I was going to give you back your heart this year. I love you."
The thought that my God is my Romancer, is honestly something I never thought I would comprehend. I still don't comprehend it so well now, but I sure do know that my God is, "holding my heart." Showing me that I can trust him, that he fulfills his promises, and brings joy even when somethings He calls us to, are exactly the hardest thing to do.
I am looking forward to seeing what 2010 brings. Hopefully a year full of new things. A year full of God's lessons. I mean everyone hopes for a good year; a joyful year, right? I do too, but I will continue to know that my God is trustworthy, my God is Holy, my God is Love even if my year turns to poo. My God has shown me that.
Yeah, getting prayer answered with, "do you trust me?" gets really annoying sometimes, but those are the answers that push us to keep walking in His ways. My God is a beautiful Romancer. He can speak to me with words that blow my mind. Hold me with his tender arms, and rebuke me. He is who I want to please in this life.
Word of the day: Wait: to be content with uncontentness
I am Michelle Engelke the beloved of Jesus Christ.
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