Resting in the Oasis.

"JESUS answered, 'Everyone who drinks this (well) water will be thirsty again, but those who drink the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.'" -John 4: 13-14

The long tension of confusion and fear finally did me in last night. After an absolutely wonderful day with my host family full of laughter and stories of Maike's first years. But still there was something missing, and that something was deep in my heart. Was missing, and there was a confusion like I can't describe.

After realizing that there was something spiritually really going on in my head and heart, I decided to call people that have had huge spiritual influence in my life. And I continued to call people until the third one timidly answered his phone. (The out of country numbers are pretty intimidating.) None the less, I was able to cut up with him for a minute, and catch up, and have a good time, but still, being the person he is, he realized that something was up, and began to ask questions. It didn't take long until I had poured my guts out with huge tears and imperfect English.

My loving brother and mentor of so many years in Christ, openly told me that I was just believing so many lies from the enemy. Lies that make no sense. Blunt, bold faced lies. Lies that my God doesn't love me. That if I sin I can't pray. Lies that have caused heart-wrenching pain, along with confusion in what I stand for as a person. And I just had to get it out. Not only did my brother tell me the load of lies that I was believing; he also prayed over me, and spoke a word over my life that came directly from my God, my Father, my Savior:

"Michelle, I am so proud of you, and I love you tremendously. I need you to relax, and just trust me. You won't understand what I am doing, and you won't figure it out. Just trust me."


I began to feel an overwhelming peace that came across my body and heard, "The peace you feel is me wrapping you like a baby up in my arms. Just trust me. I haven't left you, even though you feel alone. You are making a difference for my kingdom in Germany, Michelle. Just trust me."

At the end of the conversation my mentor told me, "Baby girl, you're in a desert, but tonight you just experienced an oasis. Your God knows you can't go another step, and he's just going to sit down and rest with you tonight. You're not done in this desert, but don't forget that this is preparing you for what's next to come. Something you don't know, but in some way, will be used."

Even though there's a little negative side to the reality in this story, that I am in the desert desperate for water, shade, and rest, I'm ready to continue the journey. Ready to see that I will come out of this desert alive in one peace because I serve a faithful, righteous, and holy God. My heart is overjoyed with the love of my Savior who knows when I just can't go any more. Who is the breath of my life.

Resting in my oasis,
-Michelle

"Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit and his worshiper must worship in the Spirit and in truth." John 4: 23-24

Imperfect Perfection.

So I am sitting here after a long, but wonderful weekend. I went to dinner at a friend from the family's, and Annette, my goodness can that woman cook! She did an amazing job. (: And then yesterday I spent time with the Mama Doris in the garden, and helped plant, and arrange the flowers until we had expected yet unexpected guests come by. Erika and her husband are very good friends of Doris's, and we all got together for coffee and cake, and just catching up and enjoying ourselves. After the cake, I of course went running. As if that really helped! Last night, Opa and Rolf and I went to the circus where I just felt like a little kid again... I really did enjoy myself. It might have been that that was only my second circus ever, but man was it cool!

This weekend has also been filled with blank thinking moments, where I just can't help but try to figure out why I am a ball of emotions. I know that this will take many of you by surprise, and some of you, will just sit there and think, "she is JUST NOW seeing that?!" But I've realized that I am scared of messing up, of making mistakes, disappointing the people I love. Scared doesn't even hit the emotions. It's honestly terror. I don't say that lightly either. This terror tears through me, and makes me think a hundred and twenty-seven thousand times over one subject. And this terror persuades my decisions every time.

This is a terror with real tears, and worries. With sleepless nights and long periods of thinking. One that will probably control the rest of my life. I think "if this gets back to the states...", or "but what if...", or "they would think...", or "if I did, then they will think/hate..." My heart aches from this, and the thing I hate the most is I'm terrified to tell that to someone. To say, "I want to be perfect for you, but I can't." I really don't know where this mind-set of trying to be the newest form of perfection came from, but I sure do know that nothing in me will ever be it. And in spite of knowing those(these) facts, I still stress myself out, and worry myself with these thoughts.

My heart is scared again for change once again. Shocking probably for many of you once again. Change is my middle name. "Bold and ready for change" has been my slogan for so long, and now "Timid and Terrified" has taken it's place. But this change is coming, whether I am ready or not.

Glad to get this out.
-Michelle

It's Like Days Are Just Flying By...

And honestly, I know that I say this a lot, but I am just seriously not ready for this chapter of my story to be over. I'm selfish. Blah. Blah. Blah. I know that you guys don't want to hear or read that I'm not ready to come home. Sometimes it's hard to be honest and real on here because I don't want to offend you guys back home. Don't get me wrong the second I get on the plane to go home, I will probably be so excited. And I am ready to hug a few people, and meet the newest members of my family, who are now half grown... okay that's a little exaggeration, but still they won't be the tiny babies they were.

Some of me still has a feeling that I am going to just be the "world traveler" of my family. I hope that I will be able to say that I am going to go where ever God tells me to go, but I have no clue where that is. I was listening to a podcast from Louie Gigliou and the Passion Church, and he said something about going where ever in the world God calls you, and that sometimes God's story for us is a raging river with waves that knock us out of our rafts, but that God will pick us up.... Something in that whole symbolic picture of God comforts me. Even when it's been a really long time since I've sat down and read my word.

He went on to say that God is "longing to take his children back." Something that I believe. That God still has a purpose for his children, which really made me think... "God still called me to this placed, a place that I adore. I am scared of what's next...but what's next doesn't come for a few months, and I'm excited that He's getting my attention again." Really He's never lost it... I guess all that I am trying to say in this whole blog is that I am terrified about where and what God will call me too, but then when I think about where I am and how I got here.... there's a comfort and peace that calms me down more than anyone else's words or opinions can. And I feel that some where in this chapter of my life, but story of God's, that he's preparing my heart to find my person deep down beliefs for myself. Even when opinions fly, that I will know who I am, and whose I am.

"Ich gehore zu dir, aber ich bin mich gar nicht sicher was das bedeutet."
Hanging on, and hoping that I will make a difference in this life.
-Michelle

Scream your heart out.

I had a great time in Langeoog this past week with my host family. Langeoog is a little island off the Northwestern coast of Germany in the North Sea, and it's dang stinking cold. No cars are allowed, and every one greets one another with "moin." I think I rode a bicycle more this past week than I have in my entire life, but it was so much fun just getting a chance to spend time with my family there. This is a memory that not many people will get to say they experienced in their life, and I am so honored for the privelage of getting to take part in another part of the German culture.

One morning I decided to go to the beach early while on Langeoog, and before I left I just felt an urge to take my Bible with me. Sadly, I decided against bringing it with me, and this particular morning I just felt that God had something to say to me about his redeeming love. (It's insane that over a year later I'm still hung up on this love concept. Even after a camp that I experienced in June of last year where God's love was so real and big to me. It still is a touchy subject.) Needless to say, my morning on the beach was a peaceful one. One where I just listened to the birds chirpping and the waves crashing, and heard some where in the whisper of the wind the scripture that says something to the effect of "if you don't sing my praises, the rocks of the earth will". Don't ask me for a refference, I don't know where it is. But I heard God's creation singing praises to their king.

I leave in four days to finish out my Spring Break 2010 to go to London with two very good friends from school. We are all very excited about seeing London, and just hanging out together. :)

"My life doesn't belong to Germany, but it doesn't belong to America either."
Searching for my place,
-Michelle