Tell me how can you sleep?

How can you breathe? Baby, tell me how you love me now. Tell me how can you sleep? How can you breathe? I hate how you say you love me now. Woah Wo... a..oh.. :)


I know that people told me this would be the best thing of my life, but some times I forget that they also said it would be hard. This is just one of those nights where I am sitting here thinking, which is never good. Questions keep tossing and turning in my head, and it's like I know that it's dumb and I do want this, but tonight I just keep asking if this is really what I wanted?

Am I really strong enough for this place? I really don't see that I will EVER be "strong" enough for this place, and distance from my God has never been so far. Everything in me is bound to make it through this year, and become someone new. Become and new woman, ready to know exactly what I want to live in this life, and whom for. I already know part of that sentence. Jesus.

But then I think I could be safe and sound in my bed in the states. I could be living a normal "senior year" this year, and seeing if things would work out with the people I miss the most. I hate that I miss some so much, might I add. But it seems like you never realize the ones you'll really miss until you're gone. So it that in life, huh?

I just want this year to mean something; to matter at the end of the day. I want it to be something that at the end, I say, "Look at what you have accomplished." But NOT just that... but I want to hear, "Look what I have accomplished in your life, character, and who you are." from my Lord. My goal at the end of the day countines to be to make my God proud, even if I "stick out like a sore thumb."

But can I ask you a question? Of course other than the previous sentence. How much would you endure for the glory of your God? I don't want any of those stupid, and yes i said STUPID, (get over it) sunday school answers. I'm sick of those "right" answers. I want honest answers. How far would you go for the God you serve?

Do you really believe all the promises that His Word says? That He'll never leave you? That you're going to make it through the next storm? That you're going to become stronger at the end of everything that you're living right now? Do you really believe that He died for you, and paid all your sins at the cross, and that all you have to do is say "God, I need your Son's blood to cover my life, my heart." To say that no matter what happens, no matter where you lead me, and what trails and tests I fail, I am still going to pick myself up, and say, "I am yours; You are mine.... I give my life away, and leave it all behind" to give you more glory.

Honestly, I am seeing that my "faith" was nothing more than listening and doing exactly what people said. This life is HARD. There is nothing easy about loving people who think totally differently about this life. Do I really believe all His promises? I can't say that I honestly do, but wait. I do believe. I do. But somewhere in this I've forgotten what it is that my Lord really has done for me. What His word says; That He is always here. He's not leaving, and His ways are guided for me.

Do I always think I am going to make it out of my struggles? Absolutely not. I look at things here, and I think all the time that I am seeing the wicked and disgusting sinful nature of myself. I will take on Paul for that "worst of all sinners" place. My heart is filthy.

He'll never leave you? I've never felt so alone. He's here; I know He is, I just can't seem to find Him. I've lost Him in this crowd; His voice is so hard to hear. I just need to hear His voice one again, I need Him to hold me again. I need His touch. I need Him, but I know He is here. I've just got to keep calling His name, or listen harder for Him to call mine.

Sometimes, it's like the storm never ends, and I don't think my heart will ever be whole. I feel like the tree blowing around in the wind. Whipping and binding, praying that my roots are strong enough to withstand this life. I know I'll be different, but "better" I have no clue about that.

God,
I know you've died for me on Calvery. I know that you have a plan for this life of mine. I admit to you that my heart is filthy, wicked, and so sinful. God I just want You to be near. Please, hold me tonight. Come and shine your light...."Your light will shine when all else fails." Make your Son's blood become more than reality. Let me fall in love with You once again. Bring yourself glory in the midst of everything you are putting into my life. Give me strength in the struggle, and help me to learn how to fight these battles. I want to be the warrior that You have called me to be. Let me be a light for your nations. Come close, and hold my heart?
Desperite for You,
Amen.

Lord, let your glory fall.

I am starting to wake up from this blur, and realize that this IS my life. This IS exactly where I am suppose to be. I am honored by that. The Lord is putting me exactly in the places that I need to be in, with the people I need to minister to, with Him always by my side.

I felt for so long like I was such a failure. I felt like the last thing I was doing was giving my God the glory in everything I do. Here, I am facing things and struggling with things that I've never really had a problem with. Having to realize that the Lord is telling me to do, or not to do things for HIS glory, and for the purposes that He already has planned. I haven't lived up to exactly what He wants me to do, and I've shed more than a few tears over how tight my clothes are.

But the one thing I keep learning is that my God thinks I am beautiful, smart, and He IS going to use me here. I have confidence in that. I have confidence that the Lord has a purpose for my heart here in this country, but not only for me to learn. He also calls me to action. You never learn something in school, and then don't have homework on it the same night, and sometimes for the whole week or so. Basically until the "theme" is done. Here, it's the same concept. My God is starting to open up doors to minister to these beautiful people: my classmates. my friends. my peers. my family. my other family back home. people that I just meet on the street. the homeless. I am testifying now that I want to make God proud of me, everyone else just doesn't matter any more.

It's flattering to make other people proud, but this is my God; To Him, I am His BELOVED, His Daughter, His Darling, His pride and joy. I want to make Him proud.


I have a new situation that I ask for prayer for as I go about talking to a girl here about my beliefs and why I do or don't do in the things I do or, again, don't do. The Lord has seriously flung doors right open. So glorious.


Bring yourself glory here in this city. In this country. Burn your fire through here. Leave an everlasting impression on this place. God, I don't want to go back to the States until you've finished you purpose for me here at home. Take away my fears, put German words in my mouth, let me speak with clearity. I ask for wisdom. Provide your ministry here in this place. I thank you for the church you've given me, the fellow believers, the family, the friends, and this life. I praise you for letting me live my dream. Put that radical in me. Loving on this city! Amen.


"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Caleely of Achor a door of hope. There she will respnmd as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up of our Egypt." -Hosea 2:14-15

Five Hours of Sleep, Seven Hours of School, and Six More Hours of Only Doing Homework.

...and people wonder why I stay so sick!

So today I woke up totally exhausted just from the weekend, and just finally starting to really get over this cold or whatever the heck it is. I get up, excited that I will once again be able to go to school. And that is when it all began.

It started out as a normal day. After getting ready for school, I went to stairs to meet the family for breakfast. We ate, and then sad our good-byes, with Doris giving us all a great goodluck wish for the beginning of our week. Rolf, Maike, and I start for the car, like every school/work day, and make it there totally fine. We get into the car, and start on our journey for the beginning of November when all of the sudden we hear from the back seat, "I forgot my folder."

Maike had a presentation today, and it was in THAT folder nonetheless. So, we decide that we have enough time, and turn around. Maike quickly runs to the house, unlocks the door, and then goes inside frantically looking for her beloved, and much needed folder.

In the mean time, Rolf and I attend to talking a little bit of small talk while we sat in the car waiting "paitently" for Maike to return to us. Out of no where comes this dart of black, which of course would be none other than the notorious, JULIA, our dog. I jump out of the car, after first safely opening the door, but I was not quick enough. Sadly, Julia was gone. It is sure a good thing that we have a Doris, who did not have to go to work today, so she got Julia, and we left once again to start our day.

Once Maike and I arrive to the school we naturally start talking about how today is just so crazy, and it has just begun. Then my backpack, which might I add was COMPLETELY zipped, just opened up on its own as we were walking to the school building.

"Maike," I said a bit astonished that one more thing could happen, "my backpack is open."
"Yeah, all the pocket are undone. I will fix it," she said in reply.

We both decided that once again today would be a weird day.


So I go to first and second period, Politic, and nothing really happens. Just kind of chilled through the day, until I got to Math and had to do lovely graphs. Here they use compasses and geotriags for pretty much everything in Math, both of which I do not what-so-ever know how to use. When the class and teacher found out I did not know how to work such contraptions, we had a good five to seven minute lecture about how the Germans knew something the Americans did not....as if I am not in the room?

And then after that, I wonderful couple of girls taught me how these two things functioned. (Now it is really not as hard as you might think to draw a perfect circle graph by hand!)

Then it was off to German class where I got my test back. It had more read ink than blue, and we will leave German class with that. Lunch was not anything so special. Just the German kids talking about different American tv shows that I should watch. I found it just a little bit funny.

Then Biology, oh, Biology.... The class was not so bad, but after, now there is where the story begins. So I was sick last week, as most of you know, so I did not receive my grade for the first quarter of the year. I stay after class as requested with another girl, and received the following for a grade.

"You are too quiet. I speak very good English, answer in English when you need to, but answer something. (Every response I said back was IN GERMAN.) And, Michelle, you are sick way too much. Why?"

"Uh... that is a question I really want answered myself. No idea."

"You just cannot miss this much school. Well what do you have?"

"Again I am really not sure. A cold or something close to it. You know, migrans, upset stomach, sore throat, runny nose, stopped up sinuses, and this past time, I threw up. I am just simply exhausted by the end of it all, and so I just sleep. There is no chance of getting out of bed, and I seriously just sleep it off."

"Well, are you pregnant?"

I finished out today, by doing homework up until I wrote this blog. It is almost midnight, and now I am going to bed. I hope you enjoyed today! Praise God for his humor! :)