Ann boa lynn?

Sometimes I wonder what life will be like when I get back home because reality is: I'm not going back to the same life that I had. That's just the way it is. I am here in this place, and every one here has a story... that everyone knows. Like we all do in Southaven. It comes with having a little home town.

But it's like I wonder if things, friendships, and such are still there. I know some are... but then some of me has no clue what is going to come out of "coming home". Who will be there when I arrive on the 21st? Or will I even be able to say anything in English... that makes sense? Or will I be so sad?

This is the first time in my life that in my heart, I really have no desires. I don't know anything that my heart wants. It's like I can't think it through. Lie. I know what I want haha.

But really... I'll be back in church. I'll see people and meet people for the first time, and I'll start again at zero. (I mean that in the way that when I left the states I knew no one in Germany, and then I worked on meeting people and the language, and now things are rolling right along here in the big G-land. And I will have to do that again, but just in reverse for the states.)

I still love this place. It's still where I want to stay, there's just a voice in the back of my head reminding me that it's almost over, and life goes on. Time flies way to fast in my opinion. I have a fear of man.... I hope I fit in still when I get back to the states.

I'm beginning to see it in a different perspective.

I realized today that everything I do here is being watched, and filtered through by people here in Germany or in the States. Either way everyone knows, and there is no way of hiding who I am. Either I "shine" for the Lord, or I act like a pagen child. One way or another I will be remembered.

Crazy.

Mission: Failed.

I remember the excitement that I had as a Christ follower for the opportunity that God placed in my hands. I remember the drive and the goals that I set for myself, and one day I will be able to say I remember the day I decided to just live life.

At least I can say though that I am not going through the motions like I would in Southaven. I would continue to go to church, and give God lip service. Please know that I still believe in the One true and living God. My walk is just taking a look at absence right now. All of me wants to be praising the God of the Universe, and singing His praises. Irony in it all is that I do still sing love songs to the Lord. Most of the songs in my head are songs of who He is, and how His love brings us to such better places.

My biggest fear was that I would dissappoint my God and my family, and honestly, I'm not doing anything wrong. I am happy, and I am making friends, and spending time with my family, and getting to know what they like, what they don't, making time for them, and just having such a wonderful time here. But some where in there I have left out the my God sent me here to be His light. I look exactly like the German culture, and I am scared of coming back home to a Bible belt home.

To people who love, but to a culture that judges all that you do, or have done. I am no different. I use to do the same thing. I would look at those people who did this or that, and my heart would break, but my head would be talking them all up. Whether it is in my head, or it is in my heart, or out of my mouth it is still there, and it is still sin.

My calling is to love, and I just want to fulfill that with everything I have. My God said to me a long time ago, "You are to go and love the people where ever it is that I call you to go." And I do love these people, but I have no clue if I show them that. If they know that the love I have for them is a love that only Jesus Christ can give, and living and experiencing so much together. My heart longs to be in the will of my Lord, but I refuse to play in both worlds. I'm not going to just give Him lip service, when He calls for everything. I can't.

I would rather not give anything as to JUST give Him lip service. As I look at the fact that it's already February, my heart breaks. My time is almost up, and at the end of the time, I feel like I am going to hear, "Michelle Engelke: Mission Germany: Failed."

It's about living for the glory of Heavan, and the Kingdom. I'm not a bad person, and I don't buy alcohol illegally or do drugs, but I haven't showed any one into the Kingdom of the Lord, and for that I am broken. My fruits should show better than I have let them.

Living in Silence.
Michelle