An awkward account.

I've been wanting to run into you for quite some time, you know, just a casual, " hi how are you?" kind of run in. But today when it finally happened, I realized that the sarcasm in your face and on your lips would never be the same as the days we use to spend together. The words we spoke today were the first in quite some time. Something like six months or so... how can people go from such a personal relationship to something so distant and cold? A relationship that use to be filled with laughing and dancing and singing has now only been replaced with confusion, bitterness, and a small sense of hatred. How can something like that be? You will soon be two years older than the day I met you, and now I don't have the slightest clue about you. Some how, even through the muck, the bitterness, the "unfinished business", there is still a connection: One between you and me...a history....

My heart is broken because of the way things have turned out. You and I, we well we'll never be close... not again. It's feels like something, some where deep inside, has almost died. Like something is missing. Life has many reasons for the things that happen in it, and sometimes it's simply because there needs to be distance. Maybe we just need to have some kind of distance, but how long can two people, who lived together for a year, who became family... how long can there be distance? How long can the broken memories be there? Your accent is almost gone in English, and I wonder if you understand things... deep things in English.

Things were obviously never meant to be that we would keep contact to each other. You'll be sixteen soon... so happy early birthday. "I wish you well," as has been said so many other times. I hope you love Southaven as much as I love Lage, with the exception, that I hope you not only want to come back and visit... but have people to come see. I hope you get the chance to come back, the chance to love something...somewhere more than words. I really do wish you the best.

Michelle

"Missing someone is the hardest part."

I have just recently started helping in the German II class at my school, and I am thoroughly enjoying myself and the funny questions I get from my peers. I know that most of you know that I have my days of being a little homesick from Germany... today has been one of those days.

It's been a while since I've talked to many of the people I use to see and talk to daily. As I said when I was there, "It's just too hard to talk when you're so many time zones apart." There is a slight truth in that statement, but in all honesty, it comes down to the desire and will the person or person(s) has.

I miss Germany and the German people that I called friends and even some that were as close as my own family. There is one thing that doesn't make complete sense to me: If I was given Germany as such a wonderful time in my life, why do I not have the contact to people that I deeply desire? Life goes on is such a simple resolution to that, but it is deep and I don't think I truly understood the word "miss" until I came home to America, and I truly, deeply missed people, ways of life, places, and such. I still don't feel like I am home.

"Ja, ich weiß es ne geile Zeit und es tut mir Leid, es ist vorbei.... es ist vorbei.... es ist vorbei..."

Six months later, a new life!

I was sitting here tonight looking through my planner last year so that I could find some addresses to send people Christmas cards. I can't believe how fast time flies, and how fast it seems people stop having time for you. I'm not one to blame. I have time for no one really, not even for myself. I catch myself wishing some of you people were around from Germany from time to time simply because I feel like you are my friends through it all. I know that I have people here, but I can't help but to be so synical.

I have no excuse for this synicalness at all. I have a wonderful family, an amazing boyfriend, and school is almost over. The friends I have here are all I have ever asked for and more. I don't know why I am so bahumbug these days. It's not even Christmas that makes me that way... it's Southaven, I think.

There will be another move shortly to come. I've decided on a little school to go to in Kentucky, which I feel will benefit me on my journey towards what I felt I was called to a long time ago. I'm still not where I thought I would be by now emotionally or spiritually. I'm almost depressed by the person that I am not.... this girl who once was there is, well, gone, and I've tried and tried to be her, but I can't seem to find her anymore. I think it's time to leave her be...to maybe even let her go, and to move forward in this life. Forward with the people whom I love, and who I know love me.

I miss this blog.
I enjoy getting this all out.

Bye.

Time to move back to journeling.

Love you guys. ;)

It's a fairly simple concept.

My heart hurts.
I want to move on.
But my heart hurts.

It's days like these when things were supposed to be,
but now aren't... That hurt the worst. A pain that is not
describable.

Broken is NOT beautiful.

I've been home (or will have been home in two hours) for four weeks today. I guess the theme of my life right now is really how fast time flies! It's like it just doesn't let up for two seconds. Constantly ticking away, and yet dragging on and on... taking my heart through the deepest pain I think I have ever known.

I never thought that when I left for Germany that I know a love for people of a new place, with a different culture and customs, but I did. I fell in love with the way they treated me, and the thought that I belonged to a certain group of friends. I had the gorgeous boyfriend, the awesome group of friends, and we enjoyed our times together. The pain didn't come in meeting them, though. It came in the realization that I only had a certain number of days left with them. That's when the pain started. Not seeing and talking to them daily, or really being there...

Today, though, there is a new pain. A pain of not being able to see them. Knowing that there are seven hours between us at all times. Being broken because in a sense that aspect of my life, the one that I truly adored, is over. Over in the preivous sentence is used more as the verb gone. Like when someone dies, they are gone. That's the feeling I have. A feeling that I can never get them... or him back. A feeling that makes me sick.

I'm not sure how to explain my state of mind with anyone, but that's the best I can do. I fell in love not just with a person, but also with a community. A place that became my home. Where people knew when I was upset, and came looking for me on those bathroom toliets at school because they'd knew where I'd be.

They knew me. They loved me, even though they knew me. They held me. They listened to me. They taught me. And tutored me. They loved me.

And leaving them, and the place I love is my rock bottom. A place of mourning. A place of trying to fit in, and not succeeding like I have once done. A place of uncertainity. Of wanting to be back "home".

Impact & Love.

When I think about things that make me happy. I love relationships. You know the ones that really mean something to you. I remember riding around with my mom, helping her get some things from one store to the other, and I told her after mentioning meeting some people, "I just don't think they realize, I don't just meet people. I take these kinds of relationships seriously." And thinking about it.... I really do.

And when it's asked, "What do you want to do with your life?" The only answer that keeps coming to mind is, "Impact and love." I want to make an impact on the lives that I meet, on the people I befriend, and the relationships in my life. And I want to do that through love.

That's no career choice, and that answers absolutely NONE of the questions that I keep asking myself. But at the same time if I can do that throughout my whole life, impact and love that is, then I'm happy. I'm okay with that.

I know. I know. I should be thinking about what God wants for my life. I have no excuses to say to that, and I won't even start. They won't be good. But I do know that I want to impact and love no matter what.

Let's start this new adventure... (: