I am really not sure when it happened, or how it happened really, but it's true.... I am falling in love. God has taken the broken mess I was, and is putting all my pieces back together. But what I am realizing is that before he could take and put my pieces back together, He had to break me and my heart, take out the parts of me that were cold, hard, and unmoved, and then He had to craft new pieces of my heart. He had to put new desires in it. He had to fill it with his love, his grace, vulnerability, compassion, and willingness to keep pushing forward in HIS name.
As I began this journey, I heard a voice saying to me that He had plans for me, plans for this year. (Jer. 33:11) He told me through simple songs that He could take care of the heartbreak, of the pain, of the journey to get to a new place as a person. I remember sitting there on a snow day in Southaven, right after a friend and I arrived at a sister church of ours for Sunday morning service. Then and there, my heart was beginning to be romanced. The worship team began to sing, "Nothing is impossible for you. Nothing is impossible for you. Nothing is impossible for you. Nothing is impossible for you...You hold the world in your hands." My heart was given hope that if it was His will for my life, I would be in Germany this year.
I was sitting in my room late one like, a little like tonight, and I was reading through Hosea, where the Lord just blasted 2:14-15, "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards and will make the Calley of Achor a door of hope. There she will respond as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt." God told me, "Michelle, I am going to give you your heart back."
God is continuing to give me promises. I am going back through Nehemiah right now, and honestly, I don't remember the story...which I have read in the past 5 months, I know that just from a pen, written on the pages of Nehemiah, that I got right before I left. But I read something I wrote in my margins of chapter three, " When you read this, they are rebuilding walls that have been torn down, but they are doing it a little bit at a time. God is rebuilding me a little bit at a time." (8/11/09) It goes on to say, " 35 different repairs are made in just chapter three alone." And my last note hit me really good, "Not only did it take time, but it took many people."
The Lord is going to give me my heart back a little bit at a time. But God isn't a fast pase God all the time. Some times it takes weeks, months, or years to see what it is He does in your life. This whole journey for me started in 2008, and now we are thankfully living in 2010.
After a night of bringing in the New Year with good friends, and lots of brownies, and good food, I got to sleep and wake up to an amazing day, where God's promises where fulfilled. I was standing in the living room of an amazing young lady her. We were listening to music, and I think she left the room for a minute or two, and in the mean time, I just stood at the window and watched huge snowflakes hit the already frozen early morning snow. Just watched it continue to come and come and come. Then, out of no where, I heard a familiar voice just say to me, "Michelle, I told you I was going to give you back your heart this year. I love you."
The thought that my God is my Romancer, is honestly something I never thought I would comprehend. I still don't comprehend it so well now, but I sure do know that my God is, "holding my heart." Showing me that I can trust him, that he fulfills his promises, and brings joy even when somethings He calls us to, are exactly the hardest thing to do.
I am looking forward to seeing what 2010 brings. Hopefully a year full of new things. A year full of God's lessons. I mean everyone hopes for a good year; a joyful year, right? I do too, but I will continue to know that my God is trustworthy, my God is Holy, my God is Love even if my year turns to poo. My God has shown me that.
Yeah, getting prayer answered with, "do you trust me?" gets really annoying sometimes, but those are the answers that push us to keep walking in His ways. My God is a beautiful Romancer. He can speak to me with words that blow my mind. Hold me with his tender arms, and rebuke me. He is who I want to please in this life.
Word of the day: Wait: to be content with uncontentness
I am Michelle Engelke the beloved of Jesus Christ.
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