I have to say many times I have been discouraged, but never as discouraged as this week has left me, and when the going gets tough....I still have confidence in the Savior and lover of my soul. I have the confidence to say that I still love Him. And not only that, but that He is still moving in my life.
I haven't written this week partly out of being apathetic, and partly out of not having the time...and partly out of quite frankly being completely lazy. I'm not at all sorry for that. I'm not sorry that I am human, and that I get tired.
I wasn't in my Word this week as much as I would like, and I can say I have personally suffered the consquences. Every time I would open my Bible it would be over idols, and even in teeny it was about living only for the Lord. I knew that I had a problem because, honestly, I didn't want to be in my Word. I hated reading it because everytime that I did, it made me squirm like a little kid two years old who has to go to the bathroom really bad and can't hold it.
So a day that I had been counting down to for quite a few days was finally here, and was all that I hoped it would be. Well to a certain extent. Instead of being completely focussed on why the Lord has brought me here, I was focused on other things. And I got hit upside the head with the most famous question I have had this week which is, "Do you believe in God?" And the next one to follow, "Are you religious?"
After being asked if I believed in God yesterday, the lady looked me straight into the eye and told me, "I believe we came from monkeys." My heart was completely broken. And then I was asked if I believed in that "Adam and Eve" crap. I was really excited though because at this ladies house we were going to watch American television, and then I remembered why I stopped watching so much American television. It's absolutely filthy. I was discouraged by what I was seeing and hearing, how I was acting and coveting things I didn't need, and on top of that just how dark this country really is set into my heart and head.
Last night I think I cried myself to sleep for the better part of an hour. Even today I can say that I wanted to give up, and just throw my towel in. Not go home, but just not worry about why I was called to be here and that is to love every person I encounter. I have hated my calling, and tonight asked why this was my calling.
I woke up this morning and went to a church in Lage, where Caroline goes which is where i attend teeny also. It was a blessing. We were in Romans chapter 5 verse 18. Which shocklingly is about Jesus and Adam. Read it. It'll blow your mind. The pastor said, while looking directly at me, "When someone asks you what you believe in, you don't say Adam. He doesn't always provide you with what you need. But you say, Jesus." Of course this really touched my heart.
So then I was coming in the house when Rolf told me that I have a girl coming to visit me from the organization. The only girl that I knew was close was Kate, who is also a fellow believer in the Lord Jesus Christ. And sure enough I was cleaning my bathroom when I saw the car pull up, with my beautiful Kate sitting in the front seat. I was stunned.
So in the midst of absolute discouragement, not being able to contact people from home, and the like... God provided me with everything I needed. A morning of correction of what to say I believe in. A time of encouragement from a fellow believer in Christ that I have known longer than 3 weeks. And a time to get rid of my "idol".
Then after all of that, He still provided something great. People here who love me, and will let me cry and tell them that I just need to talk. Rolf mustered with everything he could, "I love you, Spunky." And honestly that is EXACTLY what I wanted to hear. I still wish it could have been from that knight in shining armor I call, Daddy. But you know, I know that my dad is always there for me. What I didn't know was that I have people here in Germany that love me too.
My calling is not in vain, and even though sometimes I feel as though I should give up. I shouldn't keep going, God proves me wrong. He gives me early birthday presents with lots of lessons inside. My calling is to go where ever the Lord leads me, and to love every person I come in contact with. I know that I will not ALWAYS be loved in return. I was never promised that, but what I have learned is God knows what we absolutley need. I needed love; verbal reasurrance that I could hear of love. And the Lord took care of that by giving me a Rolf and a Doris.
The Lord is good.
My name is Michelle Engelke, and Jesus Christ is my Savior. He satisfies my soul.
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