What a great and gloriomyself us God we serve. I just want you to stop, and really take in who your God is. Please take time to stop reading this, and just realize who it is you serve. I can tell you know who my god has been the last few months. Myself. Facebook. Perfection. Laziness. Feeling sorry for myself. My friends.
My god became thinking of before others. I noticed that today in the doctor's office when the doctor decided to take a man, who had been waiting longer than myself, before me. The way I made others feel was the last thing on my mind. Making time for people that I love hanging out with, was the furthest from my mind. Why couldn't they ask me first?
I started deliberately spending time on facebook, and not on my homework. Today I went to school completely unprepared for the day. None of the correct folders, books, and I still thought tomorrow I had a class that I don't have until Friday.
Overwhelming thoughts that I can't live up to expectations, or make deadlines, or be a good daughter, friend, sister, or aunt became just that....: overwhelming. I stopped sleeping. My thoughts turned and turned, and all I would think about was how can I improve myself? How can I make me better than I am. Maybe I should be nicer here, or do more work in that class to make my teacher realize that I am not dumb. That I really do understand my homework, and that I enjoy his class. Unreachable expectations of making make parents proud, or of making making my friends know that I am still standing behind them 5,000 miles away. I wanted to be perfect, something that I will ever be. Something that I know, but something I still have trouble with.
My heart was filled with pitty from the fact that I hated, and still do, not being able to be perfect. I would be happy on the outside, but on the inside, I questioned why I couldn't be perfect, and why I had to be so ugly....not physically meant. Why couldn't people do what they were asking me to do? Where did my friends in the states go? I have no friends... and such crap.
My friends here have become my world. I make sure to have time for them, before for myself or for my Lord. I began to shut him out so that I could spend as much time with them as I could. (Don't take that the wrong way. Spending time with your friends, really isn't that bad. But it doesn't help if it's your whole life. Everything is in measurement.)
Then I talked to a great friend of mine who was up way past her bed time. But I feel like for a divine moment... to remind me that I am not alone, and that our God is here. But not only that... that she hasn't forgot about me, and I her neither. And then at the end before she pleaded for sleep, she told me, "I am praying that God would give you the desires of your heart."
"Desires of my heart," I thought. "What desires?" I had no clue what my heart longed for so badly until tonight. Until my God gave me the desires of my heart. Until he spoke his love over my heart, over my life. A friend of mine, just sent me an email. "Hey, I'm praying for you. Hope you're still enjoying yourself. I miss you. See you soon." My heart was just humbled that God would know that I NEED that. Exactly, hearing those things was what I needed. And then another good friend of mine that I was pretty evil to, sent me a reply to something I sent. Something I expected, with love and gentleness that I've never known. A love that can only come from my God. From the one screaming, "Michelle, I LOVE YOU!" And I heard it again tonight.
I heard it from these emails. From a gift from a friend. From a friend calling and saying I want to see you. It's been too long, let's go out on Wednesday. From God giving me the desires of my heart.... the ones I didn't even think of.
"May God give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed." Psalm 20:4
Praise the God of this universe, who gave me the gift of Germany... to realize who I am!
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