Imperfect Perfection.

So I am sitting here after a long, but wonderful weekend. I went to dinner at a friend from the family's, and Annette, my goodness can that woman cook! She did an amazing job. (: And then yesterday I spent time with the Mama Doris in the garden, and helped plant, and arrange the flowers until we had expected yet unexpected guests come by. Erika and her husband are very good friends of Doris's, and we all got together for coffee and cake, and just catching up and enjoying ourselves. After the cake, I of course went running. As if that really helped! Last night, Opa and Rolf and I went to the circus where I just felt like a little kid again... I really did enjoy myself. It might have been that that was only my second circus ever, but man was it cool!

This weekend has also been filled with blank thinking moments, where I just can't help but try to figure out why I am a ball of emotions. I know that this will take many of you by surprise, and some of you, will just sit there and think, "she is JUST NOW seeing that?!" But I've realized that I am scared of messing up, of making mistakes, disappointing the people I love. Scared doesn't even hit the emotions. It's honestly terror. I don't say that lightly either. This terror tears through me, and makes me think a hundred and twenty-seven thousand times over one subject. And this terror persuades my decisions every time.

This is a terror with real tears, and worries. With sleepless nights and long periods of thinking. One that will probably control the rest of my life. I think "if this gets back to the states...", or "but what if...", or "they would think...", or "if I did, then they will think/hate..." My heart aches from this, and the thing I hate the most is I'm terrified to tell that to someone. To say, "I want to be perfect for you, but I can't." I really don't know where this mind-set of trying to be the newest form of perfection came from, but I sure do know that nothing in me will ever be it. And in spite of knowing those(these) facts, I still stress myself out, and worry myself with these thoughts.

My heart is scared again for change once again. Shocking probably for many of you once again. Change is my middle name. "Bold and ready for change" has been my slogan for so long, and now "Timid and Terrified" has taken it's place. But this change is coming, whether I am ready or not.

Glad to get this out.
-Michelle