I was told once that I should be a philosopher because I ask so many questions. My heart is so heavy with just the desire to know what, where, when, why, and how. I mean, we are taught to pick out the five important questions in every passage that we read, to think critically, and choose our decisions wisely all throughout our high school careers.
But in church we are taught not to ask those questions really. I mean a little... to think critically..yeah, and to make wise decisions of course! But the what, where, when, why, and how... we are kind of taught to throw those out of the window. To just "go where God is calling us", to "trust in Him alone".
I apologize now that my thoughts are so twisted. I seem to be lost in America, with the decisions that I really should be making, that can change the out come of the rest of my life. To be honest, the thought of really making those decisions scares the living mess out of me. I left a seventeen year old little girl, and came back an eighteen year old "adult".... but as an "adult" speaking, I don't know what I want. Where I want to go, why I want to go there, when I want to get there, or how I want to succeed in doing it. I have no clue. None what so ever, and I have know clue where this journey is taking me.
I feel a little lost, swimming in the deep end without my floaties. I miss when I could show off and stand on my knees in the shallow end, and still have my head above water. I want to put the lessons of schredding water to use, but in the midst of all of the thoughts, I have forgotten the way it goes... how to get started.
i would just like to say that i dont think you leaving the country for a year had that much of an effect on the fact that this is happening, this seeming to be lost in America, with the decision that you really should be making, that can change the outcome fo the rest of your life, etc. that comes with the steps into maturity. im not speaking out of experience, unless you count me currently living in that state of having to make life decisions experience. i remember when a really important person in my life, one of my best friends, told me when they were helping me when i was struggling to keep my head above water: "we're all in this together." so just remember, you're not alone.
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