I have just recently started helping in the German II class at my school, and I am thoroughly enjoying myself and the funny questions I get from my peers. I know that most of you know that I have my days of being a little homesick from Germany... today has been one of those days.
It's been a while since I've talked to many of the people I use to see and talk to daily. As I said when I was there, "It's just too hard to talk when you're so many time zones apart." There is a slight truth in that statement, but in all honesty, it comes down to the desire and will the person or person(s) has.
I miss Germany and the German people that I called friends and even some that were as close as my own family. There is one thing that doesn't make complete sense to me: If I was given Germany as such a wonderful time in my life, why do I not have the contact to people that I deeply desire? Life goes on is such a simple resolution to that, but it is deep and I don't think I truly understood the word "miss" until I came home to America, and I truly, deeply missed people, ways of life, places, and such. I still don't feel like I am home.
"Ja, ich weiß es ne geile Zeit und es tut mir Leid, es ist vorbei.... es ist vorbei.... es ist vorbei..."
I was sitting here tonight looking through my planner last year so that I could find some addresses to send people Christmas cards. I can't believe how fast time flies, and how fast it seems people stop having time for you. I'm not one to blame. I have time for no one really, not even for myself. I catch myself wishing some of you people were around from Germany from time to time simply because I feel like you are my friends through it all. I know that I have people here, but I can't help but to be so synical.
I have no excuse for this synicalness at all. I have a wonderful family, an amazing boyfriend, and school is almost over. The friends I have here are all I have ever asked for and more. I don't know why I am so bahumbug these days. It's not even Christmas that makes me that way... it's Southaven, I think.
There will be another move shortly to come. I've decided on a little school to go to in Kentucky, which I feel will benefit me on my journey towards what I felt I was called to a long time ago. I'm still not where I thought I would be by now emotionally or spiritually. I'm almost depressed by the person that I am not.... this girl who once was there is, well, gone, and I've tried and tried to be her, but I can't seem to find her anymore. I think it's time to leave her be...to maybe even let her go, and to move forward in this life. Forward with the people whom I love, and who I know love me.
I've been home (or will have been home in two hours) for four weeks today. I guess the theme of my life right now is really how fast time flies! It's like it just doesn't let up for two seconds. Constantly ticking away, and yet dragging on and on... taking my heart through the deepest pain I think I have ever known.
I never thought that when I left for Germany that I know a love for people of a new place, with a different culture and customs, but I did. I fell in love with the way they treated me, and the thought that I belonged to a certain group of friends. I had the gorgeous boyfriend, the awesome group of friends, and we enjoyed our times together. The pain didn't come in meeting them, though. It came in the realization that I only had a certain number of days left with them. That's when the pain started. Not seeing and talking to them daily, or really being there...
Today, though, there is a new pain. A pain of not being able to see them. Knowing that there are seven hours between us at all times. Being broken because in a sense that aspect of my life, the one that I truly adored, is over. Over in the preivous sentence is used more as the verb gone. Like when someone dies, they are gone. That's the feeling I have. A feeling that I can never get them... or him back. A feeling that makes me sick.
I'm not sure how to explain my state of mind with anyone, but that's the best I can do. I fell in love not just with a person, but also with a community. A place that became my home. Where people knew when I was upset, and came looking for me on those bathroom toliets at school because they'd knew where I'd be.
They knew me. They loved me, even though they knew me. They held me. They listened to me. They taught me. And tutored me. They loved me.
And leaving them, and the place I love is my rock bottom. A place of mourning. A place of trying to fit in, and not succeeding like I have once done. A place of uncertainity. Of wanting to be back "home".
When I think about things that make me happy. I love relationships. You know the ones that really mean something to you. I remember riding around with my mom, helping her get some things from one store to the other, and I told her after mentioning meeting some people, "I just don't think they realize, I don't just meet people. I take these kinds of relationships seriously." And thinking about it.... I really do.
And when it's asked, "What do you want to do with your life?" The only answer that keeps coming to mind is, "Impact and love." I want to make an impact on the lives that I meet, on the people I befriend, and the relationships in my life. And I want to do that through love.
That's no career choice, and that answers absolutely NONE of the questions that I keep asking myself. But at the same time if I can do that throughout my whole life, impact and love that is, then I'm happy. I'm okay with that.
I know. I know. I should be thinking about what God wants for my life. I have no excuses to say to that, and I won't even start. They won't be good. But I do know that I want to impact and love no matter what.
I was told once that I should be a philosopher because I ask so many questions. My heart is so heavy with just the desire to know what, where, when, why, and how. I mean, we are taught to pick out the five important questions in every passage that we read, to think critically, and choose our decisions wisely all throughout our high school careers.
But in church we are taught not to ask those questions really. I mean a little... to think critically..yeah, and to make wise decisions of course! But the what, where, when, why, and how... we are kind of taught to throw those out of the window. To just "go where God is calling us", to "trust in Him alone".
I apologize now that my thoughts are so twisted. I seem to be lost in America, with the decisions that I really should be making, that can change the out come of the rest of my life. To be honest, the thought of really making those decisions scares the living mess out of me. I left a seventeen year old little girl, and came back an eighteen year old "adult".... but as an "adult" speaking, I don't know what I want. Where I want to go, why I want to go there, when I want to get there, or how I want to succeed in doing it. I have no clue. None what so ever, and I have know clue where this journey is taking me.
I feel a little lost, swimming in the deep end without my floaties. I miss when I could show off and stand on my knees in the shallow end, and still have my head above water. I want to put the lessons of schredding water to use, but in the midst of all of the thoughts, I have forgotten the way it goes... how to get started.
