The Faith Journey.

An awkward account.

2011-04-14T23:55:00.003-05:00

I've been wanting to run into you for quite some time, you know, just a casual, " hi how are you?" kind of run in. But today when it finally happened, I realized that the sarcasm in your face and on your lips would never be the same as the days we use to spend together. The words we spoke today were the first in quite some time. Something like six months or so... how can people go from such a personal relationship to something so distant and cold? A relationship that use to be filled with laughing and dancing and singing has now only been replaced with confusion, bitterness, and a small sense of hatred. How can something like that be? You will soon be two years older than the day I met you, and now I don't have the slightest clue about you. Some how, even through the muck, the bitterness, the "unfinished business", there is still a connection: One between you and me...a history....

My heart is broken because of the way things have turned out. You and I, we well we'll never be close... not again. It's feels like something, some where deep inside, has almost died. Like something is missing. Life has many reasons for the things that happen in it, and sometimes it's simply because there needs to be distance. Maybe we just need to have some kind of distance, but how long can two people, who lived together for a year, who became family... how long can there be distance? How long can the broken memories be there? Your accent is almost gone in English, and I wonder if you understand things... deep things in English.

Things were obviously never meant to be that we would keep contact to each other. You'll be sixteen soon... so happy early birthday. "I wish you well," as has been said so many other times. I hope you love Southaven as much as I love Lage, with the exception, that I hope you not only want to come back and visit... but have people to come see. I hope you get the chance to come back, the chance to love something...somewhere more than words. I really do wish you the best.

Michelle

"Missing someone is the hardest part."

2011-01-13T19:45:00.003-06:00

I have just recently started helping in the German II class at my school, and I am thoroughly enjoying myself and the funny questions I get from my peers. I know that most of you know that I have my days of being a little homesick from Germany... today has been one of those days.

It's been a while since I've talked to many of the people I use to see and talk to daily. As I said when I was there, "It's just too hard to talk when you're so many time zones apart." There is a slight truth in that statement, but in all honesty, it comes down to the desire and will the person or person(s) has.

I miss Germany and the German people that I called friends and even some that were as close as my own family. There is one thing that doesn't make complete sense to me: If I was given Germany as such a wonderful time in my life, why do I not have the contact to people that I deeply desire? Life goes on is such a simple resolution to that, but it is deep and I don't think I truly understood the word "miss" until I came home to America, and I truly, deeply missed people, ways of life, places, and such. I still don't feel like I am home.

"Ja, ich weiß es ne geile Zeit und es tut mir Leid, es ist vorbei.... es ist vorbei.... es ist vorbei..."

Six months later, a new life!

2010-12-14T21:18:00.004-06:00

I was sitting here tonight looking through my planner last year so that I could find some addresses to send people Christmas cards. I can't believe how fast time flies, and how fast it seems people stop having time for you. I'm not one to blame. I have time for no one really, not even for myself. I catch myself wishing some of you people were around from Germany from time to time simply because I feel like you are my friends through it all. I know that I have people here, but I can't help but to be so synical.

I have no excuse for this synicalness at all. I have a wonderful family, an amazing boyfriend, and school is almost over. The friends I have here are all I have ever asked for and more. I don't know why I am so bahumbug these days. It's not even Christmas that makes me that way... it's Southaven, I think.

There will be another move shortly to come. I've decided on a little school to go to in Kentucky, which I feel will benefit me on my journey towards what I felt I was called to a long time ago. I'm still not where I thought I would be by now emotionally or spiritually. I'm almost depressed by the person that I am not.... this girl who once was there is, well, gone, and I've tried and tried to be her, but I can't seem to find her anymore. I think it's time to leave her be...to maybe even let her go, and to move forward in this life. Forward with the people whom I love, and who I know love me.

I miss this blog.
I enjoy getting this all out.

Bye.

2010-08-10T23:20:00.001-05:00

Time to move back to journeling.

Love you guys. ;)

It's a fairly simple concept.

2010-07-28T09:51:00.002-05:00

My heart hurts.
I want to move on.
But my heart hurts.

It's days like these when things were supposed to be,
but now aren't... That hurt the worst. A pain that is not
describable.

Broken is NOT beautiful.

2010-07-18T21:27:00.002-05:00

I've been home (or will have been home in two hours) for four weeks today. I guess the theme of my life right now is really how fast time flies! It's like it just doesn't let up for two seconds. Constantly ticking away, and yet dragging on and on... taking my heart through the deepest pain I think I have ever known.

I never thought that when I left for Germany that I know a love for people of a new place, with a different culture and customs, but I did. I fell in love with the way they treated me, and the thought that I belonged to a certain group of friends. I had the gorgeous boyfriend, the awesome group of friends, and we enjoyed our times together. The pain didn't come in meeting them, though. It came in the realization that I only had a certain number of days left with them. That's when the pain started. Not seeing and talking to them daily, or really being there...

Today, though, there is a new pain. A pain of not being able to see them. Knowing that there are seven hours between us at all times. Being broken because in a sense that aspect of my life, the one that I truly adored, is over. Over in the preivous sentence is used more as the verb gone. Like when someone dies, they are gone. That's the feeling I have. A feeling that I can never get them... or him back. A feeling that makes me sick.

I'm not sure how to explain my state of mind with anyone, but that's the best I can do. I fell in love not just with a person, but also with a community. A place that became my home. Where people knew when I was upset, and came looking for me on those bathroom toliets at school because they'd knew where I'd be.

They knew me. They loved me, even though they knew me. They held me. They listened to me. They taught me. And tutored me. They loved me.

And leaving them, and the place I love is my rock bottom. A place of mourning. A place of trying to fit in, and not succeeding like I have once done. A place of uncertainity. Of wanting to be back "home".

Impact & Love.

2010-07-02T12:12:00.003-05:00

When I think about things that make me happy. I love relationships. You know the ones that really mean something to you. I remember riding around with my mom, helping her get some things from one store to the other, and I told her after mentioning meeting some people, "I just don't think they realize, I don't just meet people. I take these kinds of relationships seriously." And thinking about it.... I really do.

And when it's asked, "What do you want to do with your life?" The only answer that keeps coming to mind is, "Impact and love." I want to make an impact on the lives that I meet, on the people I befriend, and the relationships in my life. And I want to do that through love.

That's no career choice, and that answers absolutely NONE of the questions that I keep asking myself. But at the same time if I can do that throughout my whole life, impact and love that is, then I'm happy. I'm okay with that.

I know. I know. I should be thinking about what God wants for my life. I have no excuses to say to that, and I won't even start. They won't be good. But I do know that I want to impact and love no matter what.

Let's start this new adventure... (:

Swimming without my floaties.

2010-06-30T22:18:00.002-05:00

I was told once that I should be a philosopher because I ask so many questions. My heart is so heavy with just the desire to know what, where, when, why, and how. I mean, we are taught to pick out the five important questions in every passage that we read, to think critically, and choose our decisions wisely all throughout our high school careers.

But in church we are taught not to ask those questions really. I mean a little... to think critically..yeah, and to make wise decisions of course! But the what, where, when, why, and how... we are kind of taught to throw those out of the window. To just "go where God is calling us", to "trust in Him alone".

I apologize now that my thoughts are so twisted. I seem to be lost in America, with the decisions that I really should be making, that can change the out come of the rest of my life. To be honest, the thought of really making those decisions scares the living mess out of me. I left a seventeen year old little girl, and came back an eighteen year old "adult".... but as an "adult" speaking, I don't know what I want. Where I want to go, why I want to go there, when I want to get there, or how I want to succeed in doing it. I have no clue. None what so ever, and I have know clue where this journey is taking me.

I feel a little lost, swimming in the deep end without my floaties. I miss when I could show off and stand on my knees in the shallow end, and still have my head above water. I want to put the lessons of schredding water to use, but in the midst of all of the thoughts, I have forgotten the way it goes... how to get started.

The lesson of my life....

2010-06-24T01:05:00.002-05:00

I think even as I am coming home, and readjusting to life, I am still learning how to love. But I think too this past year has also taught me how to forgive. Not those, "I forgive you"s where you just say it, but what it truly means.
I also see a ton of anger from how much life has not changed in some aspects here, but maybe I will learn to forgive those situations too... with time.

"You will never be who you were again." -Audra Watson.

As I was looking for a significant "forgiveness quote", I realized that love and forgiveness have a ton of things in common. They are closely related, and go hand in hand which is a good "AH HA" moment for me.

Life in a suitcase?

2010-06-04T11:53:00.002-05:00

Remind me next time, not to get so comfortable in one place; or let me go, and live all over the world.

That would be nice, living out of a suitcase. ;)

"Hitting walls and gettin' scars only makes you who you are..."

2010-05-06T11:17:00.002-05:00

"No matter how much your heart is aching, there is beauty in the breaking."

Some times when it's time to sit down, and be honest and real and tell someone something, it doesn't go good. The whole situation is uncomfortable, and makes you just want to run away. I had one of those situations today. And even when I was strong, and stood up for myself... there was pain in the outcome.

I guess today was just a reminder that I'll have "those" kinda days no matter what country I am in...

Becoming tougher,
Michelle

Resting in the Oasis.

2010-04-22T14:47:00.003-05:00

"JESUS answered, 'Everyone who drinks this (well) water will be thirsty again, but those who drink the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.'" -John 4: 13-14

The long tension of confusion and fear finally did me in last night. After an absolutely wonderful day with my host family full of laughter and stories of Maike's first years. But still there was something missing, and that something was deep in my heart. Was missing, and there was a confusion like I can't describe.

After realizing that there was something spiritually really going on in my head and heart, I decided to call people that have had huge spiritual influence in my life. And I continued to call people until the third one timidly answered his phone. (The out of country numbers are pretty intimidating.) None the less, I was able to cut up with him for a minute, and catch up, and have a good time, but still, being the person he is, he realized that something was up, and began to ask questions. It didn't take long until I had poured my guts out with huge tears and imperfect English.

My loving brother and mentor of so many years in Christ, openly told me that I was just believing so many lies from the enemy. Lies that make no sense. Blunt, bold faced lies. Lies that my God doesn't love me. That if I sin I can't pray. Lies that have caused heart-wrenching pain, along with confusion in what I stand for as a person. And I just had to get it out. Not only did my brother tell me the load of lies that I was believing; he also prayed over me, and spoke a word over my life that came directly from my God, my Father, my Savior:

"Michelle, I am so proud of you, and I love you tremendously. I need you to relax, and just trust me. You won't understand what I am doing, and you won't figure it out. Just trust me."

I began to feel an overwhelming peace that came across my body and heard, "The peace you feel is me wrapping you like a baby up in my arms. Just trust me. I haven't left you, even though you feel alone. You are making a difference for my kingdom in Germany, Michelle. Just trust me."

At the end of the conversation my mentor told me, "Baby girl, you're in a desert, but tonight you just experienced an oasis. Your God knows you can't go another step, and he's just going to sit down and rest with you tonight. You're not done in this desert, but don't forget that this is preparing you for what's next to come. Something you don't know, but in some way, will be used."

Even though there's a little negative side to the reality in this story, that I am in the desert desperate for water, shade, and rest, I'm ready to continue the journey. Ready to see that I will come out of this desert alive in one peace because I serve a faithful, righteous, and holy God. My heart is overjoyed with the love of my Savior who knows when I just can't go any more. Who is the breath of my life.

Resting in my oasis,
-Michelle

"Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit and his worshiper must worship in the Spirit and in truth." John 4: 23-24

Imperfect Perfection.

2010-04-18T14:56:00.002-05:00

So I am sitting here after a long, but wonderful weekend. I went to dinner at a friend from the family's, and Annette, my goodness can that woman cook! She did an amazing job. (: And then yesterday I spent time with the Mama Doris in the garden, and helped plant, and arrange the flowers until we had expected yet unexpected guests come by. Erika and her husband are very good friends of Doris's, and we all got together for coffee and cake, and just catching up and enjoying ourselves. After the cake, I of course went running. As if that really helped! Last night, Opa and Rolf and I went to the circus where I just felt like a little kid again... I really did enjoy myself. It might have been that that was only my second circus ever, but man was it cool!

This weekend has also been filled with blank thinking moments, where I just can't help but try to figure out why I am a ball of emotions. I know that this will take many of you by surprise, and some of you, will just sit there and think, "she is JUST NOW seeing that?!" But I've realized that I am scared of messing up, of making mistakes, disappointing the people I love. Scared doesn't even hit the emotions. It's honestly terror. I don't say that lightly either. This terror tears through me, and makes me think a hundred and twenty-seven thousand times over one subject. And this terror persuades my decisions every time.

This is a terror with real tears, and worries. With sleepless nights and long periods of thinking. One that will probably control the rest of my life. I think "if this gets back to the states...", or "but what if...", or "they would think...", or "if I did, then they will think/hate..." My heart aches from this, and the thing I hate the most is I'm terrified to tell that to someone. To say, "I want to be perfect for you, but I can't." I really don't know where this mind-set of trying to be the newest form of perfection came from, but I sure do know that nothing in me will ever be it. And in spite of knowing those(these) facts, I still stress myself out, and worry myself with these thoughts.

My heart is scared again for change once again. Shocking probably for many of you once again. Change is my middle name. "Bold and ready for change" has been my slogan for so long, and now "Timid and Terrified" has taken it's place. But this change is coming, whether I am ready or not.

Glad to get this out.
-Michelle

It's Like Days Are Just Flying By...

2010-04-17T05:24:00.002-05:00

And honestly, I know that I say this a lot, but I am just seriously not ready for this chapter of my story to be over. I'm selfish. Blah. Blah. Blah. I know that you guys don't want to hear or read that I'm not ready to come home. Sometimes it's hard to be honest and real on here because I don't want to offend you guys back home. Don't get me wrong the second I get on the plane to go home, I will probably be so excited. And I am ready to hug a few people, and meet the newest members of my family, who are now half grown... okay that's a little exaggeration, but still they won't be the tiny babies they were.

Some of me still has a feeling that I am going to just be the "world traveler" of my family. I hope that I will be able to say that I am going to go where ever God tells me to go, but I have no clue where that is. I was listening to a podcast from Louie Gigliou and the Passion Church, and he said something about going where ever in the world God calls you, and that sometimes God's story for us is a raging river with waves that knock us out of our rafts, but that God will pick us up.... Something in that whole symbolic picture of God comforts me. Even when it's been a really long time since I've sat down and read my word.

He went on to say that God is "longing to take his children back." Something that I believe. That God still has a purpose for his children, which really made me think... "God still called me to this placed, a place that I adore. I am scared of what's next...but what's next doesn't come for a few months, and I'm excited that He's getting my attention again." Really He's never lost it... I guess all that I am trying to say in this whole blog is that I am terrified about where and what God will call me too, but then when I think about where I am and how I got here.... there's a comfort and peace that calms me down more than anyone else's words or opinions can. And I feel that some where in this chapter of my life, but story of God's, that he's preparing my heart to find my person deep down beliefs for myself. Even when opinions fly, that I will know who I am, and whose I am.

"Ich gehore zu dir, aber ich bin mich gar nicht sicher was das bedeutet."
Hanging on, and hoping that I will make a difference in this life.
-Michelle

Scream your heart out.

2010-04-03T03:37:00.003-05:00

I had a great time in Langeoog this past week with my host family. Langeoog is a little island off the Northwestern coast of Germany in the North Sea, and it's dang stinking cold. No cars are allowed, and every one greets one another with "moin." I think I rode a bicycle more this past week than I have in my entire life, but it was so much fun just getting a chance to spend time with my family there. This is a memory that not many people will get to say they experienced in their life, and I am so honored for the privelage of getting to take part in another part of the German culture.

One morning I decided to go to the beach early while on Langeoog, and before I left I just felt an urge to take my Bible with me. Sadly, I decided against bringing it with me, and this particular morning I just felt that God had something to say to me about his redeeming love. (It's insane that over a year later I'm still hung up on this love concept. Even after a camp that I experienced in June of last year where God's love was so real and big to me. It still is a touchy subject.) Needless to say, my morning on the beach was a peaceful one. One where I just listened to the birds chirpping and the waves crashing, and heard some where in the whisper of the wind the scripture that says something to the effect of "if you don't sing my praises, the rocks of the earth will". Don't ask me for a refference, I don't know where it is. But I heard God's creation singing praises to their king.

I leave in four days to finish out my Spring Break 2010 to go to London with two very good friends from school. We are all very excited about seeing London, and just hanging out together. :)

"My life doesn't belong to Germany, but it doesn't belong to America either."
Searching for my place,
-Michelle

Realizations of myself.

2010-03-17T16:50:00.003-05:00

I finally decided to start on my biggest assignment of the year, where my teachers here allowed me to write in English, which is a darn pitty because my English is a bit rusty. ( You'll be able to tell as you continue to read this, I am sure.) I wanted this to be a master piece to give to my teachers here, and I thought it really would be one. But I also thought this was going to be one of those easy
"this is what I did the two weeks I was interning at the school" essays, which by the way is completely false.

This is a folder of many different essays, including where my personal role was, how the kids/employers took my being there, there is one where I have to explain the entire school system, and how this particular school is run in comparision to other schools and so on. I am now working on something similar to a research paper that is also another part of this big assignment. Since I worked at a school, I decided to write about "Teaching Foreign Languages: The Earlier the Better", and I am very much interested in this subject. There are many fascinating articles, and interesting facts about the human mind, and how we as adults use to learn as children.

But here I am also learning many things about myself. I see that as an advanced student from America, how far behind as a student I am here. Maybe that is partly on a different system to blame, but maybe that also is to be blamed on myself. There are things that I should have and honestly could have asked for help in, such as Math. My Math skills here in Germany are very hindering to my education.

This thought that "grades don't matter for exchange students" doesn't help either because even when I want to understand, it makes no sense to ask for help because the grades don't matter in the end. This week I found out that I will not have to take my Math test, which is actually a bit unfair for many of the other students who also don't understand the subject.

But the thing that I see in myself, the thing that is good, is that I want to go back, and really sit down, and learn the things that in the past frustrated me. Things that I said were "too hard" and then gave up. I want to sit down, and learn how to study, and really apply myself to my school work. Not worship it, but really push myself to make an effort to catch myself up, and relearn things that I never "got".

I am ready for that challenge, and excited to sit down, and really learn how to learn.
Finding myself.
Michelle

The one day I sleep in late...is a day when I need to go to bed early!

2010-03-14T17:48:00.003-05:00

Typical of me, I know. Not thinking through things before I do them. Well I went to a dance last night, and it was so neat just to be with friends, classmates, teachers, and parents, and watching how much fun, (and participating) everyone was having.

Now I am awaiting the chance to travel to St. Johann, Austria with the eighth graders at school to do some skiing, which would be the coolest thing next to going to London, England with two of my absolute favorite Germans that walk the earth. :) The coolest part though, is if everything works out, I will be gone starting Friday then come back about a week later, in time to wash clothes and pack again so that I can join my German Family on a trip to the North Sea(Nord See)... then to come back home in time to celebrate Easter with the family plus Oma and Opa. And then to head out for England. That's right! Practically three weeks vacation. :D

It seems like a year should be an excessive amount of time, which in perspective to a week, it is... but I'm telling you, it's not enough time at all to really see everything... that comes with being a citizen of a specific country. No different than no foreign exchange student could spend one week in every state of America in one year. That's just the way the cookie crumbles I guess.

Looks like when I make it back to "the home land" I will be visiting a doctor about removing my oversized tonsils. They are being dumb, and are causing me to have fever, sore throat, and all sorts of dumb ill rated problems. But once they are out, so I have heard, things start pointing upward.

Well, it is 2 til midnight, and I have school, and am curling Maike's hair early because I love spending girl time together with my sisters. So good night/day/morning from where ever you are reading. I'm signing out, and going to sleep.

"Oh lasset uns an beten den König."

2010-03-01T15:48:00.003-06:00

What a great and gloriomyself us God we serve. I just want you to stop, and really take in who your God is. Please take time to stop reading this, and just realize who it is you serve. I can tell you know who my god has been the last few months. Myself. Facebook. Perfection. Laziness. Feeling sorry for myself. My friends.

My god became thinking of before others. I noticed that today in the doctor's office when the doctor decided to take a man, who had been waiting longer than myself, before me. The way I made others feel was the last thing on my mind. Making time for people that I love hanging out with, was the furthest from my mind. Why couldn't they ask me first?

I started deliberately spending time on facebook, and not on my homework. Today I went to school completely unprepared for the day. None of the correct folders, books, and I still thought tomorrow I had a class that I don't have until Friday.

Overwhelming thoughts that I can't live up to expectations, or make deadlines, or be a good daughter, friend, sister, or aunt became just that....: overwhelming. I stopped sleeping. My thoughts turned and turned, and all I would think about was how can I improve myself? How can I make me better than I am. Maybe I should be nicer here, or do more work in that class to make my teacher realize that I am not dumb. That I really do understand my homework, and that I enjoy his class. Unreachable expectations of making make parents proud, or of making making my friends know that I am still standing behind them 5,000 miles away. I wanted to be perfect, something that I will ever be. Something that I know, but something I still have trouble with.

My heart was filled with pitty from the fact that I hated, and still do, not being able to be perfect. I would be happy on the outside, but on the inside, I questioned why I couldn't be perfect, and why I had to be so ugly....not physically meant. Why couldn't people do what they were asking me to do? Where did my friends in the states go? I have no friends... and such crap.

My friends here have become my world. I make sure to have time for them, before for myself or for my Lord. I began to shut him out so that I could spend as much time with them as I could. (Don't take that the wrong way. Spending time with your friends, really isn't that bad. But it doesn't help if it's your whole life. Everything is in measurement.)

Then I talked to a great friend of mine who was up way past her bed time. But I feel like for a divine moment... to remind me that I am not alone, and that our God is here. But not only that... that she hasn't forgot about me, and I her neither. And then at the end before she pleaded for sleep, she told me, "I am praying that God would give you the desires of your heart."

"Desires of my heart," I thought. "What desires?" I had no clue what my heart longed for so badly until tonight. Until my God gave me the desires of my heart. Until he spoke his love over my heart, over my life. A friend of mine, just sent me an email. "Hey, I'm praying for you. Hope you're still enjoying yourself. I miss you. See you soon." My heart was just humbled that God would know that I NEED that. Exactly, hearing those things was what I needed. And then another good friend of mine that I was pretty evil to, sent me a reply to something I sent. Something I expected, with love and gentleness that I've never known. A love that can only come from my God. From the one screaming, "Michelle, I LOVE YOU!" And I heard it again tonight.

I heard it from these emails. From a gift from a friend. From a friend calling and saying I want to see you. It's been too long, let's go out on Wednesday. From God giving me the desires of my heart.... the ones I didn't even think of.

"May God give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed." Psalm 20:4

Praise the God of this universe, who gave me the gift of Germany... to realize who I am!

Ann boa lynn?

2010-02-28T09:36:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I wonder what life will be like when I get back home because reality is: I'm not going back to the same life that I had. That's just the way it is. I am here in this place, and every one here has a story... that everyone knows. Like we all do in Southaven. It comes with having a little home town.

But it's like I wonder if things, friendships, and such are still there. I know some are... but then some of me has no clue what is going to come out of "coming home". Who will be there when I arrive on the 21st? Or will I even be able to say anything in English... that makes sense? Or will I be so sad?

This is the first time in my life that in my heart, I really have no desires. I don't know anything that my heart wants. It's like I can't think it through. Lie. I know what I want haha.

But really... I'll be back in church. I'll see people and meet people for the first time, and I'll start again at zero. (I mean that in the way that when I left the states I knew no one in Germany, and then I worked on meeting people and the language, and now things are rolling right along here in the big G-land. And I will have to do that again, but just in reverse for the states.)

I still love this place. It's still where I want to stay, there's just a voice in the back of my head reminding me that it's almost over, and life goes on. Time flies way to fast in my opinion. I have a fear of man.... I hope I fit in still when I get back to the states.

I'm beginning to see it in a different perspective.

2010-02-12T16:20:00.001-06:00

I realized today that everything I do here is being watched, and filtered through by people here in Germany or in the States. Either way everyone knows, and there is no way of hiding who I am. Either I "shine" for the Lord, or I act like a pagen child. One way or another I will be remembered.

Crazy.

Mission: Failed.

2010-02-07T03:31:00.004-06:00

I remember the excitement that I had as a Christ follower for the opportunity that God placed in my hands. I remember the drive and the goals that I set for myself, and one day I will be able to say I remember the day I decided to just live life.

At least I can say though that I am not going through the motions like I would in Southaven. I would continue to go to church, and give God lip service. Please know that I still believe in the One true and living God. My walk is just taking a look at absence right now. All of me wants to be praising the God of the Universe, and singing His praises. Irony in it all is that I do still sing love songs to the Lord. Most of the songs in my head are songs of who He is, and how His love brings us to such better places.

My biggest fear was that I would dissappoint my God and my family, and honestly, I'm not doing anything wrong. I am happy, and I am making friends, and spending time with my family, and getting to know what they like, what they don't, making time for them, and just having such a wonderful time here. But some where in there I have left out the my God sent me here to be His light. I look exactly like the German culture, and I am scared of coming back home to a Bible belt home.

To people who love, but to a culture that judges all that you do, or have done. I am no different. I use to do the same thing. I would look at those people who did this or that, and my heart would break, but my head would be talking them all up. Whether it is in my head, or it is in my heart, or out of my mouth it is still there, and it is still sin.

My calling is to love, and I just want to fulfill that with everything I have. My God said to me a long time ago, "You are to go and love the people where ever it is that I call you to go." And I do love these people, but I have no clue if I show them that. If they know that the love I have for them is a love that only Jesus Christ can give, and living and experiencing so much together. My heart longs to be in the will of my Lord, but I refuse to play in both worlds. I'm not going to just give Him lip service, when He calls for everything. I can't.

I would rather not give anything as to JUST give Him lip service. As I look at the fact that it's already February, my heart breaks. My time is almost up, and at the end of the time, I feel like I am going to hear, "Michelle Engelke: Mission Germany: Failed."

It's about living for the glory of Heavan, and the Kingdom. I'm not a bad person, and I don't buy alcohol illegally or do drugs, but I haven't showed any one into the Kingdom of the Lord, and for that I am broken. My fruits should show better than I have let them.

Living in Silence.
Michelle

Goals, again?

2010-01-28T03:50:00.002-06:00

My goal this weekend is to go, and have fun with the people who have become so important to me, and the same ones who I have seen since August the 15, 2009! Crazy how time really does fly. We'll get to be together for 4 days, and these have been the 4 days that have really kept some of going one the bad days.

I just thought this would take so much longer to get here really. It just makes me realize how fast this year is, and how this really isn't enough time. But I have to keep the head up, and just realize this is the best thing and craziest thing I think I have ever done.

Decide to come to Germany that is. I'm in loveeeeeeeeee. :D

So full of thoughts.

2010-01-27T09:13:00.002-06:00

My head is just so full of thoughts these past few days. It's coming up on a week where sleep has been stollen from me, and my head just won't settle down. And when it finally does it seems that I am once again reminded how soon I am going to be leaving. This feels like my normal life. Don't get me wrong, I miss people, and I look forward to seeing them again, but I am so so sad that I am going to miss out on seeing people, and being with the friends I have made.

I guess that just means that I will eventually be very excited about coming back here to see everyone and every thing that I do have. I suppose I should be thankful that everything is and has worked out so well as it has, and yet it just feels like I'm screaming for time to go a little slower.

To those reading this, I hope you understand that I say that not trying to make you sad, but just to say that I really do want to continue living my life. The one that I have put so much work into. I mean it hit me to as I was speaking with a man from the German Parlament in Berlin that I really have come so far as to being able to telephone with someone about coming to visit them in Berlin. I am so proud of myself, but now I don't want it to end. You know?

Learning my gifts.

2010-01-24T14:12:00.002-06:00

As some of you may know, I just got through with a two week internship as an English teacher at the elementary school here in Lage-Müssen. It was something that at the first glimpse I had no desire what-so-ever to do, and then as the first day passed there was something in my heart that changed. Something that as the week went on, my heart began to really enjoy seeing my kids. And the though of saying "my kids" is now understood in my heart and head.

I had the chance while at this school to observe, and really put to the test my understanding of my own personal language, and how to explain it to a native German speaking student. It was actually probably the most fun I had in a long time. I got to use things like simple games to help teach the kids what body parts were, or how to say something correctly.

At the end of my two weeks, I got probably the coolest complement from one of the teachers at the school, who told me that I should really consider studying elementary education. She said, "You can't learn how to interact with children like you do. Nor can you learn how to explain things on their level like I have seen that you can. Nor have I seen children flock to someone the way they did with you. You have a gift."

After standing there not knowing what to think, I just said "um..thank you. Really thank you." My prayer has just been that God would take my heart, and make it his. Make my dreams his. I knew something was happening the second I began to wake-up excited to see my kids, and dred that my two weeks were almost over. I knew that my dreams were coming to a stop one day just laying in bed a little before christmas, thinking is NYU even where God wants me?

Is this still kicking my pride? Absolutely. Teaching isn't worth anything in the states, but I honestly feel that God has used my internship here in Germany to show me that I do have a gift with children. After the lesson that I did with the third graders, they had to tell the class what they thought, and they all said that they enjoyed it, and one said that I taught the class better that the regular teacher. I think that's partly because I'm not him, and I am someone different, but still it touched my heart.

Now my prayer continues to be that God would make it clear how I am going to accomplish His will as an elementary school teacher. With all the laws of separation of church and state, I'm not sure how much I look forward to this, but if this is my Lord's will for my life, if this is what He has designed my life for, then bigolly George! I am honored! I am honored that He showed me this gift, and honored that His has spoken in my life. Honored that I am rescued by the cross!

Learning my gifts and persuing the cross,
Michelle

I dread summer.

2010-01-09T17:40:00.002-06:00

When did it happen? No idea. How did it happen? No idea. Why did it happen? NO idea. But it did, and I am so glad it did. Nothing in me wants to leave this place. I love it here. I am so overwhelmed not about coming home, but about saying good-bye again.

The first time it was yeah, I'm coming back come...so it is no big deal, and I cried, and thought really hard, and was scared...but in the end I didn't know what I was scared of. The unknown...the "I am about to be on my own...at seventeen/eightteen....in a foreign country...with a language I can't speak." It was the things that I didn't that I could manage that scared me. What people would think of me. Would I even make friends? Would I fit into the culture. And now?

I am sitting here a little over 5 months looking to the future, and all I see is "Good-bye". And there is pain in that. There is pain in having to look these people, who have accepted me, and taught me their culture and language, who have become my friends, and knowing that my time with them is short. In my heart, they will always mean something to me. But it's like one of the girls said, "It's hard to stay in touch." I mean look at America... I can't keep up with y'all to save my life, and Germany too... she's right. It's hard.

I know what's coming. And as much as I love summer with the long days of work, and the spontaneous speeding (dad that's a lie) to get home to take a shower, getting ready, and going out, just to come home in time to see my parents pasted out on the couch. Those are great things. Missed things even, but I don't know how my heart is going to do when I leave. This place feels like home. I dread you, Summer. And, June, you in particular.

Tears will flow the entire week to two weeks before I leave.
To the best Germans I know! I love you all. :)

When is strong too strong?

2010-01-03T13:07:00.003-06:00

I guess the cool part about getting to be sick is Mom Doris always makes this drink, but it sounds disgusting so I will save you the details, but know if you are ever sick (throwing-up) I will be making this drink for you. And of course you get to sleep the whole day away, but anyone who knows me knows that I would rather be exploring, or walking, or drawing dresses. One day I will make a beautiful dress by the way.

A few weeks ago I was given the complement that I was a strong person. Honestly, here I have heard that many more times than I can count. Every time I hear it, it blows my mind. I mean I guess there are somethings that we just don't see in ourselves, right? Not saying I don't think I am a "strong person", but I know I have my weeknesses too.

For example, I can't do the whole being sick thing. If you've ever seen me sick, you'd understand that I am a complete baby the whole time. I remember my mom telling me one time when I was like six or seven that my husband was going to have to be one patient man to stay with me after the first time I am sick...hahaha. Such good memories.

But I guess the only thing I never want to happen is that I become too strong. That I become someone who doesn't feel anything. That kind of character is something I never want in my life. I want to be strong, of course. But my heart isn't to become ice cold...which is what happens sometimes with people who become strong. They are never again vulnerable or honest when they need help. I want to have a good balance.

Is falling in love with my Romancer.

2010-01-01T17:00:00.000-06:00

I am really not sure when it happened, or how it happened really, but it's true.... I am falling in love. God has taken the broken mess I was, and is putting all my pieces back together. But what I am realizing is that before he could take and put my pieces back together, He had to break me and my heart, take out the parts of me that were cold, hard, and unmoved, and then He had to craft new pieces of my heart. He had to put new desires in it. He had to fill it with his love, his grace, vulnerability, compassion, and willingness to keep pushing forward in HIS name.

As I began this journey, I heard a voice saying to me that He had plans for me, plans for this year. (Jer. 33:11) He told me through simple songs that He could take care of the heartbreak, of the pain, of the journey to get to a new place as a person. I remember sitting there on a snow day in Southaven, right after a friend and I arrived at a sister church of ours for Sunday morning service. Then and there, my heart was beginning to be romanced. The worship team began to sing, "Nothing is impossible for you. Nothing is impossible for you. Nothing is impossible for you. Nothing is impossible for you...You hold the world in your hands." My heart was given hope that if it was His will for my life, I would be in Germany this year.

I was sitting in my room late one like, a little like tonight, and I was reading through Hosea, where the Lord just blasted 2:14-15, "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards and will make the Calley of Achor a door of hope. There she will respond as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt." God told me, "Michelle, I am going to give you your heart back."

God is continuing to give me promises. I am going back through Nehemiah right now, and honestly, I don't remember the story...which I have read in the past 5 months, I know that just from a pen, written on the pages of Nehemiah, that I got right before I left. But I read something I wrote in my margins of chapter three, " When you read this, they are rebuilding walls that have been torn down, but they are doing it a little bit at a time. God is rebuilding me a little bit at a time." (8/11/09) It goes on to say, " 35 different repairs are made in just chapter three alone." And my last note hit me really good, "Not only did it take time, but it took many people."

The Lord is going to give me my heart back a little bit at a time. But God isn't a fast pase God all the time. Some times it takes weeks, months, or years to see what it is He does in your life. This whole journey for me started in 2008, and now we are thankfully living in 2010.

After a night of bringing in the New Year with good friends, and lots of brownies, and good food, I got to sleep and wake up to an amazing day, where God's promises where fulfilled. I was standing in the living room of an amazing young lady her. We were listening to music, and I think she left the room for a minute or two, and in the mean time, I just stood at the window and watched huge snowflakes hit the already frozen early morning snow. Just watched it continue to come and come and come. Then, out of no where, I heard a familiar voice just say to me, "Michelle, I told you I was going to give you back your heart this year. I love you."

The thought that my God is my Romancer, is honestly something I never thought I would comprehend. I still don't comprehend it so well now, but I sure do know that my God is, "holding my heart." Showing me that I can trust him, that he fulfills his promises, and brings joy even when somethings He calls us to, are exactly the hardest thing to do.

I am looking forward to seeing what 2010 brings. Hopefully a year full of new things. A year full of God's lessons. I mean everyone hopes for a good year; a joyful year, right? I do too, but I will continue to know that my God is trustworthy, my God is Holy, my God is Love even if my year turns to poo. My God has shown me that.

Yeah, getting prayer answered with, "do you trust me?" gets really annoying sometimes, but those are the answers that push us to keep walking in His ways. My God is a beautiful Romancer. He can speak to me with words that blow my mind. Hold me with his tender arms, and rebuke me. He is who I want to please in this life.

Word of the day: Wait: to be content with uncontentness

I am Michelle Engelke the beloved of Jesus Christ.

A look through 2009.

2009-12-30T15:19:00.002-06:00

As I was sitting down for dinner tonight, I was thinking through all that happen last year. Was 2009 a good year, or a worth-while year? or was it a heart-breaking year?

2009 came with it's mighty ups and trecherous downs, I do indeed have to say. Some where I literally felt my heart stop beating a few times either from excitement or from complete pain. But at the end of this year, well with one day to spare, this year has been a blessing. One filled with so many lessons and learning what it is that keeps us ticking through this life.

One with my hearts broken. One with people using one another, and friendships leaving.... but the beauty in this year in 2009... it's what came after the heartbreak for me. I have prayed probably my whole life that God would give me a story, a cool testimony. And my God has done something more than that. He has provided me with a story that has taken over 18 years to write....there were nine months in the tummy. :)

But what I mean is through out history if there was one little detail messed up from how my great-grandfather traveled over the atlantic to find freedom from whatever it was that he didn't want to do in germany, then I wouldn't be here in Germany. I never would have been able to watch my God take my little life, and totally throw a curve ball with it.

Thinking through 2009, my God did things in my life that I never thought were possible. He restored more than three completely destroyed relationships in my life. He brought me to a place where I didn't have to run, but just learn to listen. Where I don't have to be a little girl, but where I am now the oldest. He's turn my tables, and is continuing to teach me how to communicate, how to love, how to pour my heart out EVEN when I might NOT get anything in return. He's teaching me grace and mercy for my family and friends.

My God? He's amazing. He's the only one who understands my Danglish. I am so blessed that the same God that took me out of Southaven where I could communicate, put me here in Lage, and can still understand my heart. He knows when I am sad, or just hurting, or deeply desiring something. I never have to try to figure out the words to tell him that: He Knows.

So I guess at the end of this blog, I am seeing that 2009 was a very rough learning process, but truely a reward that has become an ebenezer in this little life of mine. One day I hope to write down this life of mine. All that I have lived, but 2009 will probably half the document if ever completed. ;)

Until next year!

The best day ever!

2009-12-19T15:43:00.001-06:00

So I am going to start at the beginning with my wonderful journey to Hannover and back. :)

I woke up at six thirty this morning my time, got ready, and then ate breakfast with Doris, my Host Mom. (She's cool.) Then I ran downstairs into the basement to get my warm clothes because well i needed clothes. haha.

So then I ran back up two flights of stairs to my room, finished getting ready, grabbed my purse with my train ticket and then ran back down stairs to put on my boots and coat. (Notice I haven't once gone to the bathroom yet.) So then we drove, in the snow, to the train station here in Lage so I could catch my first train to Herford at 8:09. So it came at 8:12; stupid train.

Well I told Doris bye, and jumped one my train where I was on my own fighting through the german train system...alone...all the way to hannover. (2+ hours) So I made it to my first stop to Herford where there was a twenty minute wait until the train arrived. So I stood there in the cold...so about 5 degrees Fehrenheit. Rediculous! Intense.

Then I got on the next train where I thought I would never get to Hannover which I acutally did.... thirty mintues later. And then I got a txt message that said, "hey there is a car crash on the autobann, so i will be late." Great I'm already late, and now Julian, my german friend here that i met in the states is late too. So then I stood there by the Gleis (no idea what that's called in english...um...i seriously just looked this up on leo.org....platform).... waiting for Julian to come when this [ugly] man walk up to me, and said, "I just have to stop and tell you that you are just such a beautiful young lady." So of course, I smile and say thank you. He goes away, and then I continue to wait, until..... he comes back five seconds later to say, "You are certainly waiting here for your mother, aren't you?" Think fast Michelle.... don't tell him the truth that you are just visiting A friend... then he won't leave you alone... what to do??? I know! "Actually I'm meeting 'mein Freund' translated....my boyfriend." (Which he's not.)

So the guy..the [ugly] guy, looks me in the eye and asks when he is coming. Honesly I had no idea... he said he'd call when he got there... so i said, "in just a few mintues." And he responded, "oh i was hoping like three hours...i want to get some coffee with you. Can we?" Um... "NOOOOOO!" hahaha. "No, i am sorry i have to go meet my [boy]friend at another store..."

So then he went a way and i went to the entrance of the train station in probably the biggest city i have been to yet in germany. (ALONE) And i waited. And waited. And waited. And then I walked to mcdonald's to go to the bathroom, but i forgot that i am not in america anymore and you have to pay to pee. so i walk back to my postion at the entrance of the station. It's now ten till eleven. (we were suppose to meet at ten.) So i am thinking in the back of my head, "michelle you have been completely stood up. BUT! then I finally get a phone call, and see julian. So then we start walking and decide to go to the post office to mail a letter, and then go to get some coffee because it's stinking cold.

So then we talked in english, and then he would trip me up and talk to me in german, and i wouldn't notice that he switched languages. I hate that Ay. but it's funny at the same time. So then after we drank our coffee we walked through the city, looked at a little bit of the pretty buildings, and then met up with his english teacher, who also only talked to me IN ENGLISH. so then after that we looked at really expensive stores, but decided not to go in. And we then decided after two hours of just lolly gagging around that we would go back to his house for a little while and he'd show me his town, and i'd meet his parents.

So we went back to nordstemmen and then had some coffee, talked to his parents, and i played with his golden retrever. :) And i went potty at so two something. So then we decided to go look at his parents business, a fitness studio. Cool! then he should me his awesome private school, and then he invited me to go to dinner. So i said yes, and we went to dinner where he ate the salad and i ate the pizza.

So then we drove back to hannover and walked to the weihnachtsmarkt, and stood in the freezing cold to wait for my trian... by now it's -16 degrees celicus.... 3 degrees F. intense! So then I am finally on my train that came on time.... but some how got behind schedule...so i missed my next train back to Herford. I forgot that there were these really annoyed drunk guys that kept asking me to come to their party. they had over six beers with them, and this wonderful lady who lived in the town that we stopped in, and helped me find a new train to herford. so i get on the train to herford/bielefeld knowing that bielefeld would be just 30 min. from home... but then when i called me host mom she said no come through herford. so my train left herford 10 minutes before i got there with the new trian. so then i had to get off, and find a new one.

but before that there were more guys on the next train that kept asking me why i was so tense....who were also drunk and kept asking me if the guy beside me was my boyfriend...which was a guy that i didn't know. so they kept staring at me and asking me where i came from. booooo! so then when i got to herford they were like have a great weekend... yeah danke... and then i asked some guy with a brown mutze which gleis i was suppose to go to to get to lagge (lippe) my city train station but he could he my accent and said zwei...um..two. ughhhh!

so then it's only eight ten and i was to aufgeregt (leo.org) that i could think of what i was trying to say when i asked this other guy if i had time to go to the bathroom. ha he asked me if i spoke english.. which to i answered yes. and it turned out he is an englander who lives here in germany for the past few years. cool huh? so he said yeah you've got like twenty minutes. but then i couldn't find the bathroom, and had to ask. and the guy told me once again i had to pay fifty cents... but there was a line, and i didn't want to miss my trian so i went back up to the gleis to wait on my train. crazy.

and me and the englander started talking. and then we sat by eachother on the train and talked and asked every other sentecnce for the other person to use another word because we didn't understand each other. he then told me i should go back to hannover where he lived some day. hahaha. and then i found out his name was johnny, and then we talked and i was able to be funny michelle liek always because it was english. and then i got off my train and went home with my host dad, rolf.

In the car I told him this whole story and then, when i got home i told my whole family the story. and now i am sitting here writing it down for you...but then i'm going to bed!

Christmas is a month celebration!

2009-12-10T09:46:00.004-06:00

"You can see how much you are loved by every package that comes our way." -Mama.

My God is definitely challenging my heart, but still answering prayers. The family and I have had some very wonderful experiences. I am so honored to be with this family. So so so honored. :)

I really don't know what to write you guys. I want you to know that my heart is being restored, but before you can get there sometimes you have to go through the fire first. I am very excited about what lies ahead.

I know that my God has plans for this life. And I know that I am experiencing more now that most people do in a life time, and for that I am honored. :))

Christmas boxes came today.

Tell me how can you sleep?

2009-11-28T18:59:00.002-06:00

How can you breathe? Baby, tell me how you love me now. Tell me how can you sleep? How can you breathe? I hate how you say you love me now. Woah Wo... a..oh.. :)

I know that people told me this would be the best thing of my life, but some times I forget that they also said it would be hard. This is just one of those nights where I am sitting here thinking, which is never good. Questions keep tossing and turning in my head, and it's like I know that it's dumb and I do want this, but tonight I just keep asking if this is really what I wanted?

Am I really strong enough for this place? I really don't see that I will EVER be "strong" enough for this place, and distance from my God has never been so far. Everything in me is bound to make it through this year, and become someone new. Become and new woman, ready to know exactly what I want to live in this life, and whom for. I already know part of that sentence. Jesus.

But then I think I could be safe and sound in my bed in the states. I could be living a normal "senior year" this year, and seeing if things would work out with the people I miss the most. I hate that I miss some so much, might I add. But it seems like you never realize the ones you'll really miss until you're gone. So it that in life, huh?

I just want this year to mean something; to matter at the end of the day. I want it to be something that at the end, I say, "Look at what you have accomplished." But NOT just that... but I want to hear, "Look what I have accomplished in your life, character, and who you are." from my Lord. My goal at the end of the day countines to be to make my God proud, even if I "stick out like a sore thumb."

But can I ask you a question? Of course other than the previous sentence. How much would you endure for the glory of your God? I don't want any of those stupid, and yes i said STUPID, (get over it) sunday school answers. I'm sick of those "right" answers. I want honest answers. How far would you go for the God you serve?

Do you really believe all the promises that His Word says? That He'll never leave you? That you're going to make it through the next storm? That you're going to become stronger at the end of everything that you're living right now? Do you really believe that He died for you, and paid all your sins at the cross, and that all you have to do is say "God, I need your Son's blood to cover my life, my heart." To say that no matter what happens, no matter where you lead me, and what trails and tests I fail, I am still going to pick myself up, and say, "I am yours; You are mine.... I give my life away, and leave it all behind" to give you more glory.

Honestly, I am seeing that my "faith" was nothing more than listening and doing exactly what people said. This life is HARD. There is nothing easy about loving people who think totally differently about this life. Do I really believe all His promises? I can't say that I honestly do, but wait. I do believe. I do. But somewhere in this I've forgotten what it is that my Lord really has done for me. What His word says; That He is always here. He's not leaving, and His ways are guided for me.

Do I always think I am going to make it out of my struggles? Absolutely not. I look at things here, and I think all the time that I am seeing the wicked and disgusting sinful nature of myself. I will take on Paul for that "worst of all sinners" place. My heart is filthy.

He'll never leave you? I've never felt so alone. He's here; I know He is, I just can't seem to find Him. I've lost Him in this crowd; His voice is so hard to hear. I just need to hear His voice one again, I need Him to hold me again. I need His touch. I need Him, but I know He is here. I've just got to keep calling His name, or listen harder for Him to call mine.

Sometimes, it's like the storm never ends, and I don't think my heart will ever be whole. I feel like the tree blowing around in the wind. Whipping and binding, praying that my roots are strong enough to withstand this life. I know I'll be different, but "better" I have no clue about that.

God,
I know you've died for me on Calvery. I know that you have a plan for this life of mine. I admit to you that my heart is filthy, wicked, and so sinful. God I just want You to be near. Please, hold me tonight. Come and shine your light...."Your light will shine when all else fails." Make your Son's blood become more than reality. Let me fall in love with You once again. Bring yourself glory in the midst of everything you are putting into my life. Give me strength in the struggle, and help me to learn how to fight these battles. I want to be the warrior that You have called me to be. Let me be a light for your nations. Come close, and hold my heart?
Desperite for You,
Amen.

Lord, let your glory fall.

2009-11-18T15:20:00.002-06:00

I am starting to wake up from this blur, and realize that this IS my life. This IS exactly where I am suppose to be. I am honored by that. The Lord is putting me exactly in the places that I need to be in, with the people I need to minister to, with Him always by my side.

I felt for so long like I was such a failure. I felt like the last thing I was doing was giving my God the glory in everything I do. Here, I am facing things and struggling with things that I've never really had a problem with. Having to realize that the Lord is telling me to do, or not to do things for HIS glory, and for the purposes that He already has planned. I haven't lived up to exactly what He wants me to do, and I've shed more than a few tears over how tight my clothes are.

But the one thing I keep learning is that my God thinks I am beautiful, smart, and He IS going to use me here. I have confidence in that. I have confidence that the Lord has a purpose for my heart here in this country, but not only for me to learn. He also calls me to action. You never learn something in school, and then don't have homework on it the same night, and sometimes for the whole week or so. Basically until the "theme" is done. Here, it's the same concept. My God is starting to open up doors to minister to these beautiful people: my classmates. my friends. my peers. my family. my other family back home. people that I just meet on the street. the homeless. I am testifying now that I want to make God proud of me, everyone else just doesn't matter any more.

It's flattering to make other people proud, but this is my God; To Him, I am His BELOVED, His Daughter, His Darling, His pride and joy. I want to make Him proud.

I have a new situation that I ask for prayer for as I go about talking to a girl here about my beliefs and why I do or don't do in the things I do or, again, don't do. The Lord has seriously flung doors right open. So glorious.

Bring yourself glory here in this city. In this country. Burn your fire through here. Leave an everlasting impression on this place. God, I don't want to go back to the States until you've finished you purpose for me here at home. Take away my fears, put German words in my mouth, let me speak with clearity. I ask for wisdom. Provide your ministry here in this place. I thank you for the church you've given me, the fellow believers, the family, the friends, and this life. I praise you for letting me live my dream. Put that radical in me. Loving on this city! Amen.

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Caleely of Achor a door of hope. There she will respnmd as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up of our Egypt." -Hosea 2:14-15

Five Hours of Sleep, Seven Hours of School, and Six More Hours of Only Doing Homework.

2009-11-02T16:18:00.002-06:00

...and people wonder why I stay so sick!

So today I woke up totally exhausted just from the weekend, and just finally starting to really get over this cold or whatever the heck it is. I get up, excited that I will once again be able to go to school. And that is when it all began.

It started out as a normal day. After getting ready for school, I went to stairs to meet the family for breakfast. We ate, and then sad our good-byes, with Doris giving us all a great goodluck wish for the beginning of our week. Rolf, Maike, and I start for the car, like every school/work day, and make it there totally fine. We get into the car, and start on our journey for the beginning of November when all of the sudden we hear from the back seat, "I forgot my folder."

Maike had a presentation today, and it was in THAT folder nonetheless. So, we decide that we have enough time, and turn around. Maike quickly runs to the house, unlocks the door, and then goes inside frantically looking for her beloved, and much needed folder.

In the mean time, Rolf and I attend to talking a little bit of small talk while we sat in the car waiting "paitently" for Maike to return to us. Out of no where comes this dart of black, which of course would be none other than the notorious, JULIA, our dog. I jump out of the car, after first safely opening the door, but I was not quick enough. Sadly, Julia was gone. It is sure a good thing that we have a Doris, who did not have to go to work today, so she got Julia, and we left once again to start our day.

Once Maike and I arrive to the school we naturally start talking about how today is just so crazy, and it has just begun. Then my backpack, which might I add was COMPLETELY zipped, just opened up on its own as we were walking to the school building.

"Maike," I said a bit astonished that one more thing could happen, "my backpack is open."
"Yeah, all the pocket are undone. I will fix it," she said in reply.

We both decided that once again today would be a weird day.

So I go to first and second period, Politic, and nothing really happens. Just kind of chilled through the day, until I got to Math and had to do lovely graphs. Here they use compasses and geotriags for pretty much everything in Math, both of which I do not what-so-ever know how to use. When the class and teacher found out I did not know how to work such contraptions, we had a good five to seven minute lecture about how the Germans knew something the Americans did not....as if I am not in the room?

And then after that, I wonderful couple of girls taught me how these two things functioned. (Now it is really not as hard as you might think to draw a perfect circle graph by hand!)

Then it was off to German class where I got my test back. It had more read ink than blue, and we will leave German class with that. Lunch was not anything so special. Just the German kids talking about different American tv shows that I should watch. I found it just a little bit funny.

Then Biology, oh, Biology.... The class was not so bad, but after, now there is where the story begins. So I was sick last week, as most of you know, so I did not receive my grade for the first quarter of the year. I stay after class as requested with another girl, and received the following for a grade.

"You are too quiet. I speak very good English, answer in English when you need to, but answer something. (Every response I said back was IN GERMAN.) And, Michelle, you are sick way too much. Why?"

"Uh... that is a question I really want answered myself. No idea."

"You just cannot miss this much school. Well what do you have?"

"Again I am really not sure. A cold or something close to it. You know, migrans, upset stomach, sore throat, runny nose, stopped up sinuses, and this past time, I threw up. I am just simply exhausted by the end of it all, and so I just sleep. There is no chance of getting out of bed, and I seriously just sleep it off."

"Well, are you pregnant?"

I finished out today, by doing homework up until I wrote this blog. It is almost midnight, and now I am going to bed. I hope you enjoyed today! Praise God for his humor! :)

Ein gutes Gottesdienst. (:

2009-10-25T06:36:00.002-05:00

Everyone has their days, right? Their days when they think, "Wait, how did I get here? ...or... Is this REALLY what I want? ...or... I just want to be in your will, Lord. I want to be okay with the calling you've placed in my life now."

If not everyone, I know about once every two weeks I go through the cycle of just brokenness and pain from being so uncontent with what the Lord has called me to. For saying, God I don't want to do this. When I think of this cycle I see a two year old who wants maybe a piece of candy, but mommy and/or daddy says no. The anger of how much they want it... they cry, and cry, and cry, and then they do something so beautiful, they reach up and look into your face with tears in their eyes. They are now crying out for you to hold them not because they didn't get their candy, but because their feelings are hurt.

Amazing. Sometimes, I feel the same way. God calls us to things in life that absolutely can shake everything in us that is human. AND PRAISE GOD THAT HE DOES! It is beautiful that God doesn't want us to live in the same place, and protects us from what we think is really good for us. Praise God that He holds us, even when He tells us, "No, you can't have that." He loves on us, and gives us the satisfaction of His love in replace of our desires. He loves us through our desires, and praise the God who loves me even when I get my feelings hurt. Praise that God.

I am proud to be a Christ following believer.
I still am sticking to my promise, and I am pushing through disappoint, loneliness, exhaustion, and being uncomfortable.

Determined to push through,
Michelle.

Just burdened.

2009-10-23T07:27:00.002-05:00

My burden is probably from what I am not doing. I am not living a life of boldness here in Germany. I am so scared of what people will think: FEAR OF MAN, and I am so concerned that I will be looked down upon, or that I'll just be shunned for my beliefs, or for my views.

But something I am seeing is that here in Germany, it is so okay to tell people what you think. How you think to, or why you think it. People want to hear your opinions for the chance that maybe your opinions will change, but then I began to think.... if they want my opinions to change, could they also be looking for their own opinions too?

Could they be searching for what is true, and honest, and the real love that know one can provide. Maybe the reason I am being called to be stripped from so many things right now is simply because that is a testimony in itself.... a testimony that you can live a joyful and content life without alcohol, with out a boyfriend, without going to "parties." Could it be that this is no punishment, but it is making me look and become more like Christ?

I have been reading in Joshua recently, after recieving a blessing of a scripture from the first chapter. I really just see God showing me the boldness of Joshua, and the way people listened to him. But not just that, they way he listened to the LORD. The way he "fell FACEDOWN" from recieving the command of the Lord. I want to live a radical life like the life that Joshua lived. The humbleness of knowing that the Lord is there.

Lord, renew me. Make me clean. Let me serve and love people like you have called me to. Teach me to be the open and vulnerable person that you've called me to. God, let me walk in the freedom that I keep telling people about. When I am just scared to do or say something you've called me to, give me peace. God, I have the fear of man here, and I repent of that. I ask that you would show up in the middle of my fears. Lord, do with me what you want. Bring me to be the person that glorifies your name always. I repent that I am not in my word like I should be. Remind me that the Word is my defense in the middle of the struggle. Give me your strength to complete your mission, and the wisdom to know how to say something, when to say, or when to just shut up and serve. I claim that better things have yet to come in this city, and ask that you would begin to burn a fire here. Let it ignite, and I pray that you would keep it burning. Praise the Lord who saved me from myself.

In Him,
Amen.

Two years ago, I had no idea I'd be here.

2009-10-20T16:21:00.002-05:00

Those of you who know me, should know me well enough to know that the title of this message isn't by any means what this blog is about. Sorry guys. I like to keep you on your feet.

So I just want to keep you all updated just with life, and having two weeks of vacation, and all. I am getting to know a new family this week because friends of the family are staying with us through Friday. I am making a new friend with a ten year old named, Kathrine. She is sweet, but is still trying to find her place in her life. I understand that because like her, I too, am the youngest child.

I met Kate's dad through web cam Sunday which was really cool. I am excited about something that I was told. "Not too many 18 year olds can articulate why they want to go to a certain school, but you did a very good job." That was just encouraging. Kate and I just got to sit down and talk about everything from frustrations to the best things we've come to find here in this place. God has blessed me once again with friendship from somewhere I didn't expect it to be. He is such a beautiful God!

I was in another Cathedral today, and I decided to light another candle. This time though, I didn't do it for everyone back home. I have decided that every time I see a candle thing in a Cathedral I am only going to light a candle if I have prayed over that city over that Cathedral over these people here in Germany. I saw a sign today that said, "Rette deine Seele" "Save your soul." Just praying that God gives me another chance on the opportunity I totally walked out on.

I am giving the Lord all of my thoughts. I want all my thoughts to be thoughts that will glorify the Lord of this globe.

I hope all of you know that when I come back I won't be who I was when I left. This is directed at no one. Just listening to a song, and it said, "don't ever change." That's impossible! And now that I am here I am letting the Lord mold me into the person He wants me to be, but sometimes I take control....and then like we have all heard I have to give it back to the Lord.

His plans are so much better. I love you all.
Bis bald.
:)

When disappoint comes, I promise to persevere.

2009-10-16T10:23:00.002-05:00

Fall break has been a culture lesson after another. It has been exhausting, but so so much fun. I am honored to say that I have gotten to experience the way of worshipping Jesus in German. Really cool.

But it seems every time I begin to look forward to something, it gets pulled from my grips. I am not going to sit here and lie straight through my teeth and tell you that I am not disappointed. I had plans for tomorrow to see a friend of mine, and stuff just kind of came up. And well sadly we can't meet, but I know that in due time we'll see each other again.

And I know that lies in my head will come, but I am making a promise to you now. I am promising that right now I am going to persevere when disappointment comes my way. When I don't know what else I should do, or what I am just exhausted I am making a promise right here that I am going to keep my head up because at the end of all of this. At the end of these experiences, and at the end of being here in this new culture and experiencing so many new things I will be a stronger person. I will be able to say that my God is big even here in Germany.

I will be able to say that thanks to everyone that has helped me through this journey. And I will be fluent in German. I am honored to say that I have been in Germany fastly approaching 3 months. I am so very excited about that. A lot of me wants to stay here in this place. I really do love it here. It's a good thing it's only October, I've got too much to do and see. The Lord has more plans for me, and honestly I don't have a clue what they are, but I know that his plans will put me exactly where I need to be.

Sometimes you have to buy things just to find out that you wasted your money. (That's the thought of the day.)

Love this country. Love these people. Love this language. Still miss home.
Rising above disappointment.
Michelle

skype.

2009-10-10T18:49:00.001-05:00

"I know that you are going to be alright. And you are going to come out of this in the end, and you'll look at me and say, 'Look I'm not being stupid any more.'"

-Robbie.

So encouraged. Time for bed. :)

Oktober...already?!

2009-10-07T10:06:00.003-05:00

Not only is it October, but it's soon to be the middle of October. How fast years really do fly. Soon I'll be sending Christmas presents out, and waiting for the day to open and share Christmas in one house with all my family here. I just can't get over how much I love this place.

I found out that school here isn't over until July 17, 2010. I hate to tell all of you this, but I am so so sad to think that I have to leave before I am even through with my full school year here. But honestly school starts in Southaven just a week or two after that. It's crazy when you think about it. I'll be going to school for like a good solid two years, and if I decide to do summer classes when I get finished with High School then I'm going to be in class bascially for the rest of my school carreer. ha.

Today, Caro and I had a great talk about God's plans, and how we really don't know what is next to come for us. Both of us said it's always a possibility to move to the others country if that's what the Lord tells us to do. Now we're just sitting here, and trying to glorify our God while we're waiting.

"Even if you fall sometimes; He'll give you the faith to rise! When the world says you can't; He'll tell you that you can." -Kutless.

I miss you all. I love both here and there.
-Michelle

Sick of just going through the motions.

2009-10-05T11:38:00.002-05:00

Everything in me screams for the Lord, but I feel like I am just walking through the motions. Walking through just trying to keep my pace with here in Germany. Trying to stay in tune with this language and culture. Trying to keep up with all of my school work, home life, clubs, talking to everyone back home, and then at the end of the day I forget or am so exhausted that I don't get in my word.... or when I am in it I just feel like I am reading words.

I want so badly to just say that I can just jump up and tell people that the Lord is the Way. Where is the person that was so ready to jump out of the comfort zone? I just didn't realize how exhausting this life really is, and how much life really starts to take a toll on you.

Where is the person that would take the world by her hands, and say that Jesus is still here? God I haven't stopped believing in You. Will you please take out the fear of man: the fear of people, and what they will say about my love for you, please God take that away from my heart. Let me just fear who you are! God, I just want to stay in the presence of who you are.

-Exhausted. With a lot of homework left to do.
Michelle

Reunification Day and Thanksgiving.

2009-10-04T13:51:00.000-05:00

Yeah, this weekend was full of simple holidays. But I just think it is really cool. I'm glad that I payed attention in school because I knew what all of the history was for the Reunification day, but I had no clue about thanksgiving.

With that came that no stores were open so we had to make homemade bread two days in a row, which I am most definiately not complaining about. Really excited about what is next to come on this journey, and ready to just sore high on wings like eagles!

Did you know that an eagle in Germany is a Porcupine? Hahaha. Cool Germany stories that I will have for the rest of my life! I love this place, and I hope to come back for a semster or so in college. I am totally honored that Germany would let me come to her, and that she would call me one of her own.

Michelle

Chemie zu Hause. :)

2009-10-03T09:07:00.006-05:00

There is yeast in wine, and that combined with the juice, sugar, and chemical thing produce CO2 which comes out of this thingy that is located on top of our wine globe.

The beginning of apple wine. Looks gross, huh?

All our supplies. :)

A page in our little book that says, "The little Wine labortory."

The recepie. :)

I have to say that my love for Chemistry is just growing here while I am on this journey. It's such a cool thing, and it is part of your everyday life. How cool is that?

So today I got up pretty late, had coffee, and an applesorle with Oma and Opa, and then I spent the rest of my afternoon in the kitchen with Rolf, Doris, and for a little while Maike. (She had music practice today.) Yeah, so I spent a lot of time sitting pealing apples. Over fifty apples have come and gone from us today. Some for an apple cake, which is absolutely yummy. Then we need 12 Liters of fresh apple juice for the wine we made today.

I've never made wine before so this was totally cool. And on top of that I did realize how much Chemistry these wine makers needed to produce their wine. After you have gone through the pealing, cutting, and juicing of the apples, you must put in Vitamin C so that it isn't that nasty brown color, and then you must also calculate how acidic the apple juice is. And honestly, it wasn't. So we had to put 40 grams of this chemical in the wine to make it acidic. We had to zero out the scale just like in Chemistry.

And before you can do that, you must calculate how much of this chemical you need for every liter of wine you have. HOW COOL! (I got to use my calculater to do this by the way.)
Totally cool and new experience. Now I have to wait until Christmas to see the finished product.

Just thought I'd tell you our new adventure of the day. Remember to always try things, you never know how much joy you'll get from learning something new. :)
In Him,
Michelle

Not a lot happening.

2009-09-30T11:30:00.003-05:00

Well I'm finishing up my next full month in this new country that feels so much like home to me. Oh, I really think I want to come back sometime in my college career. How cool will that be if I do get to come back!

Sad thing is life is just life. I don't really know what to tell you is happening. I know that everyone wants to know how I am doing, and what I am doing, but the truth is life isn't much different than at home in the States. Yeah, okay it is, but what I mean is that I have a routine here, just like back in good ole Miss'ssppi.

I get up, get ready, go to school, hang out with my friends, and joke around. I ask way to many questions, and always make way to many mistakes in German. I am not so good with my talking, but I have learned that giving up isn't an option. I want to be completely fluent, and so I am determine to master this language. (Even Germans sometimes mess up there speach.) Yeah after school I go home, eat, and then if I have a club or something I go. Every night at 7:40 I watch Guten Zeit Schletten Zeit with Doris and Maike. (That's a GERMAN soap.) And I do my homework somewhere in between all of that.

So life is stable. I am making friends, that I am hoping to have for a very long time. I love this place, and I love these people. I love this language even though it kicks my butt.

I guess the newest update is that I with my parents help am trying to help my host sister be an exchange student next year. She's adorable, and hopefully if everything works out with all of our countries and paper work, she will be living with us next year. I think everyone involved in the process is starting to get their hopes up. If God is willing, I really would love her to come. That's two years straight living together. Ha.

But we get along just fine. :)

Yeah. I struggle with the same things that I always do.... as I was recently told: I am a girl, we struggle with that. Ha. Talked to mom and dad both this week, and it was good to hear both of their voices.

Wanting to live for the Lord.
-Michelle

Two pizzas, two very hungry people, and one homeless man.

2009-09-26T14:00:00.002-05:00

Today was a day I spent with Caro. I am so excited to say I do have a winter jacket that is very warm. Janet, I want to tell you that I have been shopping wisely looking for warm clothes, and today I bought no short sleeve shirts. I feel proud just because I know you are smiling. I finally have a head, and am using it. ha.

After a morning of trying on clothes with things too way too small, and coming away with no skirts, Caro and I were so hungry we decided to get something to eat. So we wondered through the city looking for food, and then we found something that smelled so wonderful. Of course, it was the best pizza in the world... okay not really. It was good though with water to drink.

So we're walking through the city to go and find a good place in the park to sit and enjoy our food, but before we got there we passed by a homeless man. And guys, I did exactly what the Bible tells us not to. I looked over at this man, and looked quickly away. But not only did I look away quickly, I looked away disgusted at this man.

So I went along and we found a great place to sit, and we were eating and we were sitting there and eating. I guess I was just sitting there with a blank look on my face that many of you know. Caro snapped her fingers, and ask what I was thinking about. We talked for a little bit about going back home, and about how I am so different now, and how I'll be more different in 8 months. I looked up at Caro in the middle of a sentence and said, maybe you'll think I am completely crazy, but I can't eat this. And she ask, "Why not? You're hungry.." And I said I can't eat the rest of this when I know he is hungry.

I know this isn't German, and I know that all of the people will probably say things, but I just have to do this. Caro, knowing that I am always really thristy, she gave me her water.... I just said I've got to give this to him too. She said, "Okay let's go."

We did discuss the thought of what if he only wanted money for drugs or alcohol, or something, and we decided that if this was just a pose for cigarettes or pot or something that he'd tell us that he didn't want the cigarettes. So we continued on our journey to talking to this man. I ask whether I should, "siest" him which is basically in English say mister... So she said... Sie. (Mister).

So we walked over to the man, and I asked this guy if he was hungry. And he said yes. And I gave him only two pieces of the whole pizza I had. And then I went on to ask, are you thirsty? And he said yes. And I gave him Caro's half empty bottle of water, and then the thought of loving other people more set in my heart and my head. I kept saying I want to give him a whole pizza, and a whole bottle of water.

So give up, or are you ready to do what you came to do?

2009-09-25T07:31:00.002-05:00

That's the question I keep asking myself. I love this place, these people, and this city. But we all get frustrated with different things in our lives. Some with cars, others with people, and others with food. Pick your thing. In every situation there is always something new to handle.

I was on twitter because it's a site that not many people have me on. Somewhere I could totally vent, and then I came acroos this from Louie Giglio: "For us, Passion = the degree of difficulty you are willing to endure to accomplish the goal. (Think Jesus on the cross)." And it really made me think. It's time to stop being a baby, deal with life like an adult, and push through. This is my ONLY year to live as an eightteen year old in Germany. (For those of you who are worried, I haven't become stupid with my decisions.) But really. Didn't the Lord call me to this place? Didn't He promise to never leave my side? Didn't He say He would quite my spirit when all is in chaos? Didn't he promise safety and heath? I believe He did promise these things.

Not to say that He promised these things with an easy year, or to say that He promised everything to go perfect and be perfect. That isn't the case. He never promised that. He never said I would have a place to lay my head, or a that taking up my cross every day wouldn't sometimes wear me out. He never promised that my cross wouldn't get heavy. He just said to do it. "Take up your cross, and follow me."

I will continue to serve, and to love these people in every way I possibly know how. I ask God to show me ways to show these people love. I will continue on this journey. I will not give up.

It's like when I am riding my bike about two miles to the church on Thursdays or Sundays. My legs are burning, I have trouble breathing, my peadling isn't as fast as when I first started, but I can see the street light. I can see the street I have to turn right on to, and then it's flight, level ground. I pretend I am three, and still watch Thomas the Train. I really do say " I think I can I think I can I think I can" in my head until I have made it up that hill. I make my turn, and the keep going until I get to the church parking lot where my bike get speed by itself. I don't have to peadle anymore. God will take control just like gravity and the force law from Phyics takes control on my bike.

Perserving and enduring what ever comes my way in faith in JESUS CHRIST.
-Michelle.

Refresh.

2009-09-22T06:47:00.002-05:00

I am so honored to serve the Lord Jesus Christ. He gives us what we need.

I didn't realize how much of a break I really did need. How much I needed to just sleep, and dwell in the presence of the Lord. I am humbled that by allowing me to be sick, the Lord has given me the chance to just breathe His fragrance in.

He is calling me to things that are really out of my comfort zone, but is showing me the joy that He has in store for me. The Lord knows what He is doing. He always does. I'm just so encouraged just from hearing that my German is getting better, and from hearing that I am doing okay.

God, you are glorious. Isaiah 40 is beautiful. I am praying this for both of my countries. I am going to go down stairs now. I have been a bit of a loner today... I could spend all my time here in the presence of the Lord.

In Him.
Michelle.

I put on my application that I enjoy English and History.

2009-09-19T07:52:00.002-05:00

But now I think that has changed. I'm not sure what I want to major in yet still.... and maybe God's plan to place me in another country was to show me how much I didn't quite realize about myself. Maybe that sounds crazy.

I'm okay with sounding crazy. I'm okay if you think I'm completely loonely, but the fact of the matter is this: I love that I can for the most part understand a language. Adore it actually. Maybe when I come back home I will not only continue my journey in the German language, but maybe start a new voyage with Spanish. It is a world language also, and then maybe I'll move on to Chinese.....haha. Just kidding. I want to master the German language first, and then move slowly into Spanish. And all I have to do to make Spanish fluent is go to Texas for a little while. Bahahaha. (Just kidding....kind of.)

I know for sure with two months here that international relations is my calling. I thrive on this, and on the newness. And I am always amused by the culture, but who wouldn't be. I am starting to see how much I adore children too. Don't get me wrong, I knew I enjoyed kids, but I thought that was only from always trying to make money. Boy was I wrong. I get such a joy from see new life and God's beautiful creation. It makes my day.

I'll keep searching for what God wants in my life, but I know that kids and languages are two of my greatest passions. And of course being in the center of God's will is the biggest goal I have, and not only being there, but staying there also.

So, so far in this journey: it's Jesus, then kids, and then languages. My three greatest passions. And now I just need to get after things, and finish homework from last week. (I was sick. Don't think I was just slacking.) The Lord is the God of the Universe. He sustains me even when I don't think He's here. How cool is that! He shows us what we need, when we need it, and strips us clean of all the unneccesary things in our life. And He takes us to different places to show us what He wants our lives to be about.

Taking His LOVE with me everywhere I go,
Michelle.

You live in Deutschland.

2009-09-13T16:36:00.002-05:00

I have to say many times I have been discouraged, but never as discouraged as this week has left me, and when the going gets tough....I still have confidence in the Savior and lover of my soul. I have the confidence to say that I still love Him. And not only that, but that He is still moving in my life.

I haven't written this week partly out of being apathetic, and partly out of not having the time...and partly out of quite frankly being completely lazy. I'm not at all sorry for that. I'm not sorry that I am human, and that I get tired.

I wasn't in my Word this week as much as I would like, and I can say I have personally suffered the consquences. Every time I would open my Bible it would be over idols, and even in teeny it was about living only for the Lord. I knew that I had a problem because, honestly, I didn't want to be in my Word. I hated reading it because everytime that I did, it made me squirm like a little kid two years old who has to go to the bathroom really bad and can't hold it.

So a day that I had been counting down to for quite a few days was finally here, and was all that I hoped it would be. Well to a certain extent. Instead of being completely focussed on why the Lord has brought me here, I was focused on other things. And I got hit upside the head with the most famous question I have had this week which is, "Do you believe in God?" And the next one to follow, "Are you religious?"

After being asked if I believed in God yesterday, the lady looked me straight into the eye and told me, "I believe we came from monkeys." My heart was completely broken. And then I was asked if I believed in that "Adam and Eve" crap. I was really excited though because at this ladies house we were going to watch American television, and then I remembered why I stopped watching so much American television. It's absolutely filthy. I was discouraged by what I was seeing and hearing, how I was acting and coveting things I didn't need, and on top of that just how dark this country really is set into my heart and head.

Last night I think I cried myself to sleep for the better part of an hour. Even today I can say that I wanted to give up, and just throw my towel in. Not go home, but just not worry about why I was called to be here and that is to love every person I encounter. I have hated my calling, and tonight asked why this was my calling.

I woke up this morning and went to a church in Lage, where Caroline goes which is where i attend teeny also. It was a blessing. We were in Romans chapter 5 verse 18. Which shocklingly is about Jesus and Adam. Read it. It'll blow your mind. The pastor said, while looking directly at me, "When someone asks you what you believe in, you don't say Adam. He doesn't always provide you with what you need. But you say, Jesus." Of course this really touched my heart.

So then I was coming in the house when Rolf told me that I have a girl coming to visit me from the organization. The only girl that I knew was close was Kate, who is also a fellow believer in the Lord Jesus Christ. And sure enough I was cleaning my bathroom when I saw the car pull up, with my beautiful Kate sitting in the front seat. I was stunned.

So in the midst of absolute discouragement, not being able to contact people from home, and the like... God provided me with everything I needed. A morning of correction of what to say I believe in. A time of encouragement from a fellow believer in Christ that I have known longer than 3 weeks. And a time to get rid of my "idol".

Then after all of that, He still provided something great. People here who love me, and will let me cry and tell them that I just need to talk. Rolf mustered with everything he could, "I love you, Spunky." And honestly that is EXACTLY what I wanted to hear. I still wish it could have been from that knight in shining armor I call, Daddy. But you know, I know that my dad is always there for me. What I didn't know was that I have people here in Germany that love me too.

My calling is not in vain, and even though sometimes I feel as though I should give up. I shouldn't keep going, God proves me wrong. He gives me early birthday presents with lots of lessons inside. My calling is to go where ever the Lord leads me, and to love every person I come in contact with. I know that I will not ALWAYS be loved in return. I was never promised that, but what I have learned is God knows what we absolutley need. I needed love; verbal reasurrance that I could hear of love. And the Lord took care of that by giving me a Rolf and a Doris.

The Lord is good.
My name is Michelle Engelke, and Jesus Christ is my Savior. He satisfies my soul.

Lead me to your heart.

2009-09-06T05:48:00.002-05:00

There I will be satisfied. There only. "Rid me of myself, I belong to you. Lead me to the cross!"

"All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you." -Psalm 4:7

There is something wonderful in hearing that you are beautiful and have no flaw from anyone really. But it's never enough from just a person. Friends tell you all the time that you are beautfiul. That your hair looks good, that you look cute, oder so.

But when you hear that from your Creator... there is nothing more satisfying. It's love; pure love. It's a cry from my heart deep inside that I long to hear. I have gained weight. My clothes don't fit very well. My skin is a face full of nastiness. Make-up doesn't cover all the blemishes. And still in the midst of that, in the midst of me being human and having blemishes and weight gain my God still finds me "beautiful with no flaw."

There is something great waiting for this city. I believe that with all of my heart. "Greater things have yet to come from Lage, Germany." My heart is overwhelmed with how beautiful the Lord is in this place.

Praise God for who He is. For the way he really does have our world in the palm of His hands.
Living this journey
-Michelle.

A little glimpse of Heaven tonight.

2009-09-03T15:13:00.002-05:00

You see I went to youth group (Teenie) tonight with my friend from school, Caro. (She is total sweetness..) I know makes no sense. Sorry.

Anywho, back to the moral of the story. (sorry bubs) Okay. I go into this church, and all these youth kids are hanging out just like the amis would back home. Wie toll. Caro sings in the youth band, but she warned me that tonight was all auf Deutsch. I was fine with that. And then I heard the sound of a gutaare, and a voice say please stand. Such a beautiful thing. But the most beautiful part was when I heard what song we were singing. As I have just heard the song tonight in German, I of course sang auf English.

Where is the glimpse of Heaven in this?
You see when we are in Heaven we will all be together. All the different nations in their native tounge singing praises to God. It was just as Heaven you see. I in my native tounge, and they in theirs.

Where is the blessing?
The blessing was just being in Germany, a nation cold to the heartbeat of God, and still seeing that He moves here too. That there are people here just as in USA who are called to the ministry, and who radiate the Lord's presence from across the school yard. The blessing is here a forgien language ( my second language) sung in praises to my, no our God. The blessing is not having words to tell you the blessing of it all. The blessing is understanding all of the sermon in German. The blessing surrounds me, but I can't convey it to you.

,,Jedes Wort von Die Bibel ist richtig. Kein mehr. Kein weniger. " -Joachim Klotz

"God is within her, she will not fall. God will help her at break of day." -Psalm 46:5

"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." - Psalm 45:10

"Don't be afraid to stand out. That's how the lost get found... There's a really big world at your finger tips, and you know you can change it." -Britt Nicol.

Michelle, du musst nach der Stunde heir bleiben.

2009-09-02T07:05:00.002-05:00

Ah man! I didn't say anything in class.... am I in trouble because I didn't respond to the teacher, and the class discussion? Am I going to be told I need to get in gear? Am I not trying hard enough? I WANT to say things in class, but I don't exactly know what or how to convey what I am thinking. Oh my heart is racing, and my thoughts are running. Oh, Lord, please be with me.

So why exactly are you here? Are you just what? You need grades or not? And then in perfect English he decided to tell me if I need help, just say wait I didn't understand what you just said. This is my Religion teacher. I really like this guy.

He then went on to ask me if I could in a couple months or so give a presentation on the religious aspect in America. What is the norm....my religion, and all I can think of that defines America's religious views. And then he told me that I could do this assignment in English. It was so so cool.

Then he told me that I would have to speak on the slower side beacause they learn britsh english not american english, and i promise you there is a difference. So he was telling me this,and he said actually i am an english teacher. and here in gymnasium you only have one year of american english and that is the 8th grade. then the truth was revealed....! He is a english teacher for the 8th grade!!! Whoooo. :) And he then asked if i was interested if i could come into his class during my free time, and just talk to his class about america.

I am radiating with just God's hand holding my life. He put me in that class with that teacher, who use to be a pastor, and I can share my faith with a class of 28 people. So freaking cool! Can't wait for updates with this one.

Doris made pflaam kuchen! My faveeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Tschüss. :)

I tried to tell everyone this would happen before I left.

2009-09-01T15:53:00.002-05:00

I'm am sorry if I seem to be short with any of you from back home. It is not anything intentional. My responding shortly in few words was, in my thought process, better than not responding at all. So to remind you, I have 10 classes. Between three and four per day, and that isn't three or four like in America. That is double periods of everything that I have every day. And then I go home, and eat lunch. Where we then sit down with Oma and Opa for coffe or something. Then Maike and I begin or homework which because there is a thick language barrier I take a while longer doing easy assignments. On Tuesdays we then go from one place to another for music school, and choir. On Wednesdays and Mondays I tend to ride bikes and talk with Doris. It our way of bonding. And then on Thursdays I go to orchestra with Maike. Friday I do my own thing and go to Choir at the school. And then I hang out with friends, or we go somewhere as a family.

I again appologize that I have been short, but you have to bear with me. I am in a forgein country with a headache daily because I am trying so hard to understand things that I don't understand yet. You try having the equivilant of Holifield -Scotts class in German. Or for you Germans who might be reading this...everything you know...trying doing it English. I promise you think it's easy. But it's harder than it looks.

I know Rome wasn't built in a day, but you also have to realize that I am trying really hard to balance what is enough time corresponding in the broken English I have, and what is better for my head not to hurt here. Believe it or not, going back and forth from German to English or English to German right now gives me serious headaches. Sometimes I can't even convey how I feel.

But right now, I am astonished even though I said and said and said and said and said....(see how redunant that sentence is becoming?) and said and said that my correspondence back would be slim that you are acting like I should be calling and writing long messages every day. I am sorry that I can't sit down and write everyone. Or you everyday. But FYI, I don't message dad every day and have only spoken with him three times since I have been gone. I have responsibitly here just like I did in the States. I help with dishes, and watering the flowers, and doing hedges, and vaccuuming and whatever is asked that I can do to help.

Again I apologize, but I have plenty of stress here with trying to learn a new language. All of this will be worth it in the end, and me talking and thinking so much in English is hurting my head. I need sleep because I haven't slept well for a few nights. I do enjoy it here, and in the end it's like i told Rolf. All of the stress and frustrtation i have in school right now will be worth it at midyear when I can understand a complete siminar in German.

I have people here that I never would've met if i was here now. I am thankful for this new extention in my family. For the friendship(s) i am making, and for what the Lord is doing in my heart. But please understand why the blogs aren't long and why my emails are short. I am tired, and my days are long. Forgive me for this tagent also. It was needed; I really think that.

A few thousand miles away, and a few hours between.

2009-08-29T15:10:00.002-05:00

"Distance never separates two hearts that really care, for our memories span the miles and in seconds we are there. But whenever I start feeling sad, because I miss you, I remind myself how lucky I am to have someone so special to miss.

A good day. Cold, but good. My coat isnt going to work. Ins Bett jetzt!
Talked to cristan, chad and the boys. everyone looked good! miss all.
I loveee this place. so pretty. :)
Bis bald.

Lord, please be near.

2009-08-28T17:23:00.002-05:00

I am doing well. Just about to call it a night. I rode my bike back to school today for my first choir class. woo. I felt like a hoss. Made it there in 15 minutes, but then it would be my luck for it to start raining on me when I started for home.

Hahaha. Mom Doris made Terimisu for dessert. And Maike made something that was devine. :)
I am now about to go to bed. I'm really not sure of what to tell you that is happening here. I have friends. And I am in two choirs, about to start flute lessons at the music school, and orchestra next week. So needless to say i'll be a busy child.

I wrote my first essay this week. That was fun. Really. no sarcasm there. Going to a birthday shindig tomorrow. And then sunday i have no clue. I will see about that later.

Must get some sleep. Bis spaeter. :)

The unisversity is done.

2009-08-26T15:41:00.000-05:00

Hello all.

I went to my last day of university today, and we learn about bibliographies and essays. To my fellow seniors at SHS: Does this sound anything like Holi-Scott's class? hahaha. It was great. And for the record, it was an analaysis.

All in German. Night to all. :)

Don't persue me.

2009-08-25T15:59:00.003-05:00

I don't want anything, but to live it up here. To show love, be loved, and have a ,,gutes Jahr" with my girls: Cossie, Caro, and Maike. Then of course the rents: Rolf and Doris.

I love life here. Today being in the university was very hard. I had to memorize one page of a German poem then recite it, and after being at a siminar from 8-5 the last thing I personally wanted to do was memorize something. My head was hurting and turning in circles. But I managed to get a few lines memorized, and then today when my teacher asked me to recite it, I completely froze. I said the wrong words, make the wrong gestures, and everyone laughed.

I stayed cool until I didn't know the difference between push and pull in german, and there was a kid that kept telling me i was wrong after i realize the door was not opening. And then I just had to walk away. I wanted to cried, but the most beautiful thing happened.

I was walking in with Cossie to some dumb room for some guy to say something I didn't know, when Caro who practiced with me this poem, stopped and asked me how everything went. I told her, and she said it is nicht slimm which is like don't worry about it. it happens. Then when she realized that i was really bothered she grabbed me in the hall before our group hug, and the gave me the biggest hug. She said your german is getting better everyday. And then went on to tell me that i was standing by her in the picture.

I want to tell you that i am in a choir with my family and i love it. tonight we sang beautiful by christine agulara. hahahaha. so fun. and the german ladies there had me rolling on the floor laughing and me to them also. It was a good day full of learning. Like I go nach Hause and maike was zu hause. little things.

It was just an encouraging night for a frustrating day in the university. In the morning, I am going to try this university again. I must go into the bed. I will see you all soon. I wrote a note today also.

And my shoes smell awful. Enjoy your day, and remember that God can use people to impact your life even if they aren't living for Him. And he can show you love by people better in every day situations that aren't huge. Just hugging someone who wants to give up, or giving them a new start when you don't understand what they are saying. What ever it is, let God use you with whatever it is He wants to use you for.

People are there in your life maybe not for you to teach them a lesson, but for you to learn a lesson, oder? Music is a stress reliver. Not the ipod, but piano and my flute and singing. I have come to fall in love with the sounds that they make.

The Lord Jesus Christ is the savior of my soul. I praise Him for the encouragement I recieve through Americans, Germans, emails, Scripture, and from nature. I am honored to say that I happy so happy, and I love it here. Love it. Bis Bald.

-Michelle.

If you think that plucking your eyebrows hurts, then you should try plucking your big toe hairs.

2009-08-23T15:01:00.002-05:00

Now that hurts! ...Not speaking from experience or anything. Oh, alright, you know that I am a strange child, and this was from experience. Haha.

So I didn't think that it was at all possible to love someone before you met them, and it's a very real thing. When I met Tine for the first time at the Bonnhoff I threw my arms around her, just as she did to me. I was the coolest thing, and she asked me how I was and just grabbed my hand and took me under her wing. Every time that I tried to answer in English the first day I was here or any day after I heard her say, "nur Deutsch." Which translates to "only German."

I was a little bit overwhelmed with only German all the time, but I can't begin to tell you the beauty of this sentence. I had "Beautiful you" by Jonny Diaz in my head this same day, and I was singing as always do, and she said "Ein schönes Lied" or a pretty song. As the week went on she just became more and more beautiful to me.

She held me hand as we went into a school that I did not know, and made sure to reassure me that I looked good and schick. She helped me set up my German facebook, and we sat in front of a computer listening to music for a while. When we went to get my schedule made she basically told the teacher in charge that it was a total doof for me to take any language other than German. So the only language course I have is indeed German.

When people asked me if I could speak German she reassured them and me that I could ,,Gut Deutsch sprachen und verstanden." My heart has been so blessed because of this young lady who truely is a beautiful young lady. She will always been my BEAUTIFUL little sister, and I will always be impacted by her life.

So anyway, with that said, I felt that she needed to hear that song by Mr. Diaz, but we have had a lot of company which I completely understand. So I waited until right before I started writing this entry, and took my computer to her room and said come, you need to hear this Lied. So we sat down, and Maike came in just in time to hear it too. She said she could somewhat understand the song.

And we both started crying when it said, ,,There could NEVER be a MORE BEAUTIFUL YOU!" We made eye contact and all three of us started crying. Then we sat on Tines couch and just cried. The three sisters all holding eachother, hand in hand, with Jonny Diaz singing over us there could never be a more beautiful you.

I really dont think my purpose here is to impact as much as it is to be impacted. I know I am suppose to shine my light, but I have never known a love like that of a sister this close to my age, or two who are younger than me. They teach me daily in not only German, but in doing things for each other or in making me feel like part of the family.

Opa is included in the previous statement. He just looked over at me and asked me to go with him and Juli, our dog, for a walk. He took me and just talked to me, and explain what things were and it was just a beautiful as with Tine. And everytime we are all together for coffee which is almost everyday, he tells the girls to slow down.

God has blessed my heart with these people, and I pray that we do become family over the next year. Where they my like and dislikes as well as I know theirs. I don not think I have words in German yet or English anymore for the way I feel.

Psalm 139:13-14

I can tell you that I am seeing the love of God through these people by them just letting me stay with them, and going out of their way to make sure my eightteenth birthday is beautiful. They told me I could invite people over or out, and we would go as a family. They buy me the things that they know that I enjoying drinking or eating. It is beautiful.

To Tine:
God created your inmost being,
He knitted you together in your moms womb,
Praise the Lord because you were FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY made.

Psalm

Ich liebe dieses Leben.

2009-08-21T10:31:00.003-05:00

I really am having a great time here in this new place. I have an absolutely wonderful family, and they are so sweet teaching me how to speak, and being patient when i can't think of the words that i am trying to say in German.

They are very go with the flow, but always punctual. It's really neat. They are like take a shower when you want. Do this or that. And they ask me what are you doing in your free period not you have to do this. It's neat.

I figure I would feel you in on how the German school day goes. Now know that my schedule is not as hard as the other kids because my main focus is understanding the courses that I am taking, and that doesn't look hard when you see my schedule, but please remember all of my text books and lectures and even small talk in between classes are in German. And the most famous question right now is "Can she understand me?" Hahahah. I just laugh when they say that and then they say, "yes she can."

We have "A week" and "B week" here. Bare with me, this is a bit hard to explain, but I am going to try. Okay, these are my two schedules:

A Week:
Monday:
1 and 2 period: Religion
3 and 4 period: Math
5 and 6 period: Musik
7: Free period for lunch
8 and 9 period: History

Tuesday:
1. & 2. : German
3. & 4. : Musik
5. & 6. History
My day is over. (Schluss)

Wednesday:
1. & 2.: Pädagogik (I think this is similar to our psyc.)
3/4 Religion
5/6 Biology
Schluss

Thurday:
1/2 Sport
3/4 Double period free.
5/6 Chemistry
Schluss

Friday:
1/2 Free
3/4 Pädagogik
5/6/7 Free
8/9 Sport

B Week:

Montag:
1/2 Politics
3/4 Math
5/6 German
7 lunch
8/9 Biology

Dienstag:
1/2 German
3/4 Musik
5/6 History
7 Mittagessen
8/9 Math

Mittwoch:
1/2 Free
3/4 Reli
5/6 Bio
7 lunch
8/9 Chemi

Donnerstag:
1/2 Sport
3/4 Politiks
5/6 Chemie

Friday
3/4 p

:)

2009-08-18T15:57:00.000-05:00

another dday and i feel like i am getting better with my german and with my time here. tomorrow i go to school with out tine, but i think i will be okay.

i had choir tonight and i loved it.
and we rode our bikes to the market
and then we ate
and the choir
and now i must sleep.

altough my head was hurting earlier it was a good day. praise GOD!

Du bist nicht ein Austausschulerin aus Amerkia, oder?

2009-08-17T15:25:00.002-05:00

Hahaha. Christine and I went to get my studentplan and these girls were like hey tine and said nothing to me and then when i walked back out obviously she said something to them. haha. They were like you are from amerkia?

and then we talked for a while. for all you back home, i got out of school today at 10:30 am. haha. I have 10 classes which is the minimum, and i have no english class whatsoever. what else?

I know the difference between verstauchen: to sprain, verstehen: to understand. haha. my lieblingswurt is ja...and i really do feel like i am part of this family and i keep trying to better my german daily.

Tine helps with that because the first thing people ask is can we talk to her in english and she says no only german. and then when herr menkle tried to put me in spanish she said no she must learn german first.

i am able to have full conversations with them and i meant to tell you that this year i am working on be confident and i played my flute with sax music for tine and maike and they loved it. i am going to learn piano if i can since we have one here at the house and i have always wanted to.

hmmm. i need to go to bed because i did not sleep well last night., i forgot to tell you that i had to stand in front of the entire 11 klasse and introduce myself and of course they thought it was cool that i had a horrible accent.

haha.
ich liebe diese Leben.

Michelle ist da!

2009-08-15T17:45:00.001-05:00

I'm finally at home, and honestly I am having trouble remembering words in english and how to type in english so i just turned my computer keyboard to german. it makes my life easier. I met my mom and dad and sisters today and tomorrow christian will come.

It is really funny today because when Rolf und Doris und Tine came to get me, me and tine sat in the back seat and sang all these crazy songs that we learned from experiment. hahaha. i loved it and then when we learned of the talent show that we both did we discussed what it was the each of us performed and the funniest thing was that we both did the Hoe down thrown down by miley cirus. hahaha. it was so funny. we got up during dinner and showed mom and dad how it went.

And before dinner we had our first bike ride together and then we got on the internet and she helped me set up my german facebook thing. it was pretty dang cool. I loved tonight. It was most definitely cool.

Talked to mom, dad, and janet today. Alles klar? Ich hoffe, dass es ist. Ich muss schlafen. Gute nacht. :)

Liebe Michelle,

2009-08-14T08:42:00.002-05:00

This is something that is really important to you... well me. Is it still just as important? Did your dreams come true? Was this all that you hoped it would be? Did you stay true to yourself?

Liebe Grüße,
Michelle 14.08.2009

Today the small group ,,challenge" was to write ourselves a letter that we will get back at re-entry. You know what this makes me think of? Mrs. Avant's letters that I've got to wait a whole nother year for. Blehhhhh! I haven't even thought about those letters until now. Haha. I hope I forget about this one too until I get it back out of no where at Re-entry.

Class today was absolutely amazing. I did pass my test, but that is basically all that I did. But I was reminded once again to remember that I only had 2 years of German before this and everyone's grades were fairly low. Not like awful, but we all wanted better numbers at the bottom of our papers.

We listened to German party music, and I do have to say it's the best especially if you translate it and then you listen to it. Hahaha. It's so funny to listen for certain lines when you do this. And you understand the meaning of it which makes it even funnier. While we listened to music, we play twister in German. Wir haben spaß gehabt! For real it was the funniest thing, and we took lots of pictures. So you will get to see them soon.

After listening to music, and playing twister and going over tests, we watch Harry Potter 5 in German with German subtiles. I left that room with such a headache, and I tried to email someone in English and I couldn't think of the right English word or make the grammar work right. Sorry about that. It was pretty funny though because in a really quiet part of the movie I hiccuped and Maik chimmed in, ,,Michelle, who is thinking about you and kissing someone else?" I told him to can it. :)

Um... we took small group, wohnung, and class pictures today, and it was fun but a little sad. I love these people. I got one of the coolest pictures with Sensai Maik and Beautiful Kath. (I wrote this on every evaluation sheet.) Teamer: Beautiful Kath. Teacher: Sensai Maik. Bahahahahah.

Hmmmm. I need to go help my roomies clean because we have clean check. Tots got to get off so Katy can get on. Later, guys! :)

These three weeks are already gone?

2009-08-13T05:08:00.002-05:00

Where did the time go? Possibly it ran back to America, or maybe it just went down to the Rhein. (That's a river.)

I really can't believe that in just a few days I will be saying good-bye to my Teamers, Teachers, and newest Friends. It's a bit surreal, and I have to say unexpected. I didn't think I'd become close to these people, and really that is exactly what I've done.

I think just like there is sometimes the craziest bond between Christ followers, that there are bonds between people going through the same things that no one will ever be able to convey in words. It's simply something you must experience first hand. But I do have to say these are friendships that I think will be fun to keep up with in the states.

And btdubs, two of these friends love the Lord with all their heart. We were talking, and I just think God is the coolest because they were on the waiting list, and I just happened to get in on the first try. It's just cool that God knew that the three of us would meet and be here with eachother to just love and encourage each other.

I can't explain it. But it's really neat.

I took my final test, and later today I'm watching Kebab Konnection with my class which by the way is a really cool German movie that I first saw in the States. So these are really movies that Germans watch.

I hope work, band, cheerleading, choir, and school are treating you all well. I start my real high school on monday. I just finished school here at the schloss. Well, I mean we do have class tomorrow, but it's just a fun day.

Oh and I mailed my luggage to my host family. Cool, huh? Just 13€. Beat that price. ;)

Liebe euch! :)

Best song in the entire world. :D

2009-08-12T12:36:00.002-05:00

Fee!
(Fee!)

Fee Fi!
(fee fi!)

Fee fi fo!
(Fee fi fo!)

Commo la la commo la la commo la vista!
(commo la la commo la la commo la vista!)

Oh no no! No No la vista!
(Oh no no! No No la vista!)

Vista!
(Vista!)

Einie meanie twizy wennie ohah cowatchie meanie otchiecotchie comrarchie oh i oh!
(Einie meanie twizy wennie ohah cowatchie meanie otchiecotchie comrarchie oh i oh!)

Its been yotz cotz soll al comean doch so i al chhhhhhh!
(Its been yotz cotz soll al comean doch so i al chhhhhhh!)

Bick ba ba Luuuuz! Baba Luza Bingo!
(Bick ba ba Luuuuz! Baba Luza Bingo!)

I'll teach it to you if you let me, and you only get to hear the words. Never do you see them except for here. :)

Michael Jackson vest...I like it. :)

2009-08-12T05:55:00.002-05:00

,,You should wear it on your first day of German school with a really short skirt and high heels." ....And you're on crack.

So yesterday I did my research presentation, but I didn't research at all. I just did it on my best friends. It was fun to show my new friends the people that I love. They were really cool about seeing your photos on my power point, and Maik told me ,,Es is sehr schön." It made my day for sure.

Things in class are so funny. We play so many games, and laugh at everything. And of course if someone messes up a word really badly everyone yells, ,,Du bist ein Epishe Fehrschlag!!!" (You're an epic failure.) It's sticks here in German too. We have a good time in class. It never fails that if you fall asleep that Maik will try to scare you, and the whole classes will be watching him do it.

We ate this keesh like substance thing. I'm not sure what it's really called, but it was pretty good. I just got full and couldn't eat anything else. I enjoyed the banana milkshake too. It reminded me of an old friend, but that is beside the point.

Promise rings seem to be the topic of choice to talk about right now. I wish I wouldn't have forgotten mine. But anywho... I think that I'm getting off the computer. I'll chat with you all soon. Tschüs. :)

I've been on the internet wayyyyyyy too long.

2009-08-11T14:17:00.001-05:00

I would write a long novel like i usually do, but I shouldn't. I need to get off.

Today was good. Lots of laughs and fun times.
I got to teach the hoedown throw down with joy to our class yesterday.
And today we practiced with the other members of our group for the talent show.

Today we also did small group skits which was a lot of fun especially when you get to play the obnoxious clengy Ami. :) That was my part btdubs. :)

Um.. what else???
I got a headache....and did some dishes, and cleaned my room.
And of course I had four classes today, and then I got to help with a seminar on the German school system....my whole class did.
And tomorrow Christian gets an awesome surprise. :D

,,Ich liebe deise Leben." -Juli.
Tschüs. :)

Wow, you talk alot.

2009-08-10T10:44:00.001-05:00

I know alot is two words...

I really type a whole lot.
So this time.
I won't.

I just wanted to tell you I'm going down stairs.
Baahaha.
Hope school treats you all well.
Chow.

You will both be blind for ten minutes.

2009-08-10T03:43:00.002-05:00

So as you probably have noticed we do group activities here that make you think and challenge your brain as to why the heck you're doing something. Kind of like things they some times give us to do at camp for those of you who go to Trinity.

Last night in small group we were paired with another member of the group and had to lead them around where ever we wanted. The catch though was that they had to keep their eyes closed, and you weren't suppose to talk. I was an epic failure at the no talking, but I think you guys understand that I just can't be quiet in awkward situations. Ha.

It was cool though because Joy asked me what do you think this has to do with host families? I was like I have no clue! And then when we got done with the activity we talked it through. And it was pretty evident what it had to do with. You have to trust that the person leading you is watching out for you and making sure that you're not going to get hurt and the like. And then with the leading it's you're responsible for these people. It's really neat concept.

But class just started and I must do a research project. Chow. :)

"Brothers, or michelle..."

2009-08-09T09:55:00.002-05:00

Brothers, and have you completely forgotten this word of encouragment that addresses you as children? It says,

,,My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord diciplines those he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his child."
-Hebrew 12:5-8

This past week has been full of mixed emotions, and the lack of reading my Word. I let myself be distracted by something that I was warned to pray against. And sure enough when I let my guard down, and stopped waking up to read and have some kind of alone time, I was hit hard. I take blame for my actions because it has been something I have watched completely unfold before my eyes; I saw it coming.

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. -Romans 7:15

We were all hanging out this weekend and the situation exploded all over me, and then I made it worse. I'm being vague so my heart is protected, and because the details don't really matter in this situation. It's the concept that matters more than anything. Does that make sense? (That's a Phillips line.) I was then hanging out when the question was prosed to me by a fellow Christ follower. She didn't know my deep struggle, and just found out today. All she said though was, ,,What are you doing?" It hit me, and brought me back to reality.

We and another girl sat and had our Sunday bible study this morning, and my heart was and still is blessed by just being able to be vulnerable and transparent with these two GIRLS. I was able to tell them both my struggle, and they were a beautiful picture of love and grace. They told me they loved me, and as hard as it was for them to watch they knew I needed it to happen just like it did this weekend because it put me back in my place. We sat and read verses for an hour and then prayed over eachother, our families, our host families, and personal situations. It was outside where everyone could see us, and for some reason that was encouraging.

They loved me in the midst of acting a fool, and reminded me that I don't really want what I was seeking and persuing. This is a continuous journey, and I blessed and honored that God gave me both of these girls. They are an answered prayer.

To those of you who have been and are praying for me I'm humbled and greatly encouraged that you are. Pray for the hearts of my guest family and for mine too that we'll become a family and that we'll communicate in the good and bad. My personal goal this year is that God will fill the desires of my heart. I will look to Him for my self-esteem, for love, and for comfort.

I'm excited for the journey to come, and the destination when I finally get through the journey.

Thought for the day:
Love is not a fight, but something worth fighting for.
And!
Ich brauch ein Freund nicht.
(I don't NEED a boyfriend.)

Geh weg! Du stinkst!

2009-08-07T06:27:00.002-05:00

I've offically been ,,pimped." I had a crash course in pick up and rejection lines today in class. It was the best thing ever. Hahaha. :)

This week has flown by, and sadly I really haven't noticed that I haven't kept up well with my blog or emails. It just hasn't been the most important thing. And I do apologize for that.

I'm learning about communication, and I do believe that I've already told you guys that. I am also seeing my self in a new light. I'm weak. I can't do this alone. But in another word, don't think that I'm sad or upset. I'm having a blast, but I am seeing things that normally I wouldn't see as attacks or the like from the enemy for weeks. I see the importance of knowing why you dress a certain way. Or why you have certain standards.

We had a girl talk yesterday, and they basically told us if we decide to date a boy and we've been dating them long enough, and we WANT to have sex that we could. They said have safe sex for sure, but that it was perfectly okay to. My heart began to ache.

I haven't been in my word in a few days because I've been destracted just by things here, and by life. Some of you who I shared with before I left will understand this statement completely, and I want you to know that I'm torn. I know what to do. And I know if I go the other way that I'm sinning. (Thank you to Amanda for that light this summer.)

I am starting to see why I'm here, but there are times that yes I do feel lonely. And there are times that I want to bathe for more than five minutes. If you come over here you will learn you DON'T bathe in the mornings because you will freeze. Standards get annoying when no one here has them, and when you find out that things here really ARE different.

I'm sticking to my standards. I'm starting to clear my head and really see what I want, and in reality it's not what is here...that goes back to the distraction by the the way. This is some what in code, and partly because I'm disappointed in myself. I didn't do anything horrific, but still that fact that I was told it would happen and didn't think much about it kind of makes it sting now that it's reality.

I do see the light in this situation though, and praise God that I see I really don't want what is offered. I like not wearing revealing clothes, and I like not wanting to ,,give myself away", and I also like not wanting to use the language that some people have picked up on. I like that I don't understand all the jokes, and I praise my God that my heart and head are still being guarded and protected. I like that drinking still scares the crap out of me, and that I want to do it in safe places. My heart is encouraged because God is still with me, and He is still the Lord of my life even when nothing makes much sense, and all that you are fed is carbohydrates. :)

God never leaves me or forsakes me.
The Lord MY GOD is with ME. HE take great delight in ME. He comforts me WITH LOVE, and delights over me with singing.
The cry of my heart is that Germany will see that the God that the acknowledge on Christmas and Easter is still alive and wants to love them.

Thought for the day:
Women want to be chased, and sought after, and longed for. And women were created in the image of God just like man was. We were created for man as his helper.

With that said, God wants to be chased, sought after and longed for.

My name is Michelle Engelke, and I fell asleep outside at the tables last night looking at the moon and city lights. Jesus Christ is the Lord of my life, and I don't serve Him like I should.

Praise the Lord, Electrons!

2009-08-05T06:17:00.003-05:00

That's exactly what the painting read in the cathedral I went to yesterday. The cute little monk said it, and it was adorable.

I'm learning a lot about myself, and some of it's good to know. It's negative, but good. I also am enjoying life here. I'm tired because I've had two late nights in a row, and tonight I really just need to sleep.

I think I might go and walk through the vineyards later.
Oh and I'm a princess. It's about time I go through this phase. I think it's the watch.

I have so much more to say, but i can't think of the words. I'm sorry guys I'm just tired. hahaha.
We finally ate schnitzel. :)

And class was fun today. I'm off to go find trouble. :) Chow.

It was just a 2 Corinthians 4:16 kind of day.

2009-08-04T06:17:00.003-05:00

,,Though outwardly you are wasting away, inwardly you are being renewed day by day."

I didn't have a very good day yesterday, and really no one in my wohnung did. I think we all hit the part of the journey where the new wears off and reality sinks in, and the coolest part was that we all were with each other as we cried together, and we encouraged eachother. It was a beautiful thing.

My heart was encouraged this morning after being so frustrated with classes, people, and just ,,becoming German," because I got to the mirror to start getting somewhat ready for a ,,new day" when that verse popped into my head. It was God. That's the only thing I can say. It was. It is, and He lives.

I was having problems with speaking in German, and being scared of being corrected, but I'm learning that corrections make me not SOUND as stupid. Which in the end makes for a better experience. I even went as far today in morning class to describe the movie we're about to watch in German to Maik, and he said yes you're right.

I met this cute little German girl today who use to attend school here at Schloss Hansenberg, and her English was really good. But then she brought in her friend who only speaks German and hasn't met a forgiener before so we instantly had a common bond that we didn't want to be made fun of and I tried to speak German for her, and she helped me when I struggled with it, and then I helped her with her English.

God has encouraged my heart, and given me a hope and a future that I am where I am suppose to be even though last night the only thing I wanted to do was give up and go home. I might not really know these people here, but by the end of this journey I will never take back their friendship because we have a common bond and that is that our hearts and emotions are going crazy. We go from laughing to crying instantly and from homesick to curious in just moments. We don't have to explain the need for a hug or the need for a talk, we just do it.

It's something that unless you are here I don't think it'll ever make complete sense, but I'm telling you with the words and with my fingers typing them: THIS WILL BE WORTH IT. And because of the people I've met her I've changed. I promise you that.

The Lord is good, and my heart is still together. Fun thought for the day: ,,Absense makes the heart grow fonder."

I really am an easy target.

2009-08-03T05:52:00.003-05:00

Even the Germans enjoy making fun and picking on me, so don't think for two seconds I've missed out on that side of life!

We did this thing where we're learning culture, and we spent like two hours yesterday talking about observing before you judge, and it's not wrong it's just different, and the like. And then they paired us off into boys and girls, and we ,,took a journey" together.

I won't go into describing what happened because it really wigged me out, and I think it would have been worse if I wasn't with Maik, my teacher, and Kath, my teamer. I did judge before I observed, and I was frankly pissed and really upset by the end of the excerise. It goes to show that culture shock is fast and real, and they were trying to simulate just that.

I had to go back and apologize to Kath and Maik because I was so embarassed that I was really rude to them, but I learned the lesson, and saw what they were trying to do. I guess the rule of thumb is still out in the open: Expect the unexpected.

Off to go brush my teeth so I don't have to taste this vinegar from lunch. :\

Vineyards at night with city light all around.

2009-08-02T03:55:00.004-05:00

I'm going to start out with a thank you. I am able to report that with the prayers, Kath and the teamers not letting me leave my Wohnung, and only being able to eat carbs I'm healthy again, and I'm watching how much of different things I'm putting into my mouth.

My Wohnung is a mess, and I need to do laundry so so badly. The washing machines are like mini in relation to the American ones. They're super cute. :)

I want all the Trinity gang to know that I have whooped some tail in Tisch Fußball...fußball is what y'all call it. Turns out you tend to get better when that's all you have to do in your free time. Hahaha. I'm sad to hear about all your wrecks and storms. I send my concern and a wonderful hug.

A few days ago we had this challenge here at the Schloss where we were given an egg and 4 1/2 hours to trade up for the egg. So we took ourselves with our little German knowledge and hit the town. Not only did we get all this random stuff, but I have to say I made the best freaking memories that day. Madaline, Caty, Andrew, and I were in a group and in the end we ended up trading our egg for a Jacob, and yes this is a person. He's 15 1/2 and we were talking to his Oma telling her what we were doing, and she invited us in for juice and plums and cookies. It was the sweetest time we have had yet!

The cool part though was that we cherish Jacob, but we also recieved two bottles of wine and a bottle of champiane in the process of trading up from our egg. So now I have a really nice gift to give my host mom for her birthday.

I went to Charley's pub on Friday night with all the CBYX students, and we had a blast, and I enjoyed dancing and drinking my cola. Haha. Then we took a trip down the Rhine River on Saturday. I ate a bite of Döner which was amazing. Mucho yummy. :)

We went out last night too, and that was fun. I tripped on the grape vines coming back up from the vineyard. I decided not the walk 45 minutes to church this morning, but I'm about to go have a bible study with the girls in my wohnung.

1. Know that I miss you so much. You picture is in my room. :)
2. You've been on my mind. I hope you're doing alright.
3. When I told the teamers why I wore your "ring" as the called it around my neck, they cried. Serious tears in Kath and Anna's eyes, and they said you've got good friends.
4. They tell me I'm cute here and the love my facial expressions.

I miss you all. How's Red R fool?
Siest du später!
:)

I think I'm going to name him Johannis. :)

2009-07-31T06:14:00.002-05:00

I just recieved a package from my host familie. It's like a little care package full of German cookies and candy and a sweet letter with a little bear. I think I'm going to name him Johannis. He's so cute. I'm so blessed by my host familie.

Yesterday was Mom Doris's birthday and I called to wish her ein Froh Geburtstag and she said all is wonderful because Christan, their son was there, but ,,Michelle ist nicht da!" Which means Michelle isn't here though. It touched my heart after the day I had yesterday.

The day wasn't bad. I just got sick. I'm going to be very transparent here when I say that I really feel like I was sick based on a spiritual attack from the enemy, and I would really appericate if you guys would join me in praying against sickness simply because it kept me out of classes and assemblies yesterday, and I am perfectly fine today. Which is not only an answered prayer, but a praise to the Lord.

I did get the much needed alone time in spite of being sick yesterday. The teamers decided I should stay in the room and rest until morning which was basically the whole afternoon. I started reading CAPTIVATED by John and Stasi... something or other. It gave me a peace, and I just got to ,,be still and know that He IS STILL God."

Tonight we are going out with all the Germans and I'm so excited...Charley's Disko! Man yeah!! So get this, we have an apartment and there are eight girls per apartment, but two girls per room. In my apartment we have the same size feet for each room. Hahahahahaha. Like the first room is Joy and Josie who wear 7 1/2. Then me and Melina 6 1/2. Then Maddy and Robynn 8 1/2. And Shanna and Caty 9. Hahaha.

Lieb dich.

Frau Engelke!

2009-07-30T06:52:00.002-05:00

Bahaha. I'm even Engelke over here. It's pretty funny.

Um... I ate fisch today. I didn't sleep well last night, but other than that I'm good.
We're watching a film later, but class is about to start again. I'm really not sure what all to tell today.

Nothing besides the fisch has happened...well and class.
I am proud to announce that my German is getting better daily and that I had one of those deep friend talks with one of my apartmentmates. I really cherish her.

Thank you for all the prayers.
And I claim Psalm 85:11 for Germany even if Christian says it's all atheism. :)

Wohnung 7....Wir sind die STUFF! :)

2009-07-29T06:39:00.003-05:00

Hu(flim)-man. Haha. David. :)

Alright guys. I'm finally here to blog everything out for you. Ah. So what to tell? I know I know....EVERYTHING.

I'll start with telling you that I've been placed in Klasse 3 which is intermediate German language skills only surpassed by the advanced. And this is exciting and encouraging to me. My teach is MAIK, and he is the freaking coolest German along with Kath. (She's my teamer..or small group leader and the equilivant of my house mother for all your college kids.)

Ah. Wohnung sieben girls are becoming very close, and enjoying time together. We're all eating wayyyyyyy too much chocolate though. Hmmm. When I look outside the window I see a wine vineyard, and tons of rolling hills. It's rained only once here so far...which is amazing.

I'm pumped about German food, and if you decide to visit this wonderful country don't forget your German table manners. ALWAYS USE A KNIFE TO SPREAD THINGS ON BREAD. And bring a tooth brush. It will be needed.

As far as the language goes, I'm understanding what is said to me. And I'm getting my toes wet with speaking it. The people here say I'm really funny....and I bought a new watch that is pink and says Princess on it. I'm getting ragged so hard that everything I own is pink. I guess I'm really girlie now. BAH! :)

Hmmm.. Ich muss zu Assembly gehen.
Ah. Look up Coperia...the coolest freaking stuff in the world. It's Brazilian martial arts that will make you sore for days! I love it!

I'll post pictures super soon. Liebe alle. :)

Goodnight, America. Good morning, Germany!

2009-07-26T13:05:00.004-05:00

I'm here in the most beauitful place that I've seriously ever seen. I wish I had the thought and the concentration to write a really long blog about all that is going on, but the truth is I'm just ready to ditch this English and move on to German.

I've been traveling these past few days, and I'm honored that I've met every person that I have. I met the coolest girl on my way to Atlanta, Minnie. She was headed out to see her dad in New York. And Mr. Ron from my seven hour flight to Germany. We became pals. I kind of imgined it like it was my daddy sitting with me. He's an American who has been living in Germany for the past 15 or so years. Awesome.

What else? I've been singing addict like constantly. I'm dubbed the girl with the hiccups, and my roomie is Puerto Rican and beautiful. Everyone here is ready to drink and that scares me. I'm not.

More.... most of these people have been trying to get this scholarship for YEARS. I found out and made it in two weeks. Of course, God is blowing my mind. My thoughts are constantly being challenged and I'm having to be concious of everything I'm letting come out of my mouth.

I am taking pictures, but they'll be up in about a month...no wifi here at the Schloss. Class starts tomorrow, and I'm telling you...go get some German food. It's the stuff.
I'm going to either explore or organize my room.

You getting nervous?

2009-07-23T01:23:00.002-05:00

You know, I think I'm alright. I'll get nervous when I have to walk down to the gate tomorrow. Robbie looks up and smerks, and says, "Yeah if the sight of the airport doesn't do it first."

Today has been such a great day. I could've most certainly lived without all the vomiting, but I'm okay. I think it was partly nerves and reality and some of the meds I've been taking mixed all together to make me sick. Ha. But I do have good news in that I'm not feeling at all bad right now.

I've just got done putting the final touches on packing. All that's left are things that I'll need in the morning. You know like my contacts, solution, toothbrush, and straightener. Ha. I'm completely at peace. Don't get me wrong, I'm sad to be leaving, but excited to go all at once.

My last night in the country was probably the best it could ever have been, and even if it could've been better I'll keep it just how it was. No regrets in this. None at all. I got to hug and cry with all the people I love tonight at church, and I was so dearly encouraged by my student ministry and my family being able to pray and worship with me. It was so neat to step out and see them worship...my family too.

I got to surprise my brother with dinner tonight, and I promise you the content look on his face at the end of the night was worth every minute of eating Mexican. We went to El Chico which is Chad's favorite place in the world to eat, and he had no clue. My best friend Robbie came with us, and dad blessed him too with a meal that he didn't have to pay for. I think it shocked Robbie, but that's okay.

We went back and he helped me get somethings taken care of with my computer, and he fixed my beloved pink Ipod. I'm forever greatful to each and everyone of you who were and are still apart of this adventure. To the people that I've not met yet, I'm excited to see you. To my family in Germany, I can't wait to finally be in your home. To my family here, I'll miss you with everything in me. To my friends, I'll miss you and miss you and miss you. To the ones that will befriend me, I'm excited for what's to come.

I'll be seeing you, and remember you're never alone. :)

My heart is touched.

2009-07-21T22:41:00.002-05:00

I got my day started with going to get my hair cut, and Dennis absolutely blessed my heart today. He's such a sweetheart. I like his new salon, and I think he's going to be great there, and I think he's really going to flourish there. I'm super proud of him. I went to pay him, and he gave me a hug and told me to have a great trip, and when I walked out to my car my heart was overjoyed and blessed with him giving me a free hair cut.

It's similar to when my step-mom came to me and handed me her pride and joy: Pink Camera. It's a NICE camera that she bought with HER money. She worked for it, and then just asked if we could switch cameras. My heart was touched. Janet said, "Oh, you'll use it more, and I can just use the other one." God has blessed me with that, and just for the record she's done that before, but on a much larger scale. She gave me HER car for MY truck, and I got the better end of the deal. Yes, they are the same age, but it's a nicer car than it is a truck. My God has blessed me. I can't express in mere words what she means to me.

It's was cool tonight because Mom came over to eat with Janet, Josh, Tawny, and I and she wasn't quite hungry so she finished dinner and helped me with my laundry while we all ate. And then she came over with the okra in the bowl and said, "Well, I got it to brown." She sat down beside my Janet, and we all ate as A FAMILY. Then Chad and Dad walked in the house and they talked worked blah blah blah. Ha.

I've been keeping busy because of my steroid shot; I'm so sore and tired put very alert at the same time. I wouldn't wish all this medicine on my enemy ever. No lie.

A friend that I've been praying for texted me today, and it said, "I'm so scared."
I replied with: "of?"
Him: "I think I believe."
I cried just a real honest cry, but tears of joy. We're eating in the morning to have a Bible study, and to just spend time together before I go.

I want to see the other one too. I miss him so much. I'll stop by his house tomorrow if it kills me.. I'M SEEING HIM BEFORE I LEAVE.

Jeff and I had a good talk today, and I'm humbled by how much I've changed through the years. I'm thankful that I'm not the eighth grader I once was, and that God matures us through the years.

Today has been good. Night. :)

Just go to that steroanglekraklfasdfher and get one when you get to Dutchland.

2009-07-19T16:24:00.005-05:00

My dad's German is so so funny. I love it. That's what my family might say about me one day when I finally meet them. Haha. :)

Today was our family lunch, and it was basically the best thing in the entire world. Better than any other time we've had here recently. I loved it. I tend to "love" lots of things, but really these people are who I click with. They are my blood and I'm there's. Nothing changes the fact that we're related. Ha. And praise God that that'll never change.

Church was amazing today also. We really did meet in the presence of the Lord, and for that I'm so honored. He was there, and it was real. Beautiful. My words can't express how grateful and thankful for today I really am.

Mom and I did the cupid shuffle in the backyard, and Cristan and I had a serious talk. Ian and I hung out like little children do, and just played in the pool. These are the people I love, and this is my life. They are the reason I do what I do, and I want to give them someone to look up to. Someone for them to see Jesus. I hope that my babies will see Jesus, and that Nathan learns the word please. Ugh. Stubborn child.

I'm out. :)

Best last Friday in town for awhile. :)

2009-07-18T00:59:00.002-05:00

Swimming pools and longggggggg movies...with people the people I love. The people who've been there through all the years before I was ever one in a million, but are the ones who told me I was even if NO ONE else saw. True blessings in the midst of uncertainty.

I was listening to a beautiful song that a WONDERFUL friend made for me, and this kind of special person in my life. It's cd title is "GERMANY." Fitting, huh? But the song was "Vulnerable" by Secondhand Serenade. There's this line that I've been chewing on, and it says...
"Tell me. What makes you think that you're so invincible?" It's perfect for the here and now, or at least some people would say so.

Invincible: Incapable of being overcome; unconquerable.

I think that yes love is a scarey thing, but in the midst of thinking this I think that becoming less invincible is all part of becoming real with another person. I'm terrified that you're wrong, and I'm right...or that you're right, and I'm done for. Haha. Either way, I guess what I'm saying is I think I'm invincible because every other time it's been people that were never friends first. And because I'm Michelle Engelke of course. That's a great reason.

I realized that Lauren is correct again. She made the statement to me or all of us or something that we as women think there is this certain timeline that we're suppose to live, and that if our lives don't go in that timeline it's not glorifying to our God. Not true. I'm learning that, and continuously being put in my place. I'm the "ap" kid. I'm technically holding myself back. I'll leave it there.

Before I even forget, I want to praise my God for the fact that I've got people here in America that support me. I've got people in Germany that support me, and I've got the God of HEAVEN that supports me. He's never going to leave me, or forsake me. I'm honored. My God is showing and challenging me with my best friend. THAT'S CRAZYYYYYYYYYY!

I can't skype all the time!
I just want to skype with you like once, Michelle!
...like your birthday?
:)

1. Kick a rock, Ja!
2. Lieb dich, Mein Swartz. :)
3. I love you unicorns and bunnies, Taybabe!! :D
4. I love you oodles and boodles. :)

I'm scared to really say it, and it not be for real.

2009-07-16T22:22:00.003-05:00

"It's like you wake up everyday, and you realize...'wow, we're one day closer to saying good-bye.'"

I remember when I first found out I was leaving, and I told my daddy. I looked into his face for the first time in a long time, and saw him crushed. It was like I indirectly broke his heart. I'm really going to miss the ONE man who has never walked away from me. He's taught me everything I know. I love him, and he's taught me love. It hurts coming into the house or waking up in the mornings because it's like the closer we get to Thursday the more that look on his face gets harder to see. I really am going to miss him. I think you all NEED to know that I'm terrified, and that I'm scared out of my mind, and that I'M GOING TO MISS MY DADDY.

My name is Michelle Engelke, and I'm seventeen years old. I love Jesus, and I'm scared out of my mind. I've get peace. This is right.

I know that I'm spoiled, and I have more that I will ever need. I know that. I don't know what else I really have to say. I'm in love with Lauren's cd's. They are beautiful. Track number seven made me cry, but in a good way. And I love the way you title them. Haha. You're adorable.

God's provided me with friends that I'm so pumped about coming back to. Like Tay and Jess, and then of course I'll get to see my George again. It's neat. I love how God is so much bigger than we could ever imgine. You know like I've dreamed a while now that I'd be able to leave the country, and it's like God put that in me...and He's giving me the strength to get myself up and go do it.

And have you ever thought that sometimes the people in your life are there to make you who you are? Like without certain people you wouldn't be who you are? Like for instance, Billy Graham. He wouldn't be who He is today if someone didn't invest time into him, right?

By the way, to the people who've taught me and invested in me, I've not forgotten you at all. I'm honored that you've taken time to spend with me. I hope that even it doesn't seem like I remember who you are, you'll remember that I really listen to every word you say. If you don't believe me, ask HIM. He knows I listen, even if I'm pretending like I'm not.

God is such a beautiful thing. He's big all around me. I hope his bigness doesn't become small. I think it might be. It was the biggest blessing I've had in a while going to the dentist...that is. My cavity was wayyyyyyy worse than they thought, and they had to drill alot. But then they still got it all out, and they didn't have any complications at all. They could've had to do a root canal once I got to Germany, and God spared me that. God please don't let who you are to become little to me. Stay huge. Please. I can't go on without YOU by my side.

"Just as God wait patiently for us to be ready, I have been waiting on you. It had to be your time or it wouldn't have meant what does. I miss you, love you too. And I'm so proud of you." -Mom.

All I have to say to that is Ezkeiel 36:36. God doesn't leave relationships broken, and relationships aren't easy. Life is about waiting. Have you thought about that. You're waiting as a child to be a teen-ager, and then as a teen-ager to be in college. Then it's like you just want to be in love, or once you're in love you want to be married, or then you wait to have kids. It feels like that's just what we do. We wait until we get there, and the we wait again.

Timing is right, and God's timing is so much better than just timing. He's timing is perfect.

Love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for.

I'm so scared, but I've got so much peace. A good friend prayed over me to be encouraged by the people around me. Such a beautiful prayer. I've been encouraged over and over again. It's all God.

I've got so much more to say, but I've got to just sit. I might cry, but it's just because I'm a girl, and that's what we do. I'm really going to miss everyone here. Source stories when they get here, mkay? I love you all. :)

I really want either a purple or yellow dress next year.

2009-07-15T22:11:00.002-05:00

Wear a white tux? All white, and then match with me? That'd be cool. I just hope it really does work out. I want to make it work, and I want you there. You know what I'm talking about. Keep your end of the deal, mkay?

I leave in a week from tomorrow, and I'm okay...sad, but okay. I have people that I absolutely love, and I'm going to miss more than I really thought would be possible. God has provided me with people that are going to be here when I get back.

"Don't be afraid, for I have ransomed you; I have summoned you by name; You are mine. When you go through the waters, I will be with you. And when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you. When you pass through the fire you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the HOLY ONE of ISREAL, YOUR SAVIOR!"
-Isaiah 43:1&2

God is continuously showing me that trust is so important in relationships, and relationships take lots of time and dedication to make them work. I'm glad to have realized that, and I wish that my husband and I are as cute as my Dad and Step-mom. They exude how much they love eachother. Sometimes it's yucky, but at the same time it's really cool to see my dad love and be loved like God designed love to be. He deserves it. I trust his judgement in every person I date, and I hope he knows that.

I'm not sure where life is going to go from here...I suppose that next July I'll say the exact same thing, but it's like a whole nother experience. I'm glad to be leaving, but I know that I'll be glad to be coming home too. And I have to thank Anna Katherine for the thought she gave me tonight. She told me that I'll have to rest of my life to live in America, and that I'll just have to wait eleven months to live here again. I liked that thought. It really encouraged me in that as everyone else's lives go on, they'll be here when I get back.

"Look at her gentlemen of the jury, look at her well. Take this away from her, and she has no reason to go on living. We may see him as not much, but he's her reason for existence. Think on that, gentlemen, think on it." -A Lesson Before Dying.

1. I hate that it took us up until a week before I leave to really talk again, but it's encouraging because it's like God used you to show me that I'll have everyone when I get back. It was a really awesome ephiany. :)

2. You are so wonderful, and I'm so greatful for God's timing. God has known that we'd all need this summer, and I'm proud that we've done such a good job at being there for each other. I'm proud of how far you've come in who you are as a young GODLY woman. I love listening to you talk, and I like our fun times. You are beautiful. I love you.

3. I'm blessed that you challenge me in my faith even though sometimes I rag on you about it. Well basically all the time, and I'd apologize for that, but I don't mean it. I mean don't get me wrong I'm sorry that I can just look at you, and then you look up and say, "Don't say a word." You've been completely vulnerable, and shown me that even in the midst of being in pain that you have to pick yourself up, and decide when you're going to dust yourself off. I know that you're legit with all that you've told me this summer, and I refuse to take any of it back. This has been the summer I think we've all been waiting for. Don't ever forget that I love you with all that I am, and that my God...OUR God loves you more than I ever will be able to. Rest in that.

4. I really like your friendship, and I didn't really think that you'd be all that everyone told me you were, but really you're a great friend. You stand for what you believe, and you live a life that glorifies the God we serve. So cool.

I don't wanna be just friends. That's something I can't understand. I don't wanna be just friends. Not now. No, Not ever. Those two words are bullets in my chest...Just friends. Those two words are bullets in my chest And it's never gonna be the same again, My Love. It's never gonna be the same again.

I've not really thought about you in a while,

2009-07-14T23:51:00.000-05:00

but it's like tonight I really just need some closure. I feel like I know I can live without you, but without you I'll be misrable at best. Cliche' I know, but I really do miss you. I'm not sure why though. I just really want to be able to hug you, and tell you good-bye. That's never going to happen though. I know that.

Tonight was a good night. I went to the Merkosky's for dinner, and I just got to hang out with them, and sing, and talk. It was beautiful. I'm seriously going to miss them. One day, I hope that I'll be able to say that they are family friends that go way way back. I love them, and the hearts they have for the Lord.

I don't know why I miss you so much right now, but I do. I really don't want anything other than to talk to you, and you probably don't feel the same way. I understand that. I just wish that you respected the need to talk to you the way I do when you just out of no where call me. It's not like I want you back; it's just that this is the first time in five years that I know you will be no where in my life. I guess it's where our lives go on.

I thought that first loves were the kind of things that you really get over, but some of me thinks there will be days that I'll miss you even after I'm grown up, and married. That could just be the medicine kicking in saying that. I don't really know. I miss you, and I wish you all the best as you go through your senior year. Make it count, and find where God wants you. Find your girl. I know she'll be beautiful. I love you forever, after all you were the first one I loved.

I'm scared I'm going to lose you as a friend. I don't think we're going to be anything more than that ever. I hope you're ready to let go of a long lasting friendship.

And to you, I don't have a clue what to say. I'm scared. I guess I'll leave it there.

God is encouraging me as I go throughout this last week and a half here in the states. I'm completely at peace minus wanting to tell you good-bye. You're the only one person I've not told. But I knew I wouldn't get to. I'll be okay.

This year is going to be one that will absolutely life changing, and I'm excited to see what God does in it. I'm pumped, and nervous, and at peace that God knows what He's doing. That He's going to be going with me, and that in the midst of aching and pain and homesickness He'll be there.

And you caught me off guard now I'm running and screaming....!

It just hit me all at once

2009-07-13T23:17:00.000-05:00

...but I'm scared it's just another summer thing. I really don't know what to do with what this is. This next year will tell me everything I can possibly ever need to know.

I'll decide then, and until then I'm living me life to glorify the God of all creation. I refuse to give up on this, on you. You are something I've invest so much of my own life into, and I think that something I said to you once has just been proved. The more time you spend with someone the more you really do being to want more with them than what they have. I'm glad I'm leaving you this time though, that way I don't have to watch your car leave me again. It's not fun. I'm selfish I'd rather be the busy one, and let you have a few more weeks.

I hate that you're not selfish, and you'll hold back just to prove a point. I hate it, but that's why I think I'm still so mezmorized by you. Maybe it's just because you chased me. I'm scared because I'm beginning to see everything you've been saying. I guess I'm just stubbon, and I just didn't want to trust another pig-head dusche.

You never cross lines. Not really, and if you do, you make sure not to do it again. It's cool. You hold my arms down, and treat me like a five year old telling them constantly to stop itching, and I'm volunerable to you. I don't know if that's a good thing. I think someone is going to get there heart broken, and I'm selfishly thinking it's me. I'm concerned about your heart too, but no that I'm beginning to like you..... I think we're in for it.

I leave next Thursday.

One shot, one perscription, two over the counter drugs, and no scratching should help, right?

2009-07-13T19:52:00.000-05:00

My latest posion ivy outbreak has been awful, but a trip to the doctor today seems to have helped it some. I also had to go to the dentist where it seems I have one awful cavity that they can maybe fix. Pah. I should've known my world would go crazy right before I left. It's alright though. God's got my world, and He knows what best.

I have a family that I am very close to that I will be saying good-bye to soon, and they mean the world to me. They are the biggest blessing I think I could possibly have. The daddy of the family called me as they had been praying and felt that I should know what I was about to be hit with. Lies lies lies from the enemy. I'm humbled and honored that God has put my on other peoples hearts. It's truely a blessing, and this is turning into more of a trip than I ever expected.

I know God has huge purpose from this trip, and I know that it won't always be just a fun time. I will struggle, and I will have days that I just want to go home. I know that. God has blessed me with a family that I truely believe will be there for and for my husband and children. I don't take lightly what God has given to me.

Please pray for my family as I come to live with them, but also as they say good-bye to their oldest daugther, Christine. Pray for the language as learn, for determination in the midst of frustration, for peace in the midst of homesickness, for self control in the midst of being offered things I don't need or in the midst of situations that I might find myself in.

The LORD your God is with you, He is Mighty to Save. He takes great delight in you; comforts you with LOVE; rejoices over you with singing.
-Zephaniah 3:17

She's Georgia honeysuckle sweet.

2009-07-12T23:47:00.000-05:00

She smiles at strangers on the street. She's got a smile like Cali-fornia. She's got a spirit like New Orleeeeens, She's got eyes like New York city, She's cool as a Carolina breeze, but underneath..... SHE'S GOT A HEART LIKE MEMPHIS.

This weekend has been something like memories that you read from a diary. From my going away party, to Nick's place, to Redbirds, to after church hang outs it's been the best. This summer has been like no other, and hopefully next summer will top it. But who knows. I guess the cool part of it all is it's like I'm leaving with all the college kids because like two weeks after I leave they do. Looks like I'm just a step ahead.

I've learned so much this summer from learning to always stay up and not waste time sleeping to you're suppose to miss turtles on the road to how awful posion ivy is. I'm glad I did have to stay here and wait a bit before I shipped out to the Motherland. I can't believe it's right here, and steadily approaching.

I've made friendships that I know will last for a long time, and I love each and everyone of them. I'm so pumped about everything, and praise God that He's provided me with all that He has. From opportunites to forgiveness I should never stop praising who He is. He truely amazes me. I'm not gonig to miss Him though, I'm so going to just stick beside Him while I'm gone.

1. I won't forget you; You're my babe, and we've got "our song."
2. I'm pupmed about our friendship, and I know it'll last. Chin up, Beautiful, he's waiting for you.
3. Best wishes to you and the groom. :)
4. Don't forget, I'm a girlie girl now. We like wearing dresses, and getting flowers once we walk off the plane. Keep your end of the deal because I'm not giving up on you. I think this could be the best timing we've ever had, and I'm not taking anything about it back. You'll be my date forever....at least to one thing, and I'm pumped for next year. Write me letters, and I'll write you back. I love you.

Don't ever hold back anything, and never let you hold yourself back from reaching your dreams and making a difference.

austa facebook.

2009-07-11T23:58:00.000-05:00

It's time to be completely honest. I'm done with playing around...not really. I'm still Michelle Engelke. But here's the thing. I'm sick of itching. :/

I had a blast tonight, and I wish I could talk a whole lot, but I'm just tired. Ha. I'm so so tired. And I love baseball games.... not that i watch em or anything. I itch. Night.

1. I'm glad that we have traditions, and insiders, and deep convos. I'm going to have to stalk up on dresses while I'm gone that way we'll be able to have lots of dress wearing occasions when I get back. And I think you're right, you so should've played spin the bottle in bed. :)

2. Here's what I think: I know that I like you, and that I'm hoping you're telling me the truth. I don't care anymore that if I wasn't leaving you wouldn't have said a thing. I'm terrified that you're just playing me, but now I've infested too much time to not find out who's right. I'll gladly give you five dollars if you are. Remember, I want flowers. I'm becoming a girlie girl, and we like flowers. And wearing dresses practically everywhere we go. Thank you for not letting me scratch in bed.

3. You frustrate me so much with your advice. I love you. I really do, but sometimes you make me feel worse than crap. I think it's scheße... maybe. Who knows. Please remember I didn't go after him. He chased me. I just wanted a best friend. I'm not mad, but tonight I felt like a slut. Say things in private when it's just us. Don't mention it unless we're the only two in bed.

4. I really like you as a friend. Seriously in bed.

Night foos. In bed. :)

5/29/09

2009-07-11T23:57:00.000-05:00

...here comes good-bye.I can't get these words out of my head after today. I started with my fair wells. I didn't think I'd be sad leaving this town, but this is home. These are the adults who've poured out all they are into my life. They shared part of their lives with me, and taught me. Some of these teachers have watched me grow up: from the sixth grade until now. They've seen me go from tomboy to cheerleader, and watched me figure out who I am. And now, they see the confident girl I've become. And others have been there for me when I wouldn't let anyone else. And one teacher, she is the one who presented me with this opportunity. I can't lie. I left the great hall with a huge smile on my face. We were all laughing and cutting up with each other, and I was so excited to talk with them. When I got into my car, though, I was a little reluctant to drive away. These are the people who I love. The ones I didn't realize I'd miss. The ones who I have to thank for helping me see my potential, and to take myself seriously. I can overcome the circumstances that could possibly present themselves. And I can take away from this many lessons I'll never learn again.To my teachers:Thank you. I love you. I will miss you.

5/19/09

2009-07-11T23:56:00.002-05:00

"I mean really why would anyone in their right mind lay out in their driveway listening to their ipod? It's so strange! And you could seriously get run over just laying there. " -Janet"Do you think people would look at us strange if WE laid out in the driveway?" -Dad."Haven't y'all ever heard of watching airplanes?" -Me.I can't begin to express my excitement in leaving. I'll be leaving on July 23, 2009 at 8:30 A.M. and arrive in Washington D.C. at 2 P.M. I hope that CIEE has a cute little sign that reads "Lauren Engelke." I wonder what my room mate will be like, or if I'll make a cool pal. Planes are in the air, and my mind is in the planes. I can't wait to see what will be outside of my window in seat 6A. I will miss y'all, but it's time for me to leave for a while

5/11/09

2009-07-11T23:56:00.001-05:00

1. I try really hard when I around you just to continue to be the same girl I was. I don't understand how you can go from cutting up with me in the kitchen, and giving me so much advice, and showing me grace, and such to this stone cold wall. Your approval means so much, and I have no idea why.2. Things you say really do effect my thoughts. I take the little things out of context, and the big things over board. You drive me absolutely crazy, but you support me. And I love you. You have the sweetest heart.3. You are so confusing. I love you, but I don't get you. And honestly I don't believe that you wanted anything more than a "good" time. And I think it's funny that you were the one egging it on. 4. I've been thinking. And you should look for a better best friend. I've thought through all the times we're together, and really you're the bigger person. You're the one who listens. Not me. You're the one who let's me cry. I don't let you. I love you for what you've done for me, but I don't have a clue why you should love me.5. Some times I think I'm wasting my time trying to be your friend through it all. 6. You are such a genuine person. I love you for what you've brought to the table. You are such an encouragement. Things will work out.7. I love dancing with you. You've been such an amazing friend. Bless you child.8. You amaze me with your honesty. You are beautiful inside and out. I love you dearly. And I'm sorry for making you cry during circle time.9. I CAN dance, and I'm still shocked nothing more was tried. I think we could be really good friends.10. I heard that song three times today. And at first I wasn't thinking about the good-bye but now it's all that's on my mind. I'm terrified that nothing will be the same, and when I look you in the eyes and say see you later, we'll be done. I'm scared my mind has played so many tricks on me again. I'm scared I'll come back, decide to see you, and leave feeling the way I do when I see all the other ones.

vernugungen von Michelle.

2009-07-11T23:53:00.002-05:00

Die alte Freunden besuchen
Ohne Schuhe
draussen zu Fuss gehen
Spontan Kuessen
Spontan Tanzen
Muesik, dein leiblings leid singen
Der Laecheln
Der Frosch
Seuden Fisch Essen.
Lesen
Schoenes Kleid
mitUnpassende Schuhe
Lachen
Warmer Regen
Laufen, Springen
Learnen
Leiben
Blumen reichen

4/11/09

2009-07-11T23:53:00.001-05:00

Change is pretty inevitable. The only one consistant thing is change right? You look different with every decision. Whether you decide to wear a new shirt, or get your hair cut. You're changing. People change. Personalities change. Friendships change. But really the only thing that I hate that's changed when I look around, is me. I'm the friend out of all the others that really has changed. I just realized it tonight. I'm so mean. I'm bitter. And I take it out on the people I love, and the ones who I'm scared to love, and the ones who I'm scared might hurt me. I am the epitomy of the "b word", and I don't care. I hurt people's feeling, and I never watch what I say. I am quick to anger and fast to tune you out. I'm instaneously moved to yelling and screaming. And nothing in me wants to back down. "Win this fight," is all that I think.I reel people in just to hook 'em and sink 'em. I want people to hurt the way I've been hurting. I want the ones that did and caused the pain to feel it. I hate who I am. I hate this bitterness that I keep built up inside.I saw a "best friend" from the fifth grade a couple months ago, and the reason we aren't friends today came rushing back to my head. I see people, and my first thought if I don't like them is the exact instint of why I hate them.My heart wants to be near, but I'm so far from who God is. You can't love God, and hate your brothers and sisters in Christ or treat peolpe the way I do. And just for the record, I'm going to Germany. I haven't left yet. That's a whole nother story for a whole nother time. And to those of you who have been in the middle of all my anger, I send you a deep and sincere apology.

2/24/09

2009-07-11T23:50:00.000-05:00

Dear Friend,
I found a picture of you today. It put a not in my stomach and a lump in my throat.
Sincerely,Michelle.

2/22/09

2009-07-11T23:49:00.000-05:00

These are ten things I want to say to different people.:)1. I love you. I never want to hurt you, but I am scared that I will wind up doing just that.2. When you look at me, I have to look away to keep you from seeing. 3. Remember, you had your chance. 4. I have never trusted someone like I trust you.5. You are the first boy I fell in love with.6. I really wish you would learn when to say certain things. Like read the moment, and decide if it's the right time to say whatever it is that is about to come out of your mouth.7. I thought I missed you. I don't.8. The day you told me I was full of crap, I knew I wanted to be close to you.9. You are really adorable, and you don't need a boy. You introduce me to new things, and for that you are so thanked!10. I never loved you. I loved the thought of you

These are all lies. I don't think this anymore.

Feb 6. 2009

2009-07-11T23:48:00.000-05:00

For Kels and David. =)1. I never match my outfits intentionally. I pick a pair of pants, then a shirt, then shoes, and grab my luggage I call a purse and run out the door.2. I often get asked if I'm in choir, and the answer is no. I am not. But I go to the choir room daily.3. The smell of gas is amazing.4. Clothes are amazing.5. Apparently, from everyone else's stand point, my favorite color is pink. Just about everything I'm given is pink, but if you ask me I will say it is green. I really don't know the truth the that statement though.6. I had a little sister named Chelsea.7. I slept in my dad's room until he got remarried when I started the sixth grade, and I don't see a thing wrong with it.8. The boys I like are always out of my league. haha.9. I love to make people think I'm smart.10. For some people that don't know, I play the flute.11. I love hanging out with random people that I've met maybe once.12. I don't sing in the shower, but I do sing every where else.13. I think very highly of myself, but you might actually know that.14. I don't have a clue what MY laugh sounds like.15. My mom and I do look a bit a like, but you'll never hear me say that.16. Sometimes I wish I could lie, but that doesn't happen.17. Dead people scare me. Even the fact that I'm typing about them wigs me out.18. I still doodle and write notes like a middle schooler.19. I hate dogs, though we own a ton. Hate them.20. You are probably the 100th best friend I've had. I find new ones daily. I adopt them as "best friend" and then they never talk to me again.21. I love homosexuals. They are so much fun.22. I still think one of my best friends is a four year old named Caroline.23. I'm addicted to coffee, but you guys know that.24. In the fourth grade I was addicted, I mean dependent as the doctor said, to advil; to this day I will not take advil, but I'll take four IB Prophen. Which is the same thing.25. You will never meet someone who is a better Mooch, than I am. But that is not why my nickname is mooch. That is actually a derived version of Moochie doo that somebody starting calling me after I wrote Moochelle a something... Odd.

February 2, 2009

2009-07-11T23:47:00.000-05:00

Here:1. I'm apathetic to life right now.2. I'm addicted to procastination.3. I HATE tst messages.4. I cry at some point every week.5. My parents are divored.6. Love has a negative connatation in my mind.7. I don't eat like i should.8. I'm scared of being label fat.9. I love my skinny jeans.10. I will not change because someone tells me they don't like me.11. I don't believe in second chances.12. I wear little make up.13. My ipod and my car are my two best friends.14. The people I love that aren't my family I can count on my hand.15. I have head aches regularly.16. I run away from my problems.17. I don't smile often.18. I hold grudges.19. I usually don't match.20. I hide why I'm upset.21. I don't trust.22. I'm not very nice anymore.23. I'm an aunt to at least 16 kids.24. I really do think on of my best friends is only four years old.25. God doesn't make any sense to me

October 20, 2008.

2009-07-11T23:46:00.000-05:00

I don't know what it is, well, alright I do. It seems that everything I do is wrong. Some of my friendships are failing and everyone of them that have failed are blaming me for it. It hurts, you know? But that's really not why my heart is heavy. It's a bit more complicated than that, really. It's so dumb. I'm so sick of drama. I despise it. I get all worked up over nothing, and it's so stupid. And me and my dramatic self makes it worse for everyone invloved because I can't just let things go, or on the complete opposite extreme, I get my feelings all hurt and torn into pieces.I know that everything will be alright. And that all these weird things that are going on in my life, they show that I should be rejoicing. But my selfish heart just wants it better than this. Instead of seeing the good in this situation, all I see is the junk. It's like spiritually I'm blind or something. Or just making wrong choices... I know what to do, I just have to do it.I feel like I am worshiping things that were never created to be worshiped. School has become overwhelming, and insanely difficult. Grr. It really frustrates me. I never see my family, but when I do I'm so tired that they annoy me so much... I should be so happy to see the, but I just stick to my greedy ways, and get all bent out of shape.I'm starting to realize the I'm nothing specail, and I kind of thought I was, for a very long time. I really have no desire to hurt people, but it seems all my choices do. They hurt people who aren't even involved. Gr.I know this is going on and on and it just seems like rambling, but it's rambling with a purpose. One that serves simply for me to figure out where I'm at. Besides the obvious, my room. It's to let me get everything out so I can really see where I'm at. I don't need comments on this. Really, I'd rather you not. I'm not depressed, so please don't think that or say it to me. I'm tired, and I'm definitely running under the E. (And for those of you that don't get that, I'm saying that my tank of gas ran out a long time ago. ANd I can't seem to find the gas station to fill myself back up.)God would be a great place to start with the refilling, but I feel like I'm just roaming around and I know exactly what I need to do, but I'm not doing it which is abosolutely ludicrious! People are calling me out all the time for the little things I do. ANd I say they do it all the time, that's not true, I really don't talk to many people anymore. Not really. I've become the loner of all loners. I'm a social person when it's needed, but I'd rather just not be with anyone. Not talking. Not doing anything.What a slacker I've truely become! Speaking of slacker, I've got a ton more homework to do and it's eleven. Dumbness! blehhhhh!I need to praise God though. I've got alright grades, a nice life, a beautiful savior, and the blessing of education. For real I've got more than I need. Praise the Lord.I'm going to go. Have a blast kids. =)

August 24, 2008

2009-07-11T23:44:00.002-05:00

I should probably lay off of the coffe and caffinee. Bleh. That's not what this note is about.God is up to something. And I find it truely amazing that even when life feels chaotic, and the heat of the world is on your back, that God in His Mightiness, is right there. He's standing there, like in that video of "Everything" skit, he's not going to let the world bring me down. He loves me, and He is holdiing me. That truely amazes me.