Tell me how can you sleep?

How can you breathe? Baby, tell me how you love me now. Tell me how can you sleep? How can you breathe? I hate how you say you love me now. Woah Wo... a..oh.. :)


I know that people told me this would be the best thing of my life, but some times I forget that they also said it would be hard. This is just one of those nights where I am sitting here thinking, which is never good. Questions keep tossing and turning in my head, and it's like I know that it's dumb and I do want this, but tonight I just keep asking if this is really what I wanted?

Am I really strong enough for this place? I really don't see that I will EVER be "strong" enough for this place, and distance from my God has never been so far. Everything in me is bound to make it through this year, and become someone new. Become and new woman, ready to know exactly what I want to live in this life, and whom for. I already know part of that sentence. Jesus.

But then I think I could be safe and sound in my bed in the states. I could be living a normal "senior year" this year, and seeing if things would work out with the people I miss the most. I hate that I miss some so much, might I add. But it seems like you never realize the ones you'll really miss until you're gone. So it that in life, huh?

I just want this year to mean something; to matter at the end of the day. I want it to be something that at the end, I say, "Look at what you have accomplished." But NOT just that... but I want to hear, "Look what I have accomplished in your life, character, and who you are." from my Lord. My goal at the end of the day countines to be to make my God proud, even if I "stick out like a sore thumb."

But can I ask you a question? Of course other than the previous sentence. How much would you endure for the glory of your God? I don't want any of those stupid, and yes i said STUPID, (get over it) sunday school answers. I'm sick of those "right" answers. I want honest answers. How far would you go for the God you serve?

Do you really believe all the promises that His Word says? That He'll never leave you? That you're going to make it through the next storm? That you're going to become stronger at the end of everything that you're living right now? Do you really believe that He died for you, and paid all your sins at the cross, and that all you have to do is say "God, I need your Son's blood to cover my life, my heart." To say that no matter what happens, no matter where you lead me, and what trails and tests I fail, I am still going to pick myself up, and say, "I am yours; You are mine.... I give my life away, and leave it all behind" to give you more glory.

Honestly, I am seeing that my "faith" was nothing more than listening and doing exactly what people said. This life is HARD. There is nothing easy about loving people who think totally differently about this life. Do I really believe all His promises? I can't say that I honestly do, but wait. I do believe. I do. But somewhere in this I've forgotten what it is that my Lord really has done for me. What His word says; That He is always here. He's not leaving, and His ways are guided for me.

Do I always think I am going to make it out of my struggles? Absolutely not. I look at things here, and I think all the time that I am seeing the wicked and disgusting sinful nature of myself. I will take on Paul for that "worst of all sinners" place. My heart is filthy.

He'll never leave you? I've never felt so alone. He's here; I know He is, I just can't seem to find Him. I've lost Him in this crowd; His voice is so hard to hear. I just need to hear His voice one again, I need Him to hold me again. I need His touch. I need Him, but I know He is here. I've just got to keep calling His name, or listen harder for Him to call mine.

Sometimes, it's like the storm never ends, and I don't think my heart will ever be whole. I feel like the tree blowing around in the wind. Whipping and binding, praying that my roots are strong enough to withstand this life. I know I'll be different, but "better" I have no clue about that.

God,
I know you've died for me on Calvery. I know that you have a plan for this life of mine. I admit to you that my heart is filthy, wicked, and so sinful. God I just want You to be near. Please, hold me tonight. Come and shine your light...."Your light will shine when all else fails." Make your Son's blood become more than reality. Let me fall in love with You once again. Bring yourself glory in the midst of everything you are putting into my life. Give me strength in the struggle, and help me to learn how to fight these battles. I want to be the warrior that You have called me to be. Let me be a light for your nations. Come close, and hold my heart?
Desperite for You,
Amen.