Realizations of myself.

I finally decided to start on my biggest assignment of the year, where my teachers here allowed me to write in English, which is a darn pitty because my English is a bit rusty. ( You'll be able to tell as you continue to read this, I am sure.) I wanted this to be a master piece to give to my teachers here, and I thought it really would be one. But I also thought this was going to be one of those easy
"this is what I did the two weeks I was interning at the school" essays, which by the way is completely false.

This is a folder of many different essays, including where my personal role was, how the kids/employers took my being there, there is one where I have to explain the entire school system, and how this particular school is run in comparision to other schools and so on. I am now working on something similar to a research paper that is also another part of this big assignment. Since I worked at a school, I decided to write about "Teaching Foreign Languages: The Earlier the Better", and I am very much interested in this subject. There are many fascinating articles, and interesting facts about the human mind, and how we as adults use to learn as children.

But here I am also learning many things about myself. I see that as an advanced student from America, how far behind as a student I am here. Maybe that is partly on a different system to blame, but maybe that also is to be blamed on myself. There are things that I should have and honestly could have asked for help in, such as Math. My Math skills here in Germany are very hindering to my education.

This thought that "grades don't matter for exchange students" doesn't help either because even when I want to understand, it makes no sense to ask for help because the grades don't matter in the end. This week I found out that I will not have to take my Math test, which is actually a bit unfair for many of the other students who also don't understand the subject.

But the thing that I see in myself, the thing that is good, is that I want to go back, and really sit down, and learn the things that in the past frustrated me. Things that I said were "too hard" and then gave up. I want to sit down, and learn how to study, and really apply myself to my school work. Not worship it, but really push myself to make an effort to catch myself up, and relearn things that I never "got".

I am ready for that challenge, and excited to sit down, and really learn how to learn.
Finding myself.
Michelle

The one day I sleep in late...is a day when I need to go to bed early!

Typical of me, I know. Not thinking through things before I do them. Well I went to a dance last night, and it was so neat just to be with friends, classmates, teachers, and parents, and watching how much fun, (and participating) everyone was having.

Now I am awaiting the chance to travel to St. Johann, Austria with the eighth graders at school to do some skiing, which would be the coolest thing next to going to London, England with two of my absolute favorite Germans that walk the earth. :) The coolest part though, is if everything works out, I will be gone starting Friday then come back about a week later, in time to wash clothes and pack again so that I can join my German Family on a trip to the North Sea(Nord See)... then to come back home in time to celebrate Easter with the family plus Oma and Opa. And then to head out for England. That's right! Practically three weeks vacation. :D

It seems like a year should be an excessive amount of time, which in perspective to a week, it is... but I'm telling you, it's not enough time at all to really see everything... that comes with being a citizen of a specific country. No different than no foreign exchange student could spend one week in every state of America in one year. That's just the way the cookie crumbles I guess.

Looks like when I make it back to "the home land" I will be visiting a doctor about removing my oversized tonsils. They are being dumb, and are causing me to have fever, sore throat, and all sorts of dumb ill rated problems. But once they are out, so I have heard, things start pointing upward.

Well, it is 2 til midnight, and I have school, and am curling Maike's hair early because I love spending girl time together with my sisters. So good night/day/morning from where ever you are reading. I'm signing out, and going to sleep.

"Oh lasset uns an beten den König."

What a great and gloriomyself us God we serve. I just want you to stop, and really take in who your God is. Please take time to stop reading this, and just realize who it is you serve. I can tell you know who my god has been the last few months. Myself. Facebook. Perfection. Laziness. Feeling sorry for myself. My friends.

My god became thinking of before others. I noticed that today in the doctor's office when the doctor decided to take a man, who had been waiting longer than myself, before me. The way I made others feel was the last thing on my mind. Making time for people that I love hanging out with, was the furthest from my mind. Why couldn't they ask me first?

I started deliberately spending time on facebook, and not on my homework. Today I went to school completely unprepared for the day. None of the correct folders, books, and I still thought tomorrow I had a class that I don't have until Friday.

Overwhelming thoughts that I can't live up to expectations, or make deadlines, or be a good daughter, friend, sister, or aunt became just that....: overwhelming. I stopped sleeping. My thoughts turned and turned, and all I would think about was how can I improve myself? How can I make me better than I am. Maybe I should be nicer here, or do more work in that class to make my teacher realize that I am not dumb. That I really do understand my homework, and that I enjoy his class. Unreachable expectations of making make parents proud, or of making making my friends know that I am still standing behind them 5,000 miles away. I wanted to be perfect, something that I will ever be. Something that I know, but something I still have trouble with.

My heart was filled with pitty from the fact that I hated, and still do, not being able to be perfect. I would be happy on the outside, but on the inside, I questioned why I couldn't be perfect, and why I had to be so ugly....not physically meant. Why couldn't people do what they were asking me to do? Where did my friends in the states go? I have no friends... and such crap.

My friends here have become my world. I make sure to have time for them, before for myself or for my Lord. I began to shut him out so that I could spend as much time with them as I could. (Don't take that the wrong way. Spending time with your friends, really isn't that bad. But it doesn't help if it's your whole life. Everything is in measurement.)

Then I talked to a great friend of mine who was up way past her bed time. But I feel like for a divine moment... to remind me that I am not alone, and that our God is here. But not only that... that she hasn't forgot about me, and I her neither. And then at the end before she pleaded for sleep, she told me, "I am praying that God would give you the desires of your heart."

"Desires of my heart," I thought. "What desires?" I had no clue what my heart longed for so badly until tonight. Until my God gave me the desires of my heart. Until he spoke his love over my heart, over my life. A friend of mine, just sent me an email. "Hey, I'm praying for you. Hope you're still enjoying yourself. I miss you. See you soon." My heart was just humbled that God would know that I NEED that. Exactly, hearing those things was what I needed. And then another good friend of mine that I was pretty evil to, sent me a reply to something I sent. Something I expected, with love and gentleness that I've never known. A love that can only come from my God. From the one screaming, "Michelle, I LOVE YOU!" And I heard it again tonight.

I heard it from these emails. From a gift from a friend. From a friend calling and saying I want to see you. It's been too long, let's go out on Wednesday. From God giving me the desires of my heart.... the ones I didn't even think of.

"May God give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed." Psalm 20:4

Praise the God of this universe, who gave me the gift of Germany... to realize who I am!

Ann boa lynn?

Sometimes I wonder what life will be like when I get back home because reality is: I'm not going back to the same life that I had. That's just the way it is. I am here in this place, and every one here has a story... that everyone knows. Like we all do in Southaven. It comes with having a little home town.

But it's like I wonder if things, friendships, and such are still there. I know some are... but then some of me has no clue what is going to come out of "coming home". Who will be there when I arrive on the 21st? Or will I even be able to say anything in English... that makes sense? Or will I be so sad?

This is the first time in my life that in my heart, I really have no desires. I don't know anything that my heart wants. It's like I can't think it through. Lie. I know what I want haha.

But really... I'll be back in church. I'll see people and meet people for the first time, and I'll start again at zero. (I mean that in the way that when I left the states I knew no one in Germany, and then I worked on meeting people and the language, and now things are rolling right along here in the big G-land. And I will have to do that again, but just in reverse for the states.)

I still love this place. It's still where I want to stay, there's just a voice in the back of my head reminding me that it's almost over, and life goes on. Time flies way to fast in my opinion. I have a fear of man.... I hope I fit in still when I get back to the states.

I'm beginning to see it in a different perspective.

I realized today that everything I do here is being watched, and filtered through by people here in Germany or in the States. Either way everyone knows, and there is no way of hiding who I am. Either I "shine" for the Lord, or I act like a pagen child. One way or another I will be remembered.

Crazy.

Mission: Failed.

I remember the excitement that I had as a Christ follower for the opportunity that God placed in my hands. I remember the drive and the goals that I set for myself, and one day I will be able to say I remember the day I decided to just live life.

At least I can say though that I am not going through the motions like I would in Southaven. I would continue to go to church, and give God lip service. Please know that I still believe in the One true and living God. My walk is just taking a look at absence right now. All of me wants to be praising the God of the Universe, and singing His praises. Irony in it all is that I do still sing love songs to the Lord. Most of the songs in my head are songs of who He is, and how His love brings us to such better places.

My biggest fear was that I would dissappoint my God and my family, and honestly, I'm not doing anything wrong. I am happy, and I am making friends, and spending time with my family, and getting to know what they like, what they don't, making time for them, and just having such a wonderful time here. But some where in there I have left out the my God sent me here to be His light. I look exactly like the German culture, and I am scared of coming back home to a Bible belt home.

To people who love, but to a culture that judges all that you do, or have done. I am no different. I use to do the same thing. I would look at those people who did this or that, and my heart would break, but my head would be talking them all up. Whether it is in my head, or it is in my heart, or out of my mouth it is still there, and it is still sin.

My calling is to love, and I just want to fulfill that with everything I have. My God said to me a long time ago, "You are to go and love the people where ever it is that I call you to go." And I do love these people, but I have no clue if I show them that. If they know that the love I have for them is a love that only Jesus Christ can give, and living and experiencing so much together. My heart longs to be in the will of my Lord, but I refuse to play in both worlds. I'm not going to just give Him lip service, when He calls for everything. I can't.

I would rather not give anything as to JUST give Him lip service. As I look at the fact that it's already February, my heart breaks. My time is almost up, and at the end of the time, I feel like I am going to hear, "Michelle Engelke: Mission Germany: Failed."

It's about living for the glory of Heavan, and the Kingdom. I'm not a bad person, and I don't buy alcohol illegally or do drugs, but I haven't showed any one into the Kingdom of the Lord, and for that I am broken. My fruits should show better than I have let them.

Living in Silence.
Michelle

Goals, again?

My goal this weekend is to go, and have fun with the people who have become so important to me, and the same ones who I have seen since August the 15, 2009! Crazy how time really does fly. We'll get to be together for 4 days, and these have been the 4 days that have really kept some of going one the bad days.

I just thought this would take so much longer to get here really. It just makes me realize how fast this year is, and how this really isn't enough time. But I have to keep the head up, and just realize this is the best thing and craziest thing I think I have ever done.

Decide to come to Germany that is. I'm in loveeeeeeeeee. :D